Monday, February 18, 2019

Accepting Me

I've had too much time in my head...Too much time to think, too much time to re live, too much time in the hurt and too much time fast forwarding.  With or without me life will go on.  I think about the days that I could just drive over for a pot of beans, to talk about anything and everything and never be judged, only to be accepted and soothed.  I thought about love, loss and never being enough.  I re lived divorce, death and most of all emptiness.  I can fast forward only to find...3 dogs and being alone or in a corner with a window, a coloring book and lopsided pigtails...
Is this what I've become?  I've had a lot of time in my head.
I've had a vision of what life would be but it's not reality, I continue to look forward instead of now. 
I will continue to smile, to hold my head up high and still laugh through my sadness.  I will wear the mask that I have made my own for so long that I can no longer tell the difference between it and my own face.  I look into the mirror and smile, it is a lie, I tell myself I'm ok and again I lie.  I continue to lie just so I can go on walking, so I can get up in the morning and pretend that everything is okay.  I lie...
I cried today, as I have for so many days in a row...I can't seem to stop.
I look inside myself and I know that I lost myself 11 years ago when I experienced the most tremendous loss of all.  Although I tried to carry on with a heavy heart and an emptiness that I can not explain I did.  I did because I had something to carry me through, something I could ride on, depend on...then I lost that...and the biggest part of me died with both of you.  I have since been lost, looking for that hole to be filled, accepting the day to be with you, wishing that day everyday, to the universe, to God, to whoever is listening to please, please take me to you.  I sit, waiting...
Nothing has come.
They say God doesn't give give you anything you can't handle...better thing will come, they will make you stronger for tomorrow.  I wait.
Today I looked in the mirror, I did not recognize the person looking back at me, she was a stranger.  Where I have gone, where did I go? Will I ever return?
Who am I , what do I want, what makes me happy, where do I want to be????
------ I dont' know...
Accepting me is the first step, but how do I get there?
Being happy within myself is the start, but how do I find that path?
How do I find the path when I am in a dark sea of nothingness?
I've had too much time with myself and she is scary...
When I say TODAY I will be okay - she says Stop lying.  I need to silence the doubt within and believe that I AM ENOUGH! I am okay and at the end if my pigtails are a little crooked, I have the people around me that will make sure they are fixed, give me a fresh coloring book and sit with me to look out the window.
I need to accept me and start there.
Looking in the mirror...I see...


I hear I'm great, I'm wonderful, I'm more then enough, anyone would be lucky to have me...yet here I am alone.
Maybe yes, I can be a handful at times.
Maybe yes, I get emotional and unload a ton of feelings all in the same breath.
Maybe yes...
I know for sure I want to be the only one for someone, I want to be a priority, not a choice, not a backup, not a second guess.

I want love, trust, honesty, loyalty and someone I can turn to with no judgment.  Time will heal the wrong that has come across my heart.  But how much time has to pass just to find...that someone.
I know it's said I can have anyone, Really?! Tell m where???
Cause time is the only one that's knocking on my door and it is empty handed.

The Dark Inside

I get so lost in my thoughts that I lose sight of what's in front of me.  I lose the good times, I miss out on the memory that was to be made.  I go deep inside and try to hide into the darkest part of me.  Am I broken...
How can I climb out and just enjoy today, not worry about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...just today.  To smile...To enjoy...To be happy...
The loss of what was important, what made me strong is haunting me inside everyday.  I look for it to complete me, yet it left so long ago I feel that it took me with it.  I want it back yet it is nowhere in reach.  Not in sight, just gone.
I long to not be empty, to find what can fill the hole.  I look up to the sky, I call into the ocean waves, please hear me and guide me.  How do I find me...I am so lost.
Give me a sign, give me some peace, give me a way to be feel and be free again.
Not to need...
Help me to find a happiness within me, without anyone.  Help me to complete myself so that I'm not a broken puzzle, just one that's missing a few pieces.

I AM Enough!
Help me to believe that.
I AM Love!
Help me to feel for myself.
Help me to shut the darkness inside that calls to me so loudly.

Friday, November 23, 2018

Only You

When I stand alone facing my life, I realize I want so much for you to be a part of it. 
I know the circumstances, the life, the time and yet I would still want to be with you, only you...
The texts, the calls, and the time we are able to spend together mean more then the world. I appreciate you and all you give to me.
My world is definitely better with you in it, my life seems more complete once you walked in, my heart is content and my mind is quiet. For once...only you...
If life would permit, could we...could We be a "WE"?
I no longer see myself with anyone else, I see only me with only you.
A lifetime from now...tears cried, a heart broken and a torn soul, only you know how to repair the way of me. Only you...
I don't want to go my lifetime without you, I only want to go with you, only you.
Every place, every song, every drink, every walk, movement and feeling of your body next to me, on me, moving with me, in sync with each other. You know how to move me, how to be with me, what I want, how to give and the exploring of each other is always amazing every single time.  Only you...
I can't imagine my life in an emptiness of you, I will always be by your side, I will always give you my all and I will always want my lifetimes with you, only you.
#rideordie #harleynme #friendsfolife 

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Always By My Side

No matter the time or distance you are always there. I thank you for that and I am eternally grateful, blessed and beyond words for your loyalty, dedication and friendship.  You try beyond words to give more then you have to make sure I am happy, content, safe and loved.  No words...
Through thick and thin, bad and good you have been there.  Sometimes to pat me on the back, sometimes to pick me up, sometimes to hold me up, sometimes to cheer me on, no matter the situation you are always in my corner.
YOU are a milestone in my life, I hope you know that.
You are the completion of who I am (broken and flawed) and put me together, you have a hand in making sure I come out on top.  Some would not realize what it takes to be that person that is the upside to someone else.  When you have had the life I have, sometimes there's some points that take you down, a relationship, a memory, a bad experience, trust...the list goes on.  But then you have someone that is the ying to your yang and things just fall into place, they are the calming waters to your insanity, they have an understanding and they know you, really KNOW you.  They come in and sooth the storm that erupts, you don't even realize it until you can breath again.
You...the whisperer...
So thankful for everything you give.  It's so much more then you have and I realize what it takes and you still make it happen.
I honestly don't know what I would do without you, I'd be lost, devastated and incomplete...
I will not complete this lifetime with out you...
#rideordie #harleynme #friendsfolife

Monday, October 22, 2018

Imperfections, Insecurities, Implications

Do you ever find yourself at a crossroads? 
Yesterday was great, you were strong, independent, a beast to be reckoned with, perfect in your flawed ways, no shits to give, you were your all. 
Then today came...
And it broke you.  In all your glory, your high, it came like a torturous storm in the night and you became weak.  How did this happen, how did you let it happen?
You gave your power to someone else...You handed over a heavy heart looking for protection, but the protection you were looking for wasn't strong enough to handle your imperfections and insecurities.  You should know better!
Handing over a heavy heart, damaged, broken and torn can only be handed to someone that is strong enough and knows how to heal, is patient, kind, un judging, and has unconditional love to stand by your side no matter the consequences.
I know that now.  I've learned the hard way.  I've now seen the implications of handing over something that is treasured so dearly to me.  Not again.
There are not many people that you can show your true self to, you have to make sure they can handle seeing you in your naked, raw and emotional state.  It's not the pretty beauty that they see first site, you have to make sure they are ready to calm the storm, to be by your side and walk through it with you with whatever it is you show, give and are.
It takes a great hand to hold you, to pick you up and to stay.
Not everyone is ready to see imperfections and insecurities, though most of us have them in us, but when you can accept someone else's, make sure they are strong enough to accept yours.
Don't be broken, don't let someone have the power to weaken you. 
Take back YOU!  There is always someone there who no matter what will be by your side, they push you to your strength, they help you regain your power and they see you for who you always are.  YOU!
Be the best version of you for You, because you can, YOU have the power.
#harleynme #friendsfolife #rideordie

Monday, October 15, 2018

Jumping the Gun

I'm a gun slinger, I admit it. I'm the first one to draw, hand on the holster ready to fire, guns a blazing - at what... Who cares.  Fast draw McGraw!
The aftermath is what kills me.  Doom is my fate.
Does your hand always have to be on the holster? Can't it just rest by your side? Can't it just have a moment to look around and assess the situation?  Why does there always have to be the shoot out, the blood shed?
Story of my life.
In the beginning it was not like this, it was patient and kind and every word was valued and taken, then the lies started and the wall was built, the holster was tightened and the guns were ready.  Meet me at noon outside the town square, I was ready and I wasn't going to miss.
The past --- was made.  Held on to for reference, and the replay button began to continue all my life.  Not wrong, it happened through bad decisions and the guns were always ready, every chamber always filled, there was no Russian Roulette here.
I made sure I was able to make every shot, I would not be wrong again.
Over time this became life, to survive love without losing myself, and being able to hold on to my soul.  But I was still broken.
When you hold the you concentrate on aim or do you just aimlessly fire?
I admit, I aimlessly fire.  I take full blame.
I hear and assume and reach into my holster, draw and fire.  Simple...for me.
I've never had anyone dodge my bullet, be shot, get back up and start to walk toward me, THIS is new.  THIS is NOT how this happens.
But then again, I'm always jumping the gun so why am I surprised when my speculation is totally off and I come to find out there were no bullets in my gun after all, they were blanks.  You came to me with a full heart.
No lies, no facetious ways, no deception, no under minding, just you, an honest and loyal you.  You asked me to believe in you, to trust you and to realize that love was such a thing, you asked me to take a chance and to believe.
What?!  What am I hearing?!
And then you showed me...
You showed me a world I am not used to living in and you told me to put the guns down, not in the holster, down, down on the ground and kick them forward.
I'm hesitant...
You've come behind me, put your arms around my waist, placed your hand over mine as my hand is on the gun, finger on the trigger and you've whispered in my ear "Baby, it's OK, I'm not going to hurt you, I Love You and I Want YOU."
I hesitate with the holster, still not ready to unbuckle, but you patiently wait and tell me you will be there to help me as long as I'm willing and ready to put the guns on the floor and kick them over, you will put them in safe keeping, for I should never need to use them with you.  You have guns of your own and you will use them to protect us, our love and what we are building - that's the only time the guns will be needed.
Not against each other, not in this circle ---
I hesitate as my finger slowly releases from the trigger, still palm on handle ready to jump the gun...
but this time...I look at you and somehow everything slows.
I need to breath, take a step back, look at my aim and realize the consequences.
I don't want to lose this, YOU! what we are trying to build.
I want this...
Hand steady...I look at you and you come around and hold me, always reminding me it's ok to let go, your hand always over mine, calming me and whispering in my ear  "Baby, it's ok, I'm here, you're Ok, I got this, I will take care of you".
My hand slowly lowers off the holster and into yours...