And it's been awhile...

And it's been awhile...

 During an absence there's so many things that happen and you think, why wasn't I writing, why wasn't I jotting things down, why was I always talking to myself instead of paper?

We never know, it's life and just like life, it happens.

We go so fast that we don't realize until the traffic slows that there was so much going on and we couldn't take notice of it all.  In the blur that we run through, the fog thickens, the time speeds up and we never see the door we're running into or the window we're jumping out of.

Life...it's a tricky bastard!

It lives with Love who's a mother flower and Mother Nature who's a bitch, what a wonderful family tree.  Maybe there's a reason why I always wanted to be immortal - so I could beat them all at their own sick games.

During the fog I was running in and the time I lost, I lost something very dear to me.  Bringing up kids is hard, bringing up their friends is just as complicated.  They grow to be a part of your family, an outstretched version of you that they acquire.  They become loved and it's something you never lose the older they get and their younger years with you is something they always remember.  Impressions, they do make a difference bad or good.

Watching someone you've helped raise fight for their life and slip into a coma is a far cry from the "norm", in an instant you're whole life is turned upside down, your heart is broken and it feels like a piece of your soul is being ripped out.  You walk in a daze, there's no longer a breath you take or a beat in your heart, there's no sleep, there's no appetite and just when you think you can grab a bottle and make ALL this go away - you realize "Shit! I'm so fucking depressed I can't even Drink myself Away!" Because there's a fear inside you and a hope that backs it up that you'll get the call that says "He woke up" and how the hell will you drive yourself to the hospital in this drunk slumber without ending your own life?!

You are actually Zombie-fied without the brain eating.  I really don't know for 3 weeks how I was able to work, how I got from place to place, how I managed to not fall into pieces on the outside, I do know how I lost 18 lbs. and how I was slapped into reality of "perspective".

When all of a sudden your life --- Stops because of someone else's life being jeopardized, someone you care for so deeply, someone who has made you smile when you've had eyes full of tears, someone who sang you "Three Little Birds" the day you came home from finding out you had thyroid cancer - Someone...that warms your heart, that you've watch grow from a 12 year old little boy to a 24 year old young guy, someone you just can not part with, it's that time when you look at your life and say - "F*ck It, nothing I have is worth worrying about." Perspective - when all the little bullshit you can think to fight over, no longer matters.  When all the guilt, stress and jealousy that you think you hold, flies right out the damn window.  When all that really matters lays in a bed helpless right in front of you, that's when your life gets put into perspective, when some you love can no longer have the littlest thing like being jealous, stressing about a deadline, arguing with the person they love the most or laying blame.  Perspective she's the kind hearted bitch that puts shit in order and makes you Wake the F*ck up from pity, self hate and aggravation.  She's the one you love to hate, she's the wake up call when you think things are hard and she's the one that will make you take a real hard look as to what's really important in your life...

I figured it was time to let go of something, maybe a part of me left that day, a small piece of the baggage I carried or just some extra deep seeded emotion it was something as those three weeks dragged on.  

I waited for the day that would come and his eyes would open and it did.  It will not be the same and there's a very long road ahead, but knowing he's alive and he remembers me will forever be the joy in my heart.  I may not get the same young man I helped raise back, I may only get a portion, but I just keep hope and know that no matter what exactly I get, I'm getting him and I'd rather spend the rest of my life reliving moments we had to spark memories then to not have anything at all.  Sometimes what matters most is learning that no matter what we think we're going through may seem like the end of our world, that in someone else's world it may actual be.

Keep faith, hope and your hearts always open, you never know when you're going to need to throw everything out the window in order to save someone else.

My Moppet - I will forever Love you and I will forever keep bringing you memories of long ago so we may eventually relive them one day together.  Keep fighting, we're all fighting this fight right along side with you.

When You Get...A Little Noticed

I don't know what feels better the fluttering inside or the smile and look in one's eyes...either way you've been noticed.
It's that least expected friendly flirtation that all of a sudden takes on a new meaning, a fresh look and a wonderful feeling.  It makes you feel Alive again!
Sometimes in the existence of day to day, the familiar unnoticed look from the one you hold dear, the tap tap hug and a peck on the lips, the Oh whatever and it really doesn't matter if I see you or not attitude, brings you to an unwanted place that you feel alone and exhausted.  But in that time of roaming through work, through your regular cycle of life, there is a smile, a laugh, a twinkling eye and a open gesture of playfulness, you've been noticed.
What?!?! How can that be? Me?!?! But yes, it is You!
The roads we tend to travel on leave little bumps and different paths along the way, once in a while along that weary desert there's a flower that blooms and brings you a little hope that not all of you is lost or forgotten about.  
You become someones bright spot, your smile makes them smile, their laugh makes you giggle and their touch brings you to life, it's a new world and you should let the life inside you live.    
There's a world outside the world we create in ourselves, not all of us let the outside world in, we're so determined to make the world inside ourselves work with forced happiness, less emotion and a struggle to find how it can all come together in some kind of peace and happiness, that we're blinded by what's outside, by what others see.  I'm not saying that we always act on our emotions or instincts, we need to read carefully and be sure what we want.  But during the collisions from our inside world to the outside one, doesn't it make more sense to accept what makes you flutter inside and that moment when you have to catch your breath because someone came along that took your breath away?

Life...and all its Crazy

There's so many times in our lives that we just want, need or expect.  There's so many times that we just have to go with the punches, dodge the balls, be disappointed and live with the things that may not always go our way.
There's just so many times, ups and downs.  But...we get through it.
It's in all of us that we think we're totally Invincible - we're like Super Hero's in our own minds, worlds and hearts.
And then one day a reality meteor comes from no where and smashes you to the ground...Universe code name...
                                        CANCER!
With all that can and could happen time just stops and makes you deal with a harsh reality of "What If's?!?!?!"
The only thing left to do is Fight, fight long, fight hard and fight for keeps.  Of course the fighting comes after the devastation, the frustration, the sadness, the tears, the punches and the madness from within, but it's ok those are reality steps.  Life teaches us that we are not invincible, we are not non destructible and we are at times more fragile then we will ever appear to admit.  It's those times that when something like this happens it makes you stop, think and fall to the ground.  At least for me that's what happened, I just took a step, became jello and fell down, besides throwing a fit, crying and looking at all of this as 'the end'.
But...it wasn't, it was just the beginning, the beginning of a long twisted highway.
I learned at times to quiet the crazy that was being so loud in my head, I had to sit back at times and just let things be, since I had no control over them all I had was control over me and at certain points that was the hardest to do.  Control ones self, especially when you feel like you have 2 of you in there and they're heading in totally separate directions.  Yep that's ME...Me and Crazy we're a packaged deal, and believe me I'd rather be without her too.
I like everyone else wishes all our wonderfully planned out roads go smoothly and everything just falls into this magical perfect place.  Well, that doesn't happen, at least 8 out of the 10 times it doesn't so why does it come as such a shock?  Why are we shocked or upset when the tides change, the winds start up, the road turns and the cracks in the wall? Why?  I'm so used to throwing fits over the indecisiveness and last minute changes that why would it even bother me so much still, why care, why not just go along for the ride and see where the heck this is going to go?
Well cancer for one puts a little damper on the sunshine, yet it was raining outside in the first place and it creeps into your happy place, even if you were sad to begin with.  But you can't let it win, you can't let it take control and you have to just let your "Crazy" have at it for once. 
Let me tell you a little about "Her"...
She's the inside of me that wants out, wreak havoc and cause some kind of pain, to me, to others, to the world.  She's the one part of me that has been broken, damaged and can't let go, she's one hell of a Fire Cracker when you need one and one Crazy A** Bitch when all goes down, she WILL protect you, well Me, she does protect me but sometimes it's not always for the best.  It's that part of doubt you may have, she'll enhance it, it's the not so worthy story that can get turned into a chapter of a cheaters book in less then ten seconds.  It's a look that can be taken in a bad way and it's a love that can be broken by self destruction, all because of a little 'Crazy'. There was once a time that she would scream so loud I couldn't even hear myself think, a time where I didn't even want to deal with what could be, I just let her win and only lived with what was, was her thinking, her thoughts and her disillusions.  Once you see the love you've grown to know slowly be die and be destroyed your heart has one only one choice...To Fight.  To not let the voice that screams scare you, make you believe something it's only invented or imagined, but it's the one time that you silence her.  For what she's the most afraid of is the one thing you've struggled to protect...Love.  It's my time that I let my own mind sing, over power any other thoughts and silence the crazy that lives inside, and for those times she's still, she's peaceful or she just realizes I won't put up with her sh*t.  It's the time I Win.
Like cancer, even though it yelled inside of me and had crazy believing maybe it would be able to take hold, it didn't.  I embraced it the second time around, loved it and sang, and when everything calmed down and I realized I won the second round, Crazy celebrated too and it's the first time we became One.  
Life IS so unexpected and being Me just lets me know there's other things I could worry about, other things I could really put my energy to, having a ranting, screaming voice in my head is not one of them.  So yeah, maybe she lives there, but for once she's not as psychotic as she normally could be, she's just a little Crazy.  Besides, life and all it's crazy it seems like a perfect place for her to be.
What comes along ~ Embrace it
If it scares you ~ Sing
Remember, you can't ever fly, if you're a afraid to fall.  Let Go...there's no time like the present.  We're not guaranteed tomorrow so what are you waiting for, what am I waiting for...Jump and I'll see you when we land.

Long New Beginnings...

Wow, it does take some time to get your feet grounded.
I do know that you can jump right in, but you don't always land just right.  It's like when you learn to dive, sure you got the form, you're ready and then you go for it...belly flop! Every time! No one's perfect.
Practice makes perfect, well not perfect but you know good enough to be.
Of course jumping in I always think I'll land it, I never let that back of the mind thing get in my way or get me discouraged.  I just go!  And of course I belly flop, but when that happens it reminds me I'm human and I need to just adjust, accept and feel my ground until I know I can glide and be good.
So here I am, still feeling at times maybe I'll just jump, knowing in the back of my mind the belly flop will happen, but it doesn't discourage me it just makes me want to go, try it out and do it, no matter what or how it turns out.
I'm glad I do this, I'm glad I'm me and I'm glad to take the risk, if I didn't  what would life be?
For me, it wouldn't be "Lived" and I can't deprive myself of that any longer.
Keep on Keepin On...
It's Not just the road we travel, it's the things we see that make it a journey.

New Beginnings...

Life is full of adventure and once you open yourself up to it, it just sometimes takes you away.
I've learned when you shut the door to even the smallest things it has a domino affect and we don't realize just how much it impacts what's in store for us.  When we become closed to one thing, we don't remember it's tied to everything else that makes us who and what we are.  We shut down on love because it did us wrong, but in doing that we harden our heart, we forget how to smile, the world turns gloomy and everything starts to turn dark and spiral downhill.  One simple door closes all the other ones and takes all positive possibilities with it.  Opening and accepting what's happening, changing it around and looking at it differently starts making other doors open, makes opportunities possible, shows you how to smile through the tears and brings you forward and let's wonderful things come to you. So you can see not everything falls apart if you just keep your door open, even a tiny bit.
I found these beautiful new beginnings, when I left the door open this time around instead of shutting it closed and shutting myself down with it.  A beautiful thing happened when I learned that if I just let it go, keep moving forward, smiling and laughing, my domino affect will only bring new things because it starts with me and how I deal with them. 
Being happy and leaving things behind doesn't make you want to close the door, it makes you want to keep opening windows.

Watching Over Me

I do believe that there are angels in our lives that watch over us. 
At times it seems things continually fall apart, I think it's a test to see how strong they know I am and to see how I'll overcome the obstacles.  Then there are times that they rise up and show me they haven't forgotten and are still by my side watching over me, making me push myself and never give up.  It's their reward to me.
My Aunt strongly believes that white cars are angels, they ride the roads and take care of us.  After months of searching for a car, with no hope insight, it was either the wrong price or mechanical issues, I was about to call it quits.  When at the end of a frustrating day a call was returned to me to come take a look at a car, it was perfect and it was 'White'.  I believe my grandparents made sure they would be riding with me everyday.  For years of interviewing, wild hunts and madness, it was always for an Accounting position and they never panned out.  But with an angel boss watching over me, believing in me and pushing me through, the exact job that I was skilled to do, because of her, came through and is now mine.  I know she never gave up on me, during those last moments of her life she knew I never gave up on her.
I now have found a balance, an appreciation for the little things, the fragrance of flowers, a letter or note and a certain feeling in my soul that I've found love.  My grandparents always taught me that the little things are the things that count the most, always remember to take time to smell the roses.
So do I believe that these people that I loved so very much are still with me?
Yes, I Do.  And I believe and am so thankful to have them as the angels that watch over me and make me strong and make me remember just how much they still love me.  Thank You.

Dedicated To: Grandma & Grandpa Casanova, Helene and Grandma Betty & Grandpa Tom.  I Love You all so very much.

Suddenly

When you're not really looking or ready, things happen...Suddenly.
When you think it's time to give up, go backwards, look away or just give in...Something happens...Suddenly.  And you don't know why, how or when, but it happens.
At times when I just feel like giving up and dropping down to my knees, there's a sudden thought of hope.  A feeling of something, I can't explain, it just happens.  And suddenly I feel like things will work out or be ok.  It may be a call, a song on the radio, a chat with someone or something you read.  It's that little something that gives hope and a sudden rush of calmness, even if for a brief fleeting moment, it crosses through you, it brings on the next step of moving forward and not giving up. 
I think I've gotten to the point where my moment has come, it's calmed me (or maybe it's believing in the meds.) one way or the other it's happen, it's come into play.  And I'm finally content. There's still so much that needs to happen, be addressed, to be figured out, but it's one step at a time, maybe they're little steps but it's a start.  One foot in front of another and just keep moving.  And I'm happy.
Stepping into the right direction one moment at a time and suddenly I feel like I'm on the right path ahead, not falling behind but going forward and making things better.
Suddenly, I feel...
Like Me.