And it's been awhile...

And it's been awhile...

 During an absence there's so many things that happen and you think, why wasn't I writing, why wasn't I jotting things down, why was I always talking to myself instead of paper?

We never know, it's life and just like life, it happens.

We go so fast that we don't realize until the traffic slows that there was so much going on and we couldn't take notice of it all.  In the blur that we run through, the fog thickens, the time speeds up and we never see the door we're running into or the window we're jumping out of.

Life...it's a tricky bastard!

It lives with Love who's a mother flower and Mother Nature who's a bitch, what a wonderful family tree.  Maybe there's a reason why I always wanted to be immortal - so I could beat them all at their own sick games.

During the fog I was running in and the time I lost, I lost something very dear to me.  Bringing up kids is hard, bringing up their friends is just as complicated.  They grow to be a part of your family, an outstretched version of you that they acquire.  They become loved and it's something you never lose the older they get and their younger years with you is something they always remember.  Impressions, they do make a difference bad or good.

Watching someone you've helped raise fight for their life and slip into a coma is a far cry from the "norm", in an instant you're whole life is turned upside down, your heart is broken and it feels like a piece of your soul is being ripped out.  You walk in a daze, there's no longer a breath you take or a beat in your heart, there's no sleep, there's no appetite and just when you think you can grab a bottle and make ALL this go away - you realize "Shit! I'm so fucking depressed I can't even Drink myself Away!" Because there's a fear inside you and a hope that backs it up that you'll get the call that says "He woke up" and how the hell will you drive yourself to the hospital in this drunk slumber without ending your own life?!

You are actually Zombie-fied without the brain eating.  I really don't know for 3 weeks how I was able to work, how I got from place to place, how I managed to not fall into pieces on the outside, I do know how I lost 18 lbs. and how I was slapped into reality of "perspective".

When all of a sudden your life --- Stops because of someone else's life being jeopardized, someone you care for so deeply, someone who has made you smile when you've had eyes full of tears, someone who sang you "Three Little Birds" the day you came home from finding out you had thyroid cancer - Someone...that warms your heart, that you've watch grow from a 12 year old little boy to a 24 year old young guy, someone you just can not part with, it's that time when you look at your life and say - "F*ck It, nothing I have is worth worrying about." Perspective - when all the little bullshit you can think to fight over, no longer matters.  When all the guilt, stress and jealousy that you think you hold, flies right out the damn window.  When all that really matters lays in a bed helpless right in front of you, that's when your life gets put into perspective, when some you love can no longer have the littlest thing like being jealous, stressing about a deadline, arguing with the person they love the most or laying blame.  Perspective she's the kind hearted bitch that puts shit in order and makes you Wake the F*ck up from pity, self hate and aggravation.  She's the one you love to hate, she's the wake up call when you think things are hard and she's the one that will make you take a real hard look as to what's really important in your life...

I figured it was time to let go of something, maybe a part of me left that day, a small piece of the baggage I carried or just some extra deep seeded emotion it was something as those three weeks dragged on.  

I waited for the day that would come and his eyes would open and it did.  It will not be the same and there's a very long road ahead, but knowing he's alive and he remembers me will forever be the joy in my heart.  I may not get the same young man I helped raise back, I may only get a portion, but I just keep hope and know that no matter what exactly I get, I'm getting him and I'd rather spend the rest of my life reliving moments we had to spark memories then to not have anything at all.  Sometimes what matters most is learning that no matter what we think we're going through may seem like the end of our world, that in someone else's world it may actual be.

Keep faith, hope and your hearts always open, you never know when you're going to need to throw everything out the window in order to save someone else.

My Moppet - I will forever Love you and I will forever keep bringing you memories of long ago so we may eventually relive them one day together.  Keep fighting, we're all fighting this fight right along side with you.