Life...and all its Crazy

There's so many times in our lives that we just want, need or expect.  There's so many times that we just have to go with the punches, dodge the balls, be disappointed and live with the things that may not always go our way.
There's just so many times, ups and downs.  But...we get through it.
It's in all of us that we think we're totally Invincible - we're like Super Hero's in our own minds, worlds and hearts.
And then one day a reality meteor comes from no where and smashes you to the ground...Universe code name...
                                        CANCER!
With all that can and could happen time just stops and makes you deal with a harsh reality of "What If's?!?!?!"
The only thing left to do is Fight, fight long, fight hard and fight for keeps.  Of course the fighting comes after the devastation, the frustration, the sadness, the tears, the punches and the madness from within, but it's ok those are reality steps.  Life teaches us that we are not invincible, we are not non destructible and we are at times more fragile then we will ever appear to admit.  It's those times that when something like this happens it makes you stop, think and fall to the ground.  At least for me that's what happened, I just took a step, became jello and fell down, besides throwing a fit, crying and looking at all of this as 'the end'.
But...it wasn't, it was just the beginning, the beginning of a long twisted highway.
I learned at times to quiet the crazy that was being so loud in my head, I had to sit back at times and just let things be, since I had no control over them all I had was control over me and at certain points that was the hardest to do.  Control ones self, especially when you feel like you have 2 of you in there and they're heading in totally separate directions.  Yep that's ME...Me and Crazy we're a packaged deal, and believe me I'd rather be without her too.
I like everyone else wishes all our wonderfully planned out roads go smoothly and everything just falls into this magical perfect place.  Well, that doesn't happen, at least 8 out of the 10 times it doesn't so why does it come as such a shock?  Why are we shocked or upset when the tides change, the winds start up, the road turns and the cracks in the wall? Why?  I'm so used to throwing fits over the indecisiveness and last minute changes that why would it even bother me so much still, why care, why not just go along for the ride and see where the heck this is going to go?
Well cancer for one puts a little damper on the sunshine, yet it was raining outside in the first place and it creeps into your happy place, even if you were sad to begin with.  But you can't let it win, you can't let it take control and you have to just let your "Crazy" have at it for once. 
Let me tell you a little about "Her"...
She's the inside of me that wants out, wreak havoc and cause some kind of pain, to me, to others, to the world.  She's the one part of me that has been broken, damaged and can't let go, she's one hell of a Fire Cracker when you need one and one Crazy A** Bitch when all goes down, she WILL protect you, well Me, she does protect me but sometimes it's not always for the best.  It's that part of doubt you may have, she'll enhance it, it's the not so worthy story that can get turned into a chapter of a cheaters book in less then ten seconds.  It's a look that can be taken in a bad way and it's a love that can be broken by self destruction, all because of a little 'Crazy'. There was once a time that she would scream so loud I couldn't even hear myself think, a time where I didn't even want to deal with what could be, I just let her win and only lived with what was, was her thinking, her thoughts and her disillusions.  Once you see the love you've grown to know slowly be die and be destroyed your heart has one only one choice...To Fight.  To not let the voice that screams scare you, make you believe something it's only invented or imagined, but it's the one time that you silence her.  For what she's the most afraid of is the one thing you've struggled to protect...Love.  It's my time that I let my own mind sing, over power any other thoughts and silence the crazy that lives inside, and for those times she's still, she's peaceful or she just realizes I won't put up with her sh*t.  It's the time I Win.
Like cancer, even though it yelled inside of me and had crazy believing maybe it would be able to take hold, it didn't.  I embraced it the second time around, loved it and sang, and when everything calmed down and I realized I won the second round, Crazy celebrated too and it's the first time we became One.  
Life IS so unexpected and being Me just lets me know there's other things I could worry about, other things I could really put my energy to, having a ranting, screaming voice in my head is not one of them.  So yeah, maybe she lives there, but for once she's not as psychotic as she normally could be, she's just a little Crazy.  Besides, life and all it's crazy it seems like a perfect place for her to be.
What comes along ~ Embrace it
If it scares you ~ Sing
Remember, you can't ever fly, if you're a afraid to fall.  Let Go...there's no time like the present.  We're not guaranteed tomorrow so what are you waiting for, what am I waiting for...Jump and I'll see you when we land.

Long New Beginnings...

Wow, it does take some time to get your feet grounded.
I do know that you can jump right in, but you don't always land just right.  It's like when you learn to dive, sure you got the form, you're ready and then you go for it...belly flop! Every time! No one's perfect.
Practice makes perfect, well not perfect but you know good enough to be.
Of course jumping in I always think I'll land it, I never let that back of the mind thing get in my way or get me discouraged.  I just go!  And of course I belly flop, but when that happens it reminds me I'm human and I need to just adjust, accept and feel my ground until I know I can glide and be good.
So here I am, still feeling at times maybe I'll just jump, knowing in the back of my mind the belly flop will happen, but it doesn't discourage me it just makes me want to go, try it out and do it, no matter what or how it turns out.
I'm glad I do this, I'm glad I'm me and I'm glad to take the risk, if I didn't  what would life be?
For me, it wouldn't be "Lived" and I can't deprive myself of that any longer.
Keep on Keepin On...
It's Not just the road we travel, it's the things we see that make it a journey.

New Beginnings...

Life is full of adventure and once you open yourself up to it, it just sometimes takes you away.
I've learned when you shut the door to even the smallest things it has a domino affect and we don't realize just how much it impacts what's in store for us.  When we become closed to one thing, we don't remember it's tied to everything else that makes us who and what we are.  We shut down on love because it did us wrong, but in doing that we harden our heart, we forget how to smile, the world turns gloomy and everything starts to turn dark and spiral downhill.  One simple door closes all the other ones and takes all positive possibilities with it.  Opening and accepting what's happening, changing it around and looking at it differently starts making other doors open, makes opportunities possible, shows you how to smile through the tears and brings you forward and let's wonderful things come to you. So you can see not everything falls apart if you just keep your door open, even a tiny bit.
I found these beautiful new beginnings, when I left the door open this time around instead of shutting it closed and shutting myself down with it.  A beautiful thing happened when I learned that if I just let it go, keep moving forward, smiling and laughing, my domino affect will only bring new things because it starts with me and how I deal with them. 
Being happy and leaving things behind doesn't make you want to close the door, it makes you want to keep opening windows.

Watching Over Me

I do believe that there are angels in our lives that watch over us. 
At times it seems things continually fall apart, I think it's a test to see how strong they know I am and to see how I'll overcome the obstacles.  Then there are times that they rise up and show me they haven't forgotten and are still by my side watching over me, making me push myself and never give up.  It's their reward to me.
My Aunt strongly believes that white cars are angels, they ride the roads and take care of us.  After months of searching for a car, with no hope insight, it was either the wrong price or mechanical issues, I was about to call it quits.  When at the end of a frustrating day a call was returned to me to come take a look at a car, it was perfect and it was 'White'.  I believe my grandparents made sure they would be riding with me everyday.  For years of interviewing, wild hunts and madness, it was always for an Accounting position and they never panned out.  But with an angel boss watching over me, believing in me and pushing me through, the exact job that I was skilled to do, because of her, came through and is now mine.  I know she never gave up on me, during those last moments of her life she knew I never gave up on her.
I now have found a balance, an appreciation for the little things, the fragrance of flowers, a letter or note and a certain feeling in my soul that I've found love.  My grandparents always taught me that the little things are the things that count the most, always remember to take time to smell the roses.
So do I believe that these people that I loved so very much are still with me?
Yes, I Do.  And I believe and am so thankful to have them as the angels that watch over me and make me strong and make me remember just how much they still love me.  Thank You.

Dedicated To: Grandma & Grandpa Casanova, Helene and Grandma Betty & Grandpa Tom.  I Love You all so very much.

Suddenly

When you're not really looking or ready, things happen...Suddenly.
When you think it's time to give up, go backwards, look away or just give in...Something happens...Suddenly.  And you don't know why, how or when, but it happens.
At times when I just feel like giving up and dropping down to my knees, there's a sudden thought of hope.  A feeling of something, I can't explain, it just happens.  And suddenly I feel like things will work out or be ok.  It may be a call, a song on the radio, a chat with someone or something you read.  It's that little something that gives hope and a sudden rush of calmness, even if for a brief fleeting moment, it crosses through you, it brings on the next step of moving forward and not giving up. 
I think I've gotten to the point where my moment has come, it's calmed me (or maybe it's believing in the meds.) one way or the other it's happen, it's come into play.  And I'm finally content. There's still so much that needs to happen, be addressed, to be figured out, but it's one step at a time, maybe they're little steps but it's a start.  One foot in front of another and just keep moving.  And I'm happy.
Stepping into the right direction one moment at a time and suddenly I feel like I'm on the right path ahead, not falling behind but going forward and making things better.
Suddenly, I feel...
Like Me.

The Untitled Me...

There's so many thoughts, cares, decisions and passing moments that go through me daily, hourly, every minute.  They can take a moment or they can corrupt, but they are at times not different then my own worries or concerns.  I take a look at the past, some I tend to block out, I don't want to remember, others I file away they will come to make me happy or haunt me later.  I don't know why it's so hard to let go, it's just me.  Maybe for some of it I'm not ready to move on, let go of or forget.  
It's like my book doesn't have a title, just chapters out of order and some with blank pages.  At times it seems my chapter isn't really closed, it's like it's left with a question mark at the end of the last page.  I don't like those chapters, the unfinished, the unknowing, the ones that are left for something more to happen to.  I'm happier and more content with a chapter ending with a finalization, and exclamation point, a period, end of discussion.  Those are the chapters that will forever be closed, the ones I can file away and be happy with the outcome.  But isn't that what our life holds, sometimes the uncertainty, of what will come back, what is lost forever and what we still need and hold on to?
For me I've come to the point where my book (my life) doesn't have a title, it's lost and out of order chapters are what moves me to want better for myself, my head, my heart and my soul.  My book may be a mess, much like the author, but it's truth, it's real and it's raw. Maybe you'll read and try to understand, maybe you'll  page through and not care, but for me it's who I am, what I'm made of and how I've come to be.  Like anyone else, no one can  truly understand my mind, but with love and acceptance and just a little compassion you can appreciate what I've gone through and be there to be a steady hand, maybe that's all I need after all.  True sometimes I'm a mess, beside myself, on the edge and ready to give in, but all it takes are a few words spoken from a heart that really cares...
I'm here, lean on me, let me help you and I Love You no matter what.
Isn't that all we ever want to hear in that darkest hour, is that there's real love to pull us through just about anything.  So I'm here and I just want a solid place to be, a safe place, a place where all that matters is getting to tomorrow -- together.  

The Mirror of You

I can't imagine how hard it is to see him when you look at yourself.  I can't even begin to imagine living with that for the rest of your life.  A blessing or a curse.
The loss you feel is unbearable, a hole in your heart and soul, a great piece missing from you.  No one will ever understand the absence you feel when the other side is not there to finish a thought, sentence or question.  There's a void, one that will no longer be replaced or given back.  The piece of him that we miss can never measure up to the piece you are missing, and I'm truly sorry for that.  Life is so short and in this case shorter then most, 17 years and for what? It's a missing answer and in our minds why he was taken so young seems so petty.
Looking at you is the mirrored imagine of him, I want to smile because I still have so much of a part of him here, through you, and I want to cry because I will never have his actual presence in front of me again.  I'm torn between laughter and tears, but I will not show you, you have to much to remember and that memory will forever be with you in that mirror.
I want to give you peace, but it's so hard when I haven't found peace for myself.  I miss him too.  All I can say to you is this: Live, "LIVE" for both of you, Live the life he won't be able to, do the things you both talked about, make his dreams and future come true, through You.  YOU can do it, I believe in you.
I don't believe when we die we just leave, I believe that when we die, our pain goes away, we are finely free and we keep living through the ones that loved us.  That's me, but because of encounters I've had along the way with the passings of loved one, I feel when we need them most, somehow in someway they are there, little signs even an apperance, they are there.
Look in the mirror and smile - he will smile back at you and you'll know you're twin is never far away. I love you both very dearly.