New Beginnings...

Life is full of adventure and once you open yourself up to it, it just sometimes takes you away.
I've learned when you shut the door to even the smallest things it has a domino affect and we don't realize just how much it impacts what's in store for us.  When we become closed to one thing, we don't remember it's tied to everything else that makes us who and what we are.  We shut down on love because it did us wrong, but in doing that we harden our heart, we forget how to smile, the world turns gloomy and everything starts to turn dark and spiral downhill.  One simple door closes all the other ones and takes all positive possibilities with it.  Opening and accepting what's happening, changing it around and looking at it differently starts making other doors open, makes opportunities possible, shows you how to smile through the tears and brings you forward and let's wonderful things come to you. So you can see not everything falls apart if you just keep your door open, even a tiny bit.
I found these beautiful new beginnings, when I left the door open this time around instead of shutting it closed and shutting myself down with it.  A beautiful thing happened when I learned that if I just let it go, keep moving forward, smiling and laughing, my domino affect will only bring new things because it starts with me and how I deal with them. 
Being happy and leaving things behind doesn't make you want to close the door, it makes you want to keep opening windows.

Watching Over Me

I do believe that there are angels in our lives that watch over us. 
At times it seems things continually fall apart, I think it's a test to see how strong they know I am and to see how I'll overcome the obstacles.  Then there are times that they rise up and show me they haven't forgotten and are still by my side watching over me, making me push myself and never give up.  It's their reward to me.
My Aunt strongly believes that white cars are angels, they ride the roads and take care of us.  After months of searching for a car, with no hope insight, it was either the wrong price or mechanical issues, I was about to call it quits.  When at the end of a frustrating day a call was returned to me to come take a look at a car, it was perfect and it was 'White'.  I believe my grandparents made sure they would be riding with me everyday.  For years of interviewing, wild hunts and madness, it was always for an Accounting position and they never panned out.  But with an angel boss watching over me, believing in me and pushing me through, the exact job that I was skilled to do, because of her, came through and is now mine.  I know she never gave up on me, during those last moments of her life she knew I never gave up on her.
I now have found a balance, an appreciation for the little things, the fragrance of flowers, a letter or note and a certain feeling in my soul that I've found love.  My grandparents always taught me that the little things are the things that count the most, always remember to take time to smell the roses.
So do I believe that these people that I loved so very much are still with me?
Yes, I Do.  And I believe and am so thankful to have them as the angels that watch over me and make me strong and make me remember just how much they still love me.  Thank You.

Dedicated To: Grandma & Grandpa Casanova, Helene and Grandma Betty & Grandpa Tom.  I Love You all so very much.

Suddenly

When you're not really looking or ready, things happen...Suddenly.
When you think it's time to give up, go backwards, look away or just give in...Something happens...Suddenly.  And you don't know why, how or when, but it happens.
At times when I just feel like giving up and dropping down to my knees, there's a sudden thought of hope.  A feeling of something, I can't explain, it just happens.  And suddenly I feel like things will work out or be ok.  It may be a call, a song on the radio, a chat with someone or something you read.  It's that little something that gives hope and a sudden rush of calmness, even if for a brief fleeting moment, it crosses through you, it brings on the next step of moving forward and not giving up. 
I think I've gotten to the point where my moment has come, it's calmed me (or maybe it's believing in the meds.) one way or the other it's happen, it's come into play.  And I'm finally content. There's still so much that needs to happen, be addressed, to be figured out, but it's one step at a time, maybe they're little steps but it's a start.  One foot in front of another and just keep moving.  And I'm happy.
Stepping into the right direction one moment at a time and suddenly I feel like I'm on the right path ahead, not falling behind but going forward and making things better.
Suddenly, I feel...
Like Me.

The Untitled Me...

There's so many thoughts, cares, decisions and passing moments that go through me daily, hourly, every minute.  They can take a moment or they can corrupt, but they are at times not different then my own worries or concerns.  I take a look at the past, some I tend to block out, I don't want to remember, others I file away they will come to make me happy or haunt me later.  I don't know why it's so hard to let go, it's just me.  Maybe for some of it I'm not ready to move on, let go of or forget.  
It's like my book doesn't have a title, just chapters out of order and some with blank pages.  At times it seems my chapter isn't really closed, it's like it's left with a question mark at the end of the last page.  I don't like those chapters, the unfinished, the unknowing, the ones that are left for something more to happen to.  I'm happier and more content with a chapter ending with a finalization, and exclamation point, a period, end of discussion.  Those are the chapters that will forever be closed, the ones I can file away and be happy with the outcome.  But isn't that what our life holds, sometimes the uncertainty, of what will come back, what is lost forever and what we still need and hold on to?
For me I've come to the point where my book (my life) doesn't have a title, it's lost and out of order chapters are what moves me to want better for myself, my head, my heart and my soul.  My book may be a mess, much like the author, but it's truth, it's real and it's raw. Maybe you'll read and try to understand, maybe you'll  page through and not care, but for me it's who I am, what I'm made of and how I've come to be.  Like anyone else, no one can  truly understand my mind, but with love and acceptance and just a little compassion you can appreciate what I've gone through and be there to be a steady hand, maybe that's all I need after all.  True sometimes I'm a mess, beside myself, on the edge and ready to give in, but all it takes are a few words spoken from a heart that really cares...
I'm here, lean on me, let me help you and I Love You no matter what.
Isn't that all we ever want to hear in that darkest hour, is that there's real love to pull us through just about anything.  So I'm here and I just want a solid place to be, a safe place, a place where all that matters is getting to tomorrow -- together.  

The Mirror of You

I can't imagine how hard it is to see him when you look at yourself.  I can't even begin to imagine living with that for the rest of your life.  A blessing or a curse.
The loss you feel is unbearable, a hole in your heart and soul, a great piece missing from you.  No one will ever understand the absence you feel when the other side is not there to finish a thought, sentence or question.  There's a void, one that will no longer be replaced or given back.  The piece of him that we miss can never measure up to the piece you are missing, and I'm truly sorry for that.  Life is so short and in this case shorter then most, 17 years and for what? It's a missing answer and in our minds why he was taken so young seems so petty.
Looking at you is the mirrored imagine of him, I want to smile because I still have so much of a part of him here, through you, and I want to cry because I will never have his actual presence in front of me again.  I'm torn between laughter and tears, but I will not show you, you have to much to remember and that memory will forever be with you in that mirror.
I want to give you peace, but it's so hard when I haven't found peace for myself.  I miss him too.  All I can say to you is this: Live, "LIVE" for both of you, Live the life he won't be able to, do the things you both talked about, make his dreams and future come true, through You.  YOU can do it, I believe in you.
I don't believe when we die we just leave, I believe that when we die, our pain goes away, we are finely free and we keep living through the ones that loved us.  That's me, but because of encounters I've had along the way with the passings of loved one, I feel when we need them most, somehow in someway they are there, little signs even an apperance, they are there.
Look in the mirror and smile - he will smile back at you and you'll know you're twin is never far away. I love you both very dearly.

Hope...

So there's good days and bad.
On my good days, my mind is quiet, I'm relaxed, I can be alone and I'm actually "O-K".  On my bad days, the screaming from the one that lives in my head doesn't stop, my imagination can run crazy wild - writing chapters in a book that doesn't even exist and I'm a great big mess (not in a cute country or hot mess way).
But I've come to realize there's...Hope.
That one simple thing, so small, sometimes not relied on, but it's there, hope.  I can feel so down, get so depressed I can sleep days away, yes days not just a day as in 24 hours, but days.  I can actually cut myself down to nothing, me, alone, I can do more damage to myself then anyone on the outside of my own skin.  At the bottom of that dark ride, there's a tiny light, sometimes so dim we don't even notice it, I know I don't, and it's just shinning, waiting for you to come up for air.  Hope.
And I'm slowly learning as my mind and days progress that I'm "In Hopes" that tomorrow will be better, I will find all my strength and I will pull from it and make it easier, for me.  It's not that big a deal, right?!?! To some, No it's not, but for me, it may be the challenge of a lifetime at that specific moment, so I turn to hope.  I make myself see the light, go to it and breath, one deep breath at a time and my mind relaxes and I find that little bit of hope, to know it's not that bad, it will be ok and I need it to start here, inside me.
Today, if I get pulled down I'll find what I need, the tools in my heart, not my mind to pull me back to the love I know it'll turn out the way it's meant to be. 
After all that's all we really can do, when we've given our all, we just put it out there and...Hope for the best.

Nothing Lasts Forever...

Everything must go...
Blown away in the wind...
Wither and wilt...
Everything dies...
Sad and as lonely as that may sound, it's very, very true.
I tend to stay in a world of my own thinking that it always looks like blooming roses, smiles on the faces of the people I love and I push down the loss so I don't feel the full effect.
Don't we all tend to hide behind a mask at some time?  To feel something that really isn't that real?  To make believe there's hope?  I do.
Then at times that reality check comes in and kicks me in the face, lays me out on the concrete and sits on my chest til I can no longer breath and makes me see what's gone.  It's those times that become hard to face, to much to get a grip on, but it's those times that are real and I'm pushed to the limit of having to see them.
Just like anything on this place we call earth, nothing lasts forever, not even us.  There's a saying "All good things must come to an end", all bad things too, everyone, everything, everywhere, it all ends.  Leaves that pit in our stomachs of when will our time come?  Soon or not soon enough.  Time is what we make of it, the good, the bad and everything in between. I will forever love you (at least while I'm still here) it's so easy to say but not always easy to do.  There's more hate and judgement in one's heart, more insecurities and imperfections then the love we should show to ourselves.  It starts here, with me.  So worried about everything that surrounds my world rather then the world that lives inside me, and reality comes and faces me with the truth and reminder that "Nothing LASTS Forever!" 
It's like a rose, it starts out small, the petals closed tight to the world it grows in, then it starts to bloom where it opens up wide for all to see it's beauty, the aroma, the softness, still protected by it's thorns should any uninvited approach.  
Then, like everything, it's petals start to fall, it starts to die, the wind catches them and blows them into the air, to me it resembles, nothing lasts forever, but you will still be around me.  Everything gets blown into the wind.  Symbols seem to have more effect then words, there's a meaning, there's love and there's a bond, a memory that was created and captured and only to you does it represent something true.
Petals and leaves blown in the wind...but to this very day you will forever be in my heart.  A flower bush planted in the yard, since the day you bought that house, a set of long horns, acorns and squirrels, the smell of fresh bread and a leaf or petal of blue. 
True meaning of reality lost but only known to the one that holds them deepest in their own heart...
Me. 
Truly missed, deeply loved and most all never forgotten.

Hell in a Handbag

Sometimes I go to hell in a handbag.  No thinking, no looking over the shoulder, no wondering and definitely no guilt.  There's a deep dark power that just invades and sends me there, without warning, to a forbidden place and believe me it's no paradise. But I'm seldom ever guilty for going there, as hard to swallow as it may be, it's the only peaceful place I know. 
I try to encounter and face my fears, yet they engulf me and make me think they are so much more appealing then they really are.  I look for an out and that hole opens up right away calling at me to just jump in, the end of life. Yes ticket for one!  It's an easy, breezy type of way, you just soar on out, leave everything behind, don't look back, just ...go.
When I decide to ride on those wings, dark horses, lightening bolts, whatever we may call them, I sleep a deep dark sleep.  It's the kind of breath taking sleep that is seducing, alluring and the never want to end kind of sleep. Peaceful.  Then I wake up and realize I'm no longer at peace but hell in a handbag, the realization of heartache, pain, sadness and loss.  When you've mended yourself together so many times, after awhile the tape doesn't stick, the glue is dried out and the stitching is so torn, you have to say "what else is there?"  I find my handbag out of supplies at times, and in those times it's when I want peace, I want to fall into that hole, close my eyes and just find the end.
The loss is what gets me there most often, even through new arrivals, fun moments, happy smiles, that loss can erase everything.  It's the knowing and facing the fact that it's the one thing we never get back.  So when death rides through to capture and take the ones I hold so close, it leaves an invitation for me as well and it's not the easiest invite to turn down. 
I have to consistently remember I have my handbag and though it takes me places most people would never dream of being, it's my only escape with still living.  It's my hell, my demons, my broken-ness, my every loss, abandonment, heartbreak and memory.  It's what keeps me still here even though at times I feel I'm only inching, I haven't fallen that deep to not be able to climb back out.  Most people fear the dark, un-assuring black hole, but for me it's my peace, even though it suffocates me, it's the one place I can go to feel close to my losses.  Letting go is not my specialty, I'm usually the denial and accept later type.  Is that why my handbag is so special? Tattered, torn, riped almost to shreds but still has a couple strings here and there to hold it together, much like myself.  A couple, it's more then none. 
I can't understand these dark demons, places and thoughts, I don't try to, I've accepted them as part of me.  I feel one day I'll just scream and they'll all come out, to fill the sky with nothing but huge creations of dark clouds and I'll be breathless.  Is that the last breath I'll take before unleashing what breaks me the most?
Some days the loss is greater, it can feel more like it just happened, crushing my soul.  Other days it seems like it's a kite on a string, I can still have control of having them here, but watching them soar high above in pure majestic beauty.  I need thread.
My dark horses are beautiful, but I'm not ready to ride.
The wings are comforting, but I can't seem to stay on.
The lightening bolt ignites me, but I can't control the fire.
My Hell in a Handbag...I just need some thread.

Everything Starts at the Beginning

It seems stumbling is what I do best.
Everytime I think I have it under control, something erupts and I'm back at the beginning again. It's Hard.
So as I got help and had a hand to hold, I realized stepping back, rethinking and using a phrase to help keep grounded,  is like having a pause button rather then a rewind.
I learned to look inside and smile, to say it and not have to take it back. To let you speak and learn how to listen, trust and be aware of who I am and how I get.  I went inside my head to calm and quiet the voice that so often haunts me and causes chaos and havoc to explode another chapter that hasn't yet been created.  I'm tryin...and that's all that can be asked of right now.
But the beginning, it is a nice place to start.
Sometimes life gives you a "do-Over" at least that's what I believe, an opportunity to make things right: with another, with an event or with ourselves.  When you find the right time, ask for the right thing and have the right tools, all of a sudden life gives you an important moment to let you look from the outside in and let you decide "Do you want this chance? Can you make this right? Do you want to try it again, this time with your all?"  I say Yes! If you believe in something real, truly real, beyond your dreams - say Yes! Take it and give it your all and this time realize with love and acceptance, things may not change but they can be better, because YOU want them to be.  Life gives you ups and downs, the rest is just what you make of it. 
Everything starts at the beginning, and with a beginning there's always an end.  I'd rather use the pause button and keep going before I run out of time, because nothing is guaranteed forever it's just 'for now', relish it.  I've been stopping to think lately at all the events that have taken place in my life in just a matter of weeks, not even counting the last couple of years.  Life is fast and life is for some very short, I don't want to have "should'a, could'a, would'a", I don't want to cry with the "I wish I had done things different, I wish you were still here, I was still here".  So I look at the clock before me and all of a sudden that 'little voice' (the ruler of my domain) is for once...
Silent. 
She finally has nothing, because fear quiets our hearts, minds and thoughts.  Fear, of leaving, of being left, of losing , or being lost never to be found,  fear erases happiness and leaves us with a hole so deep we can fall forever and drown in our own sorrow and tears,  fear the one feeling that can have control over our whole being and it suffocates and never lets go.  Fear, the reason the quiet happens and a time that you can choose to go on. 
I know we can't have yesterday, two weeks, eighteen or even twenty six years back, we can only have right now and hopefully tomorrow. 
Everything starts at the beginning and for once this beginning seems promising, there may be a few pause buttons to be used, but over all maybe this, this right here is my 'do-Over', and if it is I'll take it and say "YES!"

How Do We Get There?!

It seems it's not always easy to start...
Over.
It seems a little more difficult to pretend things didn't happen, were said or feelings were hurt.
The obstacle of it all is dealing with it and getting through it, over it and done with it so the moving on can really be...Moving On.
We are stuck in a time warp or quietness, uneasiness and not really sure where things are going.  We like to say they're 'good', they're 'fine' and every thing's ok, but it's really not when it feels like there's still egg shells.  Why do I have to hesitate before saying how I feel or telling you anything?  The only way this works is if you are willing to open up and "Actually" feel something, want something, love something to make it work.
It's gotten past the he said/she said, who's right, who's wrong, it's gotten past the I'm sorry's and let's start again, and again and again.
In order to start 'New' you have to open up deep inside and want to feel that again, if not there's no hope, there's no tomorrow's, there's no passion, there's only goodbye's.  No one can make you feel or make you think, that's only you.  In order to embrace love, understanding and compassion, you have to be able to feel that for yourself, you no one else only you.  If there's no fire, there's no flame, no spark and the wonder of excitement is gone, there's just darkness.  It's up to you to find that light and share it, only you, and I hope you can find it before the flame burns out, turns cold and is forever gone.

Onward and Upward

So as I unlock my treasure chest of past, forgotten and fear, I realize letting go slowly makes me stronger and helps me bring closure to those things I've kept buried.
It's like layers upon layers that have just been pushed deep down in my soul to be put away, hoping to be forgotten, hoping to not surface so they'll just go away and not wanting to face fears, abandonment and loss.  It's hard to open this up and go through each memory, each and every hurt or despair and most of all to face the fact that this, this can just NOT live here anymore and take up this space that is making me so sick.  Sick not only mentally and emotionally, but ill physically. Not anymore, layer upon layer must be dealt with, faced, put onto the surface and let go of, Forever.
It hasn't been easy there's been more tears then I can tell you about, but once I started lifting up the layers, I felt lighter and more free.  I shared a layer and getting it out made me see things more clearly and I was able to let go.
It's the start of not using the past to haunt me and taint what I have, it's the beginning of things that can change and have a good balance and peace of mind.  I know that the deeper I go, the more hurt I will endure but I also know that I'm not alone, I can open it with family or friends and let them help me through it.  I found so many things that needed to be let go of and it all started with me just facing my own fears and opening up and seeing how I can really be, bad or good.  I opened up myself and found letting go of the past is only moving me forward and I'm thankful. 
I'm thankful to have someone that even on the darkest days hasn't given up, has pushed me to no end but has been consistent to make me look at what we have today. Today.
Not yesterday, not 17 years ago and not tomorrow, but right now.  So smile and laugh for today, lift a layer every now and then, see it, let it go and move on with a smile, a little laugh and know tomorrow may not get here, so say I Love You today and appreciate the happiness in your voice and the one you hear on the other end.

Fear is in the Mind

So on today's journey I read...
'The mind holds on through beliefs, expectations and interpretations.  It takes a lifetime to build these conditional responses, but dismantling them occurs moment by moment'.  That is such a true statement, it takes us a lifetime to build something but so much more to recondition ourselves to let it go.  So don't hold on anymore, let it go and welcome what's next to come.  I've learned that the hardest part about 'starting over' is admitting what is wrong, becoming so raw and unprotected to the world, opening up yourself TO yourself and facing the fear of not being perfect.  Today I found that not facing the truth of how things are is ultimately losing them. Forever.  But I have a chance to make it better to see what could be on the other side and to keep it.
"What ever fear says, nothing can destroy me.  When people fall they don't break they bounce."  If I can remember how to wake up with these thoughts things can get better, realizing what I still have, I can still grow with, and what has already gone has made me better.
Looking deep into my wrongs, admitting my ways and having to answer to myself made me realize I'm not ok, but that IS ok.  Talking it out and having someone understand it takes two and both those wrongs don't make a right, made it easier to keep it together, made a difference in hearing someone else realize they're not perfect as well.  You can only do what you can with what you have, and knowing what has to give, what has to change and what has to be understood can make all the difference for two to become one.
Visiting that raw, unexposed place and getting in knee deep, being aggressive even though it hurt, made me realize I'm at the beginning if I want it, I can have a new start, since admitting is the first step to recovery.
An addict?  Of my own thoughts, hallucinations and stories. 
Drug of choice?  My own crazy filled mind.
It's time to step back and look, listen and feel what is going on.  It's time to start from the beginning not holding the past hurt, lies and drama, but to look with open eyes, to listen and understand what was said and to feel that real emotion from the person you can trust.  No one said life was going to be easy, but I never heard it was going to be devastatingly terrible either, I guess in my mind I wanted some troubled, tormented video to play out and that's what I got.  So to move on means to leave this theatre and buy a new ticket, create a new moment and to live in a better story.  Life is suppose to be what we make it even through the bumps and windy roads, but it's the way we ride them through, not letting the crazy thoughts get the best of us, that count and make all the difference.
So today is new, free and ready...Here I come.

In Time...

I keep looking for answers but all I see is darkness, I keep wanting out of this shell but all I do is crawl deeper inside.  There's a magic to this lifetime and mine just makes me want the ability to disappear.  Pull death out of a hat, cut my heart in half and destroy the part that's empty, make the puff of smoke take me away.
It's all an illusion...
Or is it just what we make it?
Happiness wasn't put in a capsule, patience wasn't put into a form of a shot and unconditional love isn't something to be bought or found at an auction, it's all something you have to find within yourselves...
But somehow I've gotten lost.  Along the way of the rabbit trail Alice, a blue pill or a white one? For every pill you take you lose something more from your heart and from your mind, is there any relief, comfort, solitude or grounding? or is it just exploding the madness that already lives there, eating away at your very core, suffocating your existence, relishing on the fact that it can take you when ever it wants because somehow you've lost control of...You.
I find the deeper I slip the more I lose, the more I push away, the more I'm alone.  The more I let it win the more heavier the burden feels that I'm caring around an emptiness that will never allow me to be full.  The sadder I become, the more depressed that I am, the deeper I fall into the darkness of what is no longer me.  Can anyone hear me, does anyone understand, can anyone pull me out?
So this magic of life, of mind, of destiny where do I get a refund?
How can I exchange what I've created to what I want, what I need, what can help me find peace? 
Only in my mind, only if I believe, only if I can see at the end of this very dark tunnel, then and only then can I change the power that has pushed me down.
I wish I could punch you in the face you horrible mind of mine, I wish I could fight you one on one in a Matrix-like battle, yet you've over run my emotions and they seem to be on your side.  How to win them back?
It will take all the strength I have left to pick myself up, reinvent my thinking and win myself back. Completely!
So today I struggle, I pain, I'm down, but not for long, because she's not ready for me yet, she hasn't come to call, ring my door bell or send me a note, so today you heartless bitch that lives in my own mind, I win.
When the magic ends and the show is over and it's time to disappear, I'm ready, until then I'll fight like a Girl and hope for some Kill Bill power to stand on.

Why I haven't seen you

When I realize you may not come home again, I shut my mind, my heart and my soul to that notion.  I won't let that live inside and damage what I have left.  I keep thinking of how long it would take you to come back from a trip and I live with that thought, thinking maybe you've taken a little more time this time around.  A longer road, some car trouble, some visits along the way back.  You're on your way, Right?!?!
It's been 4 years and I'm still waiting...
And waiting...
And waiting...
Are you almost home yet?!?!
I drive home thinking of a pot of beans and catch myself before I turn onto your street to the house that's been sold.  I want to call and hear the voice of "Yellow?!" but know that if I tried that number now, that's not the voice I'm going to hear.
So I sit and cry...Waiting, Wanting and Hoping...
Are you on your way yet?!?!
I ask "Why didn't you take me this time?!?!?!" I scream "WHY?!?!" but there's silence and only a hole of misery in my heart, a lump in my throat that won't let me breath.  I sit staring through my watered eyes...'Are you almost here yet?!?!'  Is this absence what makes the darkness of my soul not want to live, is not having you here where I can rest my head what suffocates my being?
I stay in this world of mine, because I can not face the question of 'Why I haven't seen You?'  It's a question that I have to put out of my mind for the fact of the answer would be a question of 'Why can I  no longer find myself?'...