I keep looking for answers but all I see is darkness, I keep wanting out of this shell but all I do is crawl deeper inside. There's a magic to this lifetime and mine just makes me want the ability to disappear. Pull death out of a hat, cut my heart in half and destroy the part that's empty, make the puff of smoke take me away.
It's all an illusion...
Or is it just what we make it?
Happiness wasn't put in a capsule, patience wasn't put into a form of a shot and unconditional love isn't something to be bought or found at an auction, it's all something you have to find within yourselves...
But somehow I've gotten lost. Along the way of the rabbit trail Alice, a blue pill or a white one? For every pill you take you lose something more from your heart and from your mind, is there any relief, comfort, solitude or grounding? or is it just exploding the madness that already lives there, eating away at your very core, suffocating your existence, relishing on the fact that it can take you when ever it wants because somehow you've lost control of...You.
I find the deeper I slip the more I lose, the more I push away, the more I'm alone. The more I let it win the more heavier the burden feels that I'm caring around an emptiness that will never allow me to be full. The sadder I become, the more depressed that I am, the deeper I fall into the darkness of what is no longer me. Can anyone hear me, does anyone understand, can anyone pull me out?
So this magic of life, of mind, of destiny where do I get a refund?
How can I exchange what I've created to what I want, what I need, what can help me find peace?
Only in my mind, only if I believe, only if I can see at the end of this very dark tunnel, then and only then can I change the power that has pushed me down.
I wish I could punch you in the face you horrible mind of mine, I wish I could fight you one on one in a Matrix-like battle, yet you've over run my emotions and they seem to be on your side. How to win them back?
It will take all the strength I have left to pick myself up, reinvent my thinking and win myself back. Completely!
So today I struggle, I pain, I'm down, but not for long, because she's not ready for me yet, she hasn't come to call, ring my door bell or send me a note, so today you heartless bitch that lives in my own mind, I win.
When the magic ends and the show is over and it's time to disappear, I'm ready, until then I'll fight like a Girl and hope for some Kill Bill power to stand on.
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