So on today's journey I read...
'The mind holds on through beliefs, expectations and interpretations. It takes a lifetime to build these conditional responses, but dismantling them occurs moment by moment'. That is such a true statement, it takes us a lifetime to build something but so much more to recondition ourselves to let it go. So don't hold on anymore, let it go and welcome what's next to come. I've learned that the hardest part about 'starting over' is admitting what is wrong, becoming so raw and unprotected to the world, opening up yourself TO yourself and facing the fear of not being perfect. Today I found that not facing the truth of how things are is ultimately losing them. Forever. But I have a chance to make it better to see what could be on the other side and to keep it.
"What ever fear says, nothing can destroy me. When people fall they don't break they bounce." If I can remember how to wake up with these thoughts things can get better, realizing what I still have, I can still grow with, and what has already gone has made me better.
Looking deep into my wrongs, admitting my ways and having to answer to myself made me realize I'm not ok, but that IS ok. Talking it out and having someone understand it takes two and both those wrongs don't make a right, made it easier to keep it together, made a difference in hearing someone else realize they're not perfect as well. You can only do what you can with what you have, and knowing what has to give, what has to change and what has to be understood can make all the difference for two to become one.
Visiting that raw, unexposed place and getting in knee deep, being aggressive even though it hurt, made me realize I'm at the beginning if I want it, I can have a new start, since admitting is the first step to recovery.
An addict? Of my own thoughts, hallucinations and stories.
Drug of choice? My own crazy filled mind.
It's time to step back and look, listen and feel what is going on. It's time to start from the beginning not holding the past hurt, lies and drama, but to look with open eyes, to listen and understand what was said and to feel that real emotion from the person you can trust. No one said life was going to be easy, but I never heard it was going to be devastatingly terrible either, I guess in my mind I wanted some troubled, tormented video to play out and that's what I got. So to move on means to leave this theatre and buy a new ticket, create a new moment and to live in a better story. Life is suppose to be what we make it even through the bumps and windy roads, but it's the way we ride them through, not letting the crazy thoughts get the best of us, that count and make all the difference.
So today is new, free and ready...Here I come.
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