Accepting Me

I've had too much time in my head...Too much time to think, too much time to re live, too much time in the hurt and too much time fast forwarding.  With or without me life will go on.  I think about the days that I could just drive over for a pot of beans, to talk about anything and everything and never be judged, only to be accepted and soothed.  I thought about love, loss and never being enough.  I re lived divorce, death and most of all emptiness.  I can fast forward only to find...3 dogs and being alone or in a corner with a window, a coloring book and lopsided pigtails...
Is this what I've become?  I've had a lot of time in my head.
I've had a vision of what life would be but it's not reality, I continue to look forward instead of now. 
I will continue to smile, to hold my head up high and still laugh through my sadness.  I will wear the mask that I have made my own for so long that I can no longer tell the difference between it and my own face.  I look into the mirror and smile, it is a lie, I tell myself I'm ok and again I lie.  I continue to lie just so I can go on walking, so I can get up in the morning and pretend that everything is okay.  I lie...
I cried today, as I have for so many days in a row...I can't seem to stop.
I look inside myself and I know that I lost myself 11 years ago when I experienced the most tremendous loss of all.  Although I tried to carry on with a heavy heart and an emptiness that I can not explain I did.  I did because I had something to carry me through, something I could ride on, depend on...then I lost that...and the biggest part of me died with both of you.  I have since been lost, looking for that hole to be filled, accepting the day to be with you, wishing that day everyday, to the universe, to God, to whoever is listening to please, please take me to you.  I sit, waiting...
Nothing has come.
They say God doesn't give give you anything you can't handle...better thing will come, they will make you stronger for tomorrow.  I wait.
Today I looked in the mirror, I did not recognize the person looking back at me, she was a stranger.  Where I have gone, where did I go? Will I ever return?
Who am I , what do I want, what makes me happy, where do I want to be????
------ I dont' know...
Accepting me is the first step, but how do I get there?
Being happy within myself is the start, but how do I find that path?
How do I find the path when I am in a dark sea of nothingness?
I've had too much time with myself and she is scary...
When I say TODAY I will be okay - she says Stop lying.  I need to silence the doubt within and believe that I AM ENOUGH! I am okay and at the end if my pigtails are a little crooked, I have the people around me that will make sure they are fixed, give me a fresh coloring book and sit with me to look out the window.
I need to accept me and start there.
Looking in the mirror...I see...