New Beginnings...

Life is full of adventure and once you open yourself up to it, it just sometimes takes you away.
I've learned when you shut the door to even the smallest things it has a domino affect and we don't realize just how much it impacts what's in store for us.  When we become closed to one thing, we don't remember it's tied to everything else that makes us who and what we are.  We shut down on love because it did us wrong, but in doing that we harden our heart, we forget how to smile, the world turns gloomy and everything starts to turn dark and spiral downhill.  One simple door closes all the other ones and takes all positive possibilities with it.  Opening and accepting what's happening, changing it around and looking at it differently starts making other doors open, makes opportunities possible, shows you how to smile through the tears and brings you forward and let's wonderful things come to you. So you can see not everything falls apart if you just keep your door open, even a tiny bit.
I found these beautiful new beginnings, when I left the door open this time around instead of shutting it closed and shutting myself down with it.  A beautiful thing happened when I learned that if I just let it go, keep moving forward, smiling and laughing, my domino affect will only bring new things because it starts with me and how I deal with them. 
Being happy and leaving things behind doesn't make you want to close the door, it makes you want to keep opening windows.

Watching Over Me

I do believe that there are angels in our lives that watch over us. 
At times it seems things continually fall apart, I think it's a test to see how strong they know I am and to see how I'll overcome the obstacles.  Then there are times that they rise up and show me they haven't forgotten and are still by my side watching over me, making me push myself and never give up.  It's their reward to me.
My Aunt strongly believes that white cars are angels, they ride the roads and take care of us.  After months of searching for a car, with no hope insight, it was either the wrong price or mechanical issues, I was about to call it quits.  When at the end of a frustrating day a call was returned to me to come take a look at a car, it was perfect and it was 'White'.  I believe my grandparents made sure they would be riding with me everyday.  For years of interviewing, wild hunts and madness, it was always for an Accounting position and they never panned out.  But with an angel boss watching over me, believing in me and pushing me through, the exact job that I was skilled to do, because of her, came through and is now mine.  I know she never gave up on me, during those last moments of her life she knew I never gave up on her.
I now have found a balance, an appreciation for the little things, the fragrance of flowers, a letter or note and a certain feeling in my soul that I've found love.  My grandparents always taught me that the little things are the things that count the most, always remember to take time to smell the roses.
So do I believe that these people that I loved so very much are still with me?
Yes, I Do.  And I believe and am so thankful to have them as the angels that watch over me and make me strong and make me remember just how much they still love me.  Thank You.

Dedicated To: Grandma & Grandpa Casanova, Helene and Grandma Betty & Grandpa Tom.  I Love You all so very much.

Suddenly

When you're not really looking or ready, things happen...Suddenly.
When you think it's time to give up, go backwards, look away or just give in...Something happens...Suddenly.  And you don't know why, how or when, but it happens.
At times when I just feel like giving up and dropping down to my knees, there's a sudden thought of hope.  A feeling of something, I can't explain, it just happens.  And suddenly I feel like things will work out or be ok.  It may be a call, a song on the radio, a chat with someone or something you read.  It's that little something that gives hope and a sudden rush of calmness, even if for a brief fleeting moment, it crosses through you, it brings on the next step of moving forward and not giving up. 
I think I've gotten to the point where my moment has come, it's calmed me (or maybe it's believing in the meds.) one way or the other it's happen, it's come into play.  And I'm finally content. There's still so much that needs to happen, be addressed, to be figured out, but it's one step at a time, maybe they're little steps but it's a start.  One foot in front of another and just keep moving.  And I'm happy.
Stepping into the right direction one moment at a time and suddenly I feel like I'm on the right path ahead, not falling behind but going forward and making things better.
Suddenly, I feel...
Like Me.

The Untitled Me...

There's so many thoughts, cares, decisions and passing moments that go through me daily, hourly, every minute.  They can take a moment or they can corrupt, but they are at times not different then my own worries or concerns.  I take a look at the past, some I tend to block out, I don't want to remember, others I file away they will come to make me happy or haunt me later.  I don't know why it's so hard to let go, it's just me.  Maybe for some of it I'm not ready to move on, let go of or forget.  
It's like my book doesn't have a title, just chapters out of order and some with blank pages.  At times it seems my chapter isn't really closed, it's like it's left with a question mark at the end of the last page.  I don't like those chapters, the unfinished, the unknowing, the ones that are left for something more to happen to.  I'm happier and more content with a chapter ending with a finalization, and exclamation point, a period, end of discussion.  Those are the chapters that will forever be closed, the ones I can file away and be happy with the outcome.  But isn't that what our life holds, sometimes the uncertainty, of what will come back, what is lost forever and what we still need and hold on to?
For me I've come to the point where my book (my life) doesn't have a title, it's lost and out of order chapters are what moves me to want better for myself, my head, my heart and my soul.  My book may be a mess, much like the author, but it's truth, it's real and it's raw. Maybe you'll read and try to understand, maybe you'll  page through and not care, but for me it's who I am, what I'm made of and how I've come to be.  Like anyone else, no one can  truly understand my mind, but with love and acceptance and just a little compassion you can appreciate what I've gone through and be there to be a steady hand, maybe that's all I need after all.  True sometimes I'm a mess, beside myself, on the edge and ready to give in, but all it takes are a few words spoken from a heart that really cares...
I'm here, lean on me, let me help you and I Love You no matter what.
Isn't that all we ever want to hear in that darkest hour, is that there's real love to pull us through just about anything.  So I'm here and I just want a solid place to be, a safe place, a place where all that matters is getting to tomorrow -- together.  

The Mirror of You

I can't imagine how hard it is to see him when you look at yourself.  I can't even begin to imagine living with that for the rest of your life.  A blessing or a curse.
The loss you feel is unbearable, a hole in your heart and soul, a great piece missing from you.  No one will ever understand the absence you feel when the other side is not there to finish a thought, sentence or question.  There's a void, one that will no longer be replaced or given back.  The piece of him that we miss can never measure up to the piece you are missing, and I'm truly sorry for that.  Life is so short and in this case shorter then most, 17 years and for what? It's a missing answer and in our minds why he was taken so young seems so petty.
Looking at you is the mirrored imagine of him, I want to smile because I still have so much of a part of him here, through you, and I want to cry because I will never have his actual presence in front of me again.  I'm torn between laughter and tears, but I will not show you, you have to much to remember and that memory will forever be with you in that mirror.
I want to give you peace, but it's so hard when I haven't found peace for myself.  I miss him too.  All I can say to you is this: Live, "LIVE" for both of you, Live the life he won't be able to, do the things you both talked about, make his dreams and future come true, through You.  YOU can do it, I believe in you.
I don't believe when we die we just leave, I believe that when we die, our pain goes away, we are finely free and we keep living through the ones that loved us.  That's me, but because of encounters I've had along the way with the passings of loved one, I feel when we need them most, somehow in someway they are there, little signs even an apperance, they are there.
Look in the mirror and smile - he will smile back at you and you'll know you're twin is never far away. I love you both very dearly.

Hope...

So there's good days and bad.
On my good days, my mind is quiet, I'm relaxed, I can be alone and I'm actually "O-K".  On my bad days, the screaming from the one that lives in my head doesn't stop, my imagination can run crazy wild - writing chapters in a book that doesn't even exist and I'm a great big mess (not in a cute country or hot mess way).
But I've come to realize there's...Hope.
That one simple thing, so small, sometimes not relied on, but it's there, hope.  I can feel so down, get so depressed I can sleep days away, yes days not just a day as in 24 hours, but days.  I can actually cut myself down to nothing, me, alone, I can do more damage to myself then anyone on the outside of my own skin.  At the bottom of that dark ride, there's a tiny light, sometimes so dim we don't even notice it, I know I don't, and it's just shinning, waiting for you to come up for air.  Hope.
And I'm slowly learning as my mind and days progress that I'm "In Hopes" that tomorrow will be better, I will find all my strength and I will pull from it and make it easier, for me.  It's not that big a deal, right?!?! To some, No it's not, but for me, it may be the challenge of a lifetime at that specific moment, so I turn to hope.  I make myself see the light, go to it and breath, one deep breath at a time and my mind relaxes and I find that little bit of hope, to know it's not that bad, it will be ok and I need it to start here, inside me.
Today, if I get pulled down I'll find what I need, the tools in my heart, not my mind to pull me back to the love I know it'll turn out the way it's meant to be. 
After all that's all we really can do, when we've given our all, we just put it out there and...Hope for the best.

Nothing Lasts Forever...

Everything must go...
Blown away in the wind...
Wither and wilt...
Everything dies...
Sad and as lonely as that may sound, it's very, very true.
I tend to stay in a world of my own thinking that it always looks like blooming roses, smiles on the faces of the people I love and I push down the loss so I don't feel the full effect.
Don't we all tend to hide behind a mask at some time?  To feel something that really isn't that real?  To make believe there's hope?  I do.
Then at times that reality check comes in and kicks me in the face, lays me out on the concrete and sits on my chest til I can no longer breath and makes me see what's gone.  It's those times that become hard to face, to much to get a grip on, but it's those times that are real and I'm pushed to the limit of having to see them.
Just like anything on this place we call earth, nothing lasts forever, not even us.  There's a saying "All good things must come to an end", all bad things too, everyone, everything, everywhere, it all ends.  Leaves that pit in our stomachs of when will our time come?  Soon or not soon enough.  Time is what we make of it, the good, the bad and everything in between. I will forever love you (at least while I'm still here) it's so easy to say but not always easy to do.  There's more hate and judgement in one's heart, more insecurities and imperfections then the love we should show to ourselves.  It starts here, with me.  So worried about everything that surrounds my world rather then the world that lives inside me, and reality comes and faces me with the truth and reminder that "Nothing LASTS Forever!" 
It's like a rose, it starts out small, the petals closed tight to the world it grows in, then it starts to bloom where it opens up wide for all to see it's beauty, the aroma, the softness, still protected by it's thorns should any uninvited approach.  
Then, like everything, it's petals start to fall, it starts to die, the wind catches them and blows them into the air, to me it resembles, nothing lasts forever, but you will still be around me.  Everything gets blown into the wind.  Symbols seem to have more effect then words, there's a meaning, there's love and there's a bond, a memory that was created and captured and only to you does it represent something true.
Petals and leaves blown in the wind...but to this very day you will forever be in my heart.  A flower bush planted in the yard, since the day you bought that house, a set of long horns, acorns and squirrels, the smell of fresh bread and a leaf or petal of blue. 
True meaning of reality lost but only known to the one that holds them deepest in their own heart...
Me. 
Truly missed, deeply loved and most all never forgotten.