Realizing

Realizing...

I don’t know how it happens, well that’s a lie, I do I let you in.

I can piss, complain, whine, talk sh*t and make everything that we once had sound like you were a total d*ck, but in the end it’s my cover.  The reality is I accept you, I don’t try and change you, I don’t want to even give you a hard time.  You are who you are and you have been from the start, you’ve never hidden that.  I guess the reality is you actually make me realize who I really am.

In the beginning giving you my heart was probably my fatal mistake, but it was something I never regretted giving you.  I know at 24 you were not versed in playing the game, and playing a master was a fatal move, but you took it in stride.  The hurt that was caused to me was my own fault I should have known what I was playing with, but old habits die hard.  I let my guard down, I believed in empty promises, but the one thing, the one thing that you had above all else was the hold on my heart.  You see, my heart knows intentions, good or bad it feels them and you, you had good intentions, just f*cked up ways for delivery.  I fell and I fell hard, I believed and I let my guard down, but THAT – that was all me, I can’t blame you for what I did.  I’ve always said I can’t get mad at the truth I can only be disappointed in the lies.

Somehow your imperfections hit to close to home and I realized you actually bring out the real me.  Like it or not I have to face the fact that my flaws cause the “not good enough” effect.  Are we one in the same?  Is this why I can easily accept you?  Do I look at you and see myself? Sometimes I think the answer is yes.

I get so tired of being judged, being told how to feel, or how not to feel, what I should let go of and what is good for me.  Can’t I just be me without the load of being what everyone else wants.  Somehow I feel deep inside that’s where we are the same, always trying to be what everyone else wants and not ever being who we really are. 

You told me, you get tired of never being able to tell the truth, but your heart has the right intentions, you respond to what you think everyone wants to hear.  I do hear you. I respect that of you.

When I’m with you, you bring you the me that wants to live, you make me strong, you make me feel alive and you make me see just how important I am.  It’s like the feeling of being able to conquer one’s self, having the confidence to keep going when sometimes I’ve only felt like giving up.  Oh wait, those giving up moments you were there and you fought to keep me going, you made me fight to keep going and you got SO mad when I didn’t want to.  You shook me and told me I didn’t have a f*cking choice, because it wasn’t going down like that, you insisted I fight and for you I did.  We’ve had this crazy, insane, nothing like it in the world bond…Somehow it ties us and keeps us both going in a strange way.  You make me believe in me again and you know I accept your flaws and still find you perfect.

Sometimes we need that.

The reality is you make me find myself, you make me feel like I actually mean something and that if taking on the world is what I want, you’ll be there and have my back.

Finding me again is what I’ve needed in order to go forward, so if I never let go of you means always having the real me – it’s a gamble I’m willing to take, because the reality is – You make me come alive and actually not want to give up.  
9/2013