There's so many times in our lives that we just want, need or expect. There's so many times that we just have to go with the punches, dodge the balls, be disappointed and live with the things that may not always go our way.
There's just so many times, ups and downs. But...we get through it.
It's in all of us that we think we're totally Invincible - we're like Super Hero's in our own minds, worlds and hearts.
And then one day a reality meteor comes from no where and smashes you to the ground...Universe code name...
CANCER!
With all that can and could happen time just stops and makes you deal with a harsh reality of "What If's?!?!?!"
The only thing left to do is Fight, fight long, fight hard and fight for keeps. Of course the fighting comes after the devastation, the frustration, the sadness, the tears, the punches and the madness from within, but it's ok those are reality steps. Life teaches us that we are not invincible, we are not non destructible and we are at times more fragile then we will ever appear to admit. It's those times that when something like this happens it makes you stop, think and fall to the ground. At least for me that's what happened, I just took a step, became jello and fell down, besides throwing a fit, crying and looking at all of this as 'the end'.
But...it wasn't, it was just the beginning, the beginning of a long twisted highway.
I learned at times to quiet the crazy that was being so loud in my head, I had to sit back at times and just let things be, since I had no control over them all I had was control over me and at certain points that was the hardest to do. Control ones self, especially when you feel like you have 2 of you in there and they're heading in totally separate directions. Yep that's ME...Me and Crazy we're a packaged deal, and believe me I'd rather be without her too.
I like everyone else wishes all our wonderfully planned out roads go smoothly and everything just falls into this magical perfect place. Well, that doesn't happen, at least 8 out of the 10 times it doesn't so why does it come as such a shock? Why are we shocked or upset when the tides change, the winds start up, the road turns and the cracks in the wall? Why? I'm so used to throwing fits over the indecisiveness and last minute changes that why would it even bother me so much still, why care, why not just go along for the ride and see where the heck this is going to go?
Well cancer for one puts a little damper on the sunshine, yet it was raining outside in the first place and it creeps into your happy place, even if you were sad to begin with. But you can't let it win, you can't let it take control and you have to just let your "Crazy" have at it for once.
Let me tell you a little about "Her"...
She's the inside of me that wants out, wreak havoc and cause some kind of pain, to me, to others, to the world. She's the one part of me that has been broken, damaged and can't let go, she's one hell of a Fire Cracker when you need one and one Crazy A** Bitch when all goes down, she WILL protect you, well Me, she does protect me but sometimes it's not always for the best. It's that part of doubt you may have, she'll enhance it, it's the not so worthy story that can get turned into a chapter of a cheaters book in less then ten seconds. It's a look that can be taken in a bad way and it's a love that can be broken by self destruction, all because of a little 'Crazy'. There was once a time that she would scream so loud I couldn't even hear myself think, a time where I didn't even want to deal with what could be, I just let her win and only lived with what was, was her thinking, her thoughts and her disillusions. Once you see the love you've grown to know slowly be die and be destroyed your heart has one only one choice...To Fight. To not let the voice that screams scare you, make you believe something it's only invented or imagined, but it's the one time that you silence her. For what she's the most afraid of is the one thing you've struggled to protect...Love. It's my time that I let my own mind sing, over power any other thoughts and silence the crazy that lives inside, and for those times she's still, she's peaceful or she just realizes I won't put up with her sh*t. It's the time I Win.
Like cancer, even though it yelled inside of me and had crazy believing maybe it would be able to take hold, it didn't. I embraced it the second time around, loved it and sang, and when everything calmed down and I realized I won the second round, Crazy celebrated too and it's the first time we became One.
Life IS so unexpected and being Me just lets me know there's other things I could worry about, other things I could really put my energy to, having a ranting, screaming voice in my head is not one of them. So yeah, maybe she lives there, but for once she's not as psychotic as she normally could be, she's just a little Crazy. Besides, life and all it's crazy it seems like a perfect place for her to be.
What comes along ~ Embrace it
If it scares you ~ Sing
Remember, you can't ever fly, if you're a afraid to fall. Let Go...there's no time like the present. We're not guaranteed tomorrow so what are you waiting for, what am I waiting for...Jump and I'll see you when we land.
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