It seems it's not always easy to start...
Over.
It seems a little more difficult to pretend things didn't happen, were said or feelings were hurt.
The obstacle of it all is dealing with it and getting through it, over it and done with it so the moving on can really be...Moving On.
We are stuck in a time warp or quietness, uneasiness and not really sure where things are going. We like to say they're 'good', they're 'fine' and every thing's ok, but it's really not when it feels like there's still egg shells. Why do I have to hesitate before saying how I feel or telling you anything? The only way this works is if you are willing to open up and "Actually" feel something, want something, love something to make it work.
It's gotten past the he said/she said, who's right, who's wrong, it's gotten past the I'm sorry's and let's start again, and again and again.
In order to start 'New' you have to open up deep inside and want to feel that again, if not there's no hope, there's no tomorrow's, there's no passion, there's only goodbye's. No one can make you feel or make you think, that's only you. In order to embrace love, understanding and compassion, you have to be able to feel that for yourself, you no one else only you. If there's no fire, there's no flame, no spark and the wonder of excitement is gone, there's just darkness. It's up to you to find that light and share it, only you, and I hope you can find it before the flame burns out, turns cold and is forever gone.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Onward and Upward
So as I unlock my treasure chest of past, forgotten and fear, I realize letting go slowly makes me stronger and helps me bring closure to those things I've kept buried.
It's like layers upon layers that have just been pushed deep down in my soul to be put away, hoping to be forgotten, hoping to not surface so they'll just go away and not wanting to face fears, abandonment and loss. It's hard to open this up and go through each memory, each and every hurt or despair and most of all to face the fact that this, this can just NOT live here anymore and take up this space that is making me so sick. Sick not only mentally and emotionally, but ill physically. Not anymore, layer upon layer must be dealt with, faced, put onto the surface and let go of, Forever.
It hasn't been easy there's been more tears then I can tell you about, but once I started lifting up the layers, I felt lighter and more free. I shared a layer and getting it out made me see things more clearly and I was able to let go.
It's the start of not using the past to haunt me and taint what I have, it's the beginning of things that can change and have a good balance and peace of mind. I know that the deeper I go, the more hurt I will endure but I also know that I'm not alone, I can open it with family or friends and let them help me through it. I found so many things that needed to be let go of and it all started with me just facing my own fears and opening up and seeing how I can really be, bad or good. I opened up myself and found letting go of the past is only moving me forward and I'm thankful.
I'm thankful to have someone that even on the darkest days hasn't given up, has pushed me to no end but has been consistent to make me look at what we have today. Today.
Not yesterday, not 17 years ago and not tomorrow, but right now. So smile and laugh for today, lift a layer every now and then, see it, let it go and move on with a smile, a little laugh and know tomorrow may not get here, so say I Love You today and appreciate the happiness in your voice and the one you hear on the other end.
It's like layers upon layers that have just been pushed deep down in my soul to be put away, hoping to be forgotten, hoping to not surface so they'll just go away and not wanting to face fears, abandonment and loss. It's hard to open this up and go through each memory, each and every hurt or despair and most of all to face the fact that this, this can just NOT live here anymore and take up this space that is making me so sick. Sick not only mentally and emotionally, but ill physically. Not anymore, layer upon layer must be dealt with, faced, put onto the surface and let go of, Forever.
It hasn't been easy there's been more tears then I can tell you about, but once I started lifting up the layers, I felt lighter and more free. I shared a layer and getting it out made me see things more clearly and I was able to let go.
It's the start of not using the past to haunt me and taint what I have, it's the beginning of things that can change and have a good balance and peace of mind. I know that the deeper I go, the more hurt I will endure but I also know that I'm not alone, I can open it with family or friends and let them help me through it. I found so many things that needed to be let go of and it all started with me just facing my own fears and opening up and seeing how I can really be, bad or good. I opened up myself and found letting go of the past is only moving me forward and I'm thankful.
I'm thankful to have someone that even on the darkest days hasn't given up, has pushed me to no end but has been consistent to make me look at what we have today. Today.
Not yesterday, not 17 years ago and not tomorrow, but right now. So smile and laugh for today, lift a layer every now and then, see it, let it go and move on with a smile, a little laugh and know tomorrow may not get here, so say I Love You today and appreciate the happiness in your voice and the one you hear on the other end.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Fear is in the Mind
So on today's journey I read...
'The mind holds on through beliefs, expectations and interpretations. It takes a lifetime to build these conditional responses, but dismantling them occurs moment by moment'. That is such a true statement, it takes us a lifetime to build something but so much more to recondition ourselves to let it go. So don't hold on anymore, let it go and welcome what's next to come. I've learned that the hardest part about 'starting over' is admitting what is wrong, becoming so raw and unprotected to the world, opening up yourself TO yourself and facing the fear of not being perfect. Today I found that not facing the truth of how things are is ultimately losing them. Forever. But I have a chance to make it better to see what could be on the other side and to keep it.
"What ever fear says, nothing can destroy me. When people fall they don't break they bounce." If I can remember how to wake up with these thoughts things can get better, realizing what I still have, I can still grow with, and what has already gone has made me better.
Looking deep into my wrongs, admitting my ways and having to answer to myself made me realize I'm not ok, but that IS ok. Talking it out and having someone understand it takes two and both those wrongs don't make a right, made it easier to keep it together, made a difference in hearing someone else realize they're not perfect as well. You can only do what you can with what you have, and knowing what has to give, what has to change and what has to be understood can make all the difference for two to become one.
Visiting that raw, unexposed place and getting in knee deep, being aggressive even though it hurt, made me realize I'm at the beginning if I want it, I can have a new start, since admitting is the first step to recovery.
An addict? Of my own thoughts, hallucinations and stories.
Drug of choice? My own crazy filled mind.
It's time to step back and look, listen and feel what is going on. It's time to start from the beginning not holding the past hurt, lies and drama, but to look with open eyes, to listen and understand what was said and to feel that real emotion from the person you can trust. No one said life was going to be easy, but I never heard it was going to be devastatingly terrible either, I guess in my mind I wanted some troubled, tormented video to play out and that's what I got. So to move on means to leave this theatre and buy a new ticket, create a new moment and to live in a better story. Life is suppose to be what we make it even through the bumps and windy roads, but it's the way we ride them through, not letting the crazy thoughts get the best of us, that count and make all the difference.
So today is new, free and ready...Here I come.
'The mind holds on through beliefs, expectations and interpretations. It takes a lifetime to build these conditional responses, but dismantling them occurs moment by moment'. That is such a true statement, it takes us a lifetime to build something but so much more to recondition ourselves to let it go. So don't hold on anymore, let it go and welcome what's next to come. I've learned that the hardest part about 'starting over' is admitting what is wrong, becoming so raw and unprotected to the world, opening up yourself TO yourself and facing the fear of not being perfect. Today I found that not facing the truth of how things are is ultimately losing them. Forever. But I have a chance to make it better to see what could be on the other side and to keep it.
"What ever fear says, nothing can destroy me. When people fall they don't break they bounce." If I can remember how to wake up with these thoughts things can get better, realizing what I still have, I can still grow with, and what has already gone has made me better.
Looking deep into my wrongs, admitting my ways and having to answer to myself made me realize I'm not ok, but that IS ok. Talking it out and having someone understand it takes two and both those wrongs don't make a right, made it easier to keep it together, made a difference in hearing someone else realize they're not perfect as well. You can only do what you can with what you have, and knowing what has to give, what has to change and what has to be understood can make all the difference for two to become one.
Visiting that raw, unexposed place and getting in knee deep, being aggressive even though it hurt, made me realize I'm at the beginning if I want it, I can have a new start, since admitting is the first step to recovery.
An addict? Of my own thoughts, hallucinations and stories.
Drug of choice? My own crazy filled mind.
It's time to step back and look, listen and feel what is going on. It's time to start from the beginning not holding the past hurt, lies and drama, but to look with open eyes, to listen and understand what was said and to feel that real emotion from the person you can trust. No one said life was going to be easy, but I never heard it was going to be devastatingly terrible either, I guess in my mind I wanted some troubled, tormented video to play out and that's what I got. So to move on means to leave this theatre and buy a new ticket, create a new moment and to live in a better story. Life is suppose to be what we make it even through the bumps and windy roads, but it's the way we ride them through, not letting the crazy thoughts get the best of us, that count and make all the difference.
So today is new, free and ready...Here I come.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
In Time...
I keep looking for answers but all I see is darkness, I keep wanting out of this shell but all I do is crawl deeper inside. There's a magic to this lifetime and mine just makes me want the ability to disappear. Pull death out of a hat, cut my heart in half and destroy the part that's empty, make the puff of smoke take me away.
It's all an illusion...
Or is it just what we make it?
Happiness wasn't put in a capsule, patience wasn't put into a form of a shot and unconditional love isn't something to be bought or found at an auction, it's all something you have to find within yourselves...
But somehow I've gotten lost. Along the way of the rabbit trail Alice, a blue pill or a white one? For every pill you take you lose something more from your heart and from your mind, is there any relief, comfort, solitude or grounding? or is it just exploding the madness that already lives there, eating away at your very core, suffocating your existence, relishing on the fact that it can take you when ever it wants because somehow you've lost control of...You.
I find the deeper I slip the more I lose, the more I push away, the more I'm alone. The more I let it win the more heavier the burden feels that I'm caring around an emptiness that will never allow me to be full. The sadder I become, the more depressed that I am, the deeper I fall into the darkness of what is no longer me. Can anyone hear me, does anyone understand, can anyone pull me out?
So this magic of life, of mind, of destiny where do I get a refund?
How can I exchange what I've created to what I want, what I need, what can help me find peace?
Only in my mind, only if I believe, only if I can see at the end of this very dark tunnel, then and only then can I change the power that has pushed me down.
I wish I could punch you in the face you horrible mind of mine, I wish I could fight you one on one in a Matrix-like battle, yet you've over run my emotions and they seem to be on your side. How to win them back?
It will take all the strength I have left to pick myself up, reinvent my thinking and win myself back. Completely!
So today I struggle, I pain, I'm down, but not for long, because she's not ready for me yet, she hasn't come to call, ring my door bell or send me a note, so today you heartless bitch that lives in my own mind, I win.
When the magic ends and the show is over and it's time to disappear, I'm ready, until then I'll fight like a Girl and hope for some Kill Bill power to stand on.
It's all an illusion...
Or is it just what we make it?
Happiness wasn't put in a capsule, patience wasn't put into a form of a shot and unconditional love isn't something to be bought or found at an auction, it's all something you have to find within yourselves...
But somehow I've gotten lost. Along the way of the rabbit trail Alice, a blue pill or a white one? For every pill you take you lose something more from your heart and from your mind, is there any relief, comfort, solitude or grounding? or is it just exploding the madness that already lives there, eating away at your very core, suffocating your existence, relishing on the fact that it can take you when ever it wants because somehow you've lost control of...You.
I find the deeper I slip the more I lose, the more I push away, the more I'm alone. The more I let it win the more heavier the burden feels that I'm caring around an emptiness that will never allow me to be full. The sadder I become, the more depressed that I am, the deeper I fall into the darkness of what is no longer me. Can anyone hear me, does anyone understand, can anyone pull me out?
So this magic of life, of mind, of destiny where do I get a refund?
How can I exchange what I've created to what I want, what I need, what can help me find peace?
Only in my mind, only if I believe, only if I can see at the end of this very dark tunnel, then and only then can I change the power that has pushed me down.
I wish I could punch you in the face you horrible mind of mine, I wish I could fight you one on one in a Matrix-like battle, yet you've over run my emotions and they seem to be on your side. How to win them back?
It will take all the strength I have left to pick myself up, reinvent my thinking and win myself back. Completely!
So today I struggle, I pain, I'm down, but not for long, because she's not ready for me yet, she hasn't come to call, ring my door bell or send me a note, so today you heartless bitch that lives in my own mind, I win.
When the magic ends and the show is over and it's time to disappear, I'm ready, until then I'll fight like a Girl and hope for some Kill Bill power to stand on.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Why I haven't seen you
When I realize you may not come home again, I shut my mind, my heart and my soul to that notion. I won't let that live inside and damage what I have left. I keep thinking of how long it would take you to come back from a trip and I live with that thought, thinking maybe you've taken a little more time this time around. A longer road, some car trouble, some visits along the way back. You're on your way, Right?!?!
It's been 4 years and I'm still waiting...
And waiting...
And waiting...
Are you almost home yet?!?!
I drive home thinking of a pot of beans and catch myself before I turn onto your street to the house that's been sold. I want to call and hear the voice of "Yellow?!" but know that if I tried that number now, that's not the voice I'm going to hear.
So I sit and cry...Waiting, Wanting and Hoping...
Are you on your way yet?!?!
I ask "Why didn't you take me this time?!?!?!" I scream "WHY?!?!" but there's silence and only a hole of misery in my heart, a lump in my throat that won't let me breath. I sit staring through my watered eyes...'Are you almost here yet?!?!' Is this absence what makes the darkness of my soul not want to live, is not having you here where I can rest my head what suffocates my being?
I stay in this world of mine, because I can not face the question of 'Why I haven't seen You?' It's a question that I have to put out of my mind for the fact of the answer would be a question of 'Why can I no longer find myself?'...
It's been 4 years and I'm still waiting...
And waiting...
And waiting...
Are you almost home yet?!?!
I drive home thinking of a pot of beans and catch myself before I turn onto your street to the house that's been sold. I want to call and hear the voice of "Yellow?!" but know that if I tried that number now, that's not the voice I'm going to hear.
So I sit and cry...Waiting, Wanting and Hoping...
Are you on your way yet?!?!
I ask "Why didn't you take me this time?!?!?!" I scream "WHY?!?!" but there's silence and only a hole of misery in my heart, a lump in my throat that won't let me breath. I sit staring through my watered eyes...'Are you almost here yet?!?!' Is this absence what makes the darkness of my soul not want to live, is not having you here where I can rest my head what suffocates my being?
I stay in this world of mine, because I can not face the question of 'Why I haven't seen You?' It's a question that I have to put out of my mind for the fact of the answer would be a question of 'Why can I no longer find myself?'...
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