East Coast to West Coast

 Two years and 10 months ago we found each other...two souls looking for a partner, to share love, laughs and memories.  Little did we know that we would only be together for a short time before the east coast would call you back for a more permanant location.  The wolrd of time we shared I was a princess, your boo, your baby, your singing in bed muse, and my life was better with you in it. We laughed, we smiled, we shared stories, I cried, I got drunk, you always took care of me...you were My Hero and falling in love with you was the easiest fall of my life.  And away it went...and I was lost, lonely, and sad.  I couldn't find a balance for me which meant not being able to find the balance of Us.  Love was not lost but pushed down deep inside so I didn't have to face the fact that you were gone and I couldn't deal with being away from you for that long.  I pretended to walk forward, to fill my time, though your memory pulled at my heart and never stopped.  I ached deep inside without you, an absence nothing could fill, there was a part of me that was broken, but still I continued to move forward and push it down, deeper, deeper and deeper.

Until one day...a year ago the only person I wanted to talk to, that I needed most, that was weighing in my mind, heart and soul was a call away and I needed to make it.  I needed to hear your voice, I needed to hear you say it's ok Baby, I Love You, I'm here.  That day I cried all the feelings that I had pushed down so deep and I had finally let my heart breathe.  I took down my wall, my ego, I let go of my pain and I knew I needed you back in my life, one way or another.  You let me fly, you never hold me down, you make see a better version of me and you love me unconditionally.

East Coast to West Coast, we said years ago we would see where it went, we would try to hold it together, we would find a way to make it happen.  I knew I threw those out when I built a wall, but when we reconnected it was like picking up from where we left off.  My wall was no longer there, my mind was open and willing, my heart feels less broken.

Us...the love we have can not be lost, being in your arms is like being home, the way we fit, the undeniable chemistry we have, the way you look at me and smile. L O V E

I have learned so much from our relationship: patinece, understanding, loving hard, being open and willing, and most of all knowing that YOU being in my life is something I will NOT ever give up again.  Who knows what our future brings, I just know I can't wait to see it with you.  East Coast to West Coast our times spent together are precious, meaningful, passionate, full of love and my goodness there is always singing.

YOU are my #DTLA #26floorsup #myboxingchamp #eastcoasttowestcoast #inthetikiroom

❤ BJ  11/2021 "my life is better with you in it, ten hundred ways that I can spend it. Oh, happy day ain't no pretendin' My world is better with you in it. You know whatever we go through Imma rock with you nothing can break us apart because, My life is better with you in it."  .major.

Accepting Me

I've had too much time in my head...Too much time to think, too much time to re live, too much time in the hurt and too much time fast forwarding.  With or without me life will go on.  I think about the days that I could just drive over for a pot of beans, to talk about anything and everything and never be judged, only to be accepted and soothed.  I thought about love, loss and never being enough.  I re lived divorce, death and most of all emptiness.  I can fast forward only to find...3 dogs and being alone or in a corner with a window, a coloring book and lopsided pigtails...
Is this what I've become?  I've had a lot of time in my head.
I've had a vision of what life would be but it's not reality, I continue to look forward instead of now. 
I will continue to smile, to hold my head up high and still laugh through my sadness.  I will wear the mask that I have made my own for so long that I can no longer tell the difference between it and my own face.  I look into the mirror and smile, it is a lie, I tell myself I'm ok and again I lie.  I continue to lie just so I can go on walking, so I can get up in the morning and pretend that everything is okay.  I lie...
I cried today, as I have for so many days in a row...I can't seem to stop.
I look inside myself and I know that I lost myself 11 years ago when I experienced the most tremendous loss of all.  Although I tried to carry on with a heavy heart and an emptiness that I can not explain I did.  I did because I had something to carry me through, something I could ride on, depend on...then I lost that...and the biggest part of me died with both of you.  I have since been lost, looking for that hole to be filled, accepting the day to be with you, wishing that day everyday, to the universe, to God, to whoever is listening to please, please take me to you.  I sit, waiting...
Nothing has come.
They say God doesn't give give you anything you can't handle...better thing will come, they will make you stronger for tomorrow.  I wait.
Today I looked in the mirror, I did not recognize the person looking back at me, she was a stranger.  Where I have gone, where did I go? Will I ever return?
Who am I , what do I want, what makes me happy, where do I want to be????
------ I dont' know...
Accepting me is the first step, but how do I get there?
Being happy within myself is the start, but how do I find that path?
How do I find the path when I am in a dark sea of nothingness?
I've had too much time with myself and she is scary...
When I say TODAY I will be okay - she says Stop lying.  I need to silence the doubt within and believe that I AM ENOUGH! I am okay and at the end if my pigtails are a little crooked, I have the people around me that will make sure they are fixed, give me a fresh coloring book and sit with me to look out the window.
I need to accept me and start there.
Looking in the mirror...I see...

Time...

I hear I'm great, I'm wonderful, I'm more then enough, anyone would be lucky to have me...yet here I am alone.
Maybe yes, I can be a handful at times.
Maybe yes, I get emotional and unload a ton of feelings all in the same breath.
Maybe yes...
I know for sure I want to be the only one for someone, I want to be a priority, not a choice, not a backup, not a second guess.

I want love, trust, honesty, loyalty and someone I can turn to with no judgment.  Time will heal the wrong that has come across my heart.  But how much time has to pass just to find...that someone.
I know it's said I can have anyone, Really?! Tell me where???
Cause time is the only one that's knocking on my door and it is empty handed.

The Dark Inside

I get so lost in my thoughts that I lose sight of what's in front of me.  I lose the good times, I miss out on the memory that was to be made.  I go deep inside and try to hide into the darkest part of me.  Am I broken...
How can I climb out and just enjoy today, not worry about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...just today.  To smile...To enjoy...To be happy...
The loss of what was important, what made me strong is haunting me inside everyday.  I look for it to complete me, yet it left so long ago I feel that it took me with it.  I want it back yet it is nowhere in reach.  Not in sight, just gone.
I long to not be empty, to find what can fill the hole.  I look up to the sky, I call into the ocean waves, please hear me and guide me.  How do I find me...I am so lost.
Give me a sign, give me some peace, give me a way to be feel and be free again.
Not to need...
Help me to find a happiness within me, without anyone.  Help me to complete myself so that I'm not a broken puzzle, just one that's missing a few pieces.

I AM Enough!
Help me to believe that.
I AM Love!
Help me to feel for myself.
Help me to shut the darkness inside that calls to me so loudly.

Only You

When I stand alone facing my life, I realize I want so much for you to be a part of it. 

I know the circumstances, the life, the time and yet I would still want to be with you, only you...

The texts, the calls, and the time we are able to spend together mean more then the world. I appreciate you and all you give to me.

My world is definitely better with you in it, my life seems more complete once you walked in, my heart is content and my mind is quiet. For once...only you...

If life would permit, could we...could We be a "WE"?

I no longer see myself with anyone else, I see only me with only you.

A lifetime from now...tears cried, a heart broken and a torn soul, only you know how to repair the way of me. Only you...

I don't want to go my lifetime without you, I only want to go with you, only you.

Every place, every song, every drink, every walk, movement and feeling of your body next to me, on me, moving with me, in sync with each other. You know how to move me, how to be with me, what I want, how to give and the exploring of each other is always amazing every single time.  Only you...

I can't imagine my life in an emptiness of you, I will always be by your side, I will always give you my all and I will always want my lifetimes with you, only you.
#rideordie #harleynme #friendsfolife 

Always By My Side

No matter the time or distance you are always there. I thank you for that and I am eternally grateful, blessed and beyond words for your loyalty, dedication and friendship.  You try beyond words to give more then you have to make sure I am happy, content, safe and loved.  No words...
Through thick and thin, bad and good you have been there.  Sometimes to pat me on the back, sometimes to pick me up, sometimes to hold me up, sometimes to cheer me on, no matter the situation you are always in my corner.
YOU are a milestone in my life, I hope you know that.
You are the completion of who I am (broken and flawed) and put me together, you have a hand in making sure I come out on top.  Some would not realize what it takes to be that person that is the upside to someone else.  When you have had the life I have, sometimes there's some points that take you down, a relationship, a memory, a bad experience, trust...the list goes on.  But then you have someone that is the ying to your yang and things just fall into place, they are the calming waters to your insanity, they have an understanding and they know you, really KNOW you.  They come in and sooth the storm that erupts, you don't even realize it until you can breath again.
You...the whisperer...
So thankful for everything you give.  It's so much more then you have and I realize what it takes and you still make it happen.
I honestly don't know what I would do without you, I'd be lost, devastated and incomplete...
I will not complete this lifetime with out you...
#rideordie #harleynme #friendsfolife

Imperfections, Insecurities, Implications

Do you ever find yourself at a crossroads? 
Yesterday was great, you were strong, independent, a beast to be reckoned with, perfect in your flawed ways, no shits to give, you were your all. 
Then today came...
And it broke you.  In all your glory, your high, it came like a torturous storm in the night and you became weak.  How did this happen, how did you let it happen?
You gave your power to someone else...You handed over a heavy heart looking for protection, but the protection you were looking for wasn't strong enough to handle your imperfections and insecurities.  You should know better!
Handing over a heavy heart, damaged, broken and torn can only be handed to someone that is strong enough and knows how to heal, is patient, kind, un judging, and has unconditional love to stand by your side no matter the consequences.
I know that now.  I've learned the hard way.  I've now seen the implications of handing over something that is treasured so dearly to me.  Not again.
There are not many people that you can show your true self to, you have to make sure they can handle seeing you in your naked, raw and emotional state.  It's not the pretty beauty that they see first site, you have to make sure they are ready to calm the storm, to be by your side and walk through it with you with whatever it is you show, give and are.
It takes a great hand to hold you, to pick you up and to stay.
Not everyone is ready to see imperfections and insecurities, though most of us have them in us, but when you can accept someone else's, make sure they are strong enough to accept yours.
Don't be broken, don't let someone have the power to weaken you. 
Take back YOU!  There is always someone there who no matter what will be by your side, they push you to your strength, they help you regain your power and they see you for who you always are.  YOU!
Be the best version of you for You, because you can, YOU have the power.
#harleynme #friendsfolife #rideordie

Jumping the Gun

I'm a gun slinger, I admit it. I'm the first one to draw, hand on the holster ready to fire, guns a blazing - at what... Who cares.  Fast draw McGraw!
The aftermath is what kills me.  Doom is my fate.
Does your hand always have to be on the holster? Can't it just rest by your side? Can't it just have a moment to look around and assess the situation?  Why does there always have to be the shoot out, the blood shed?
Story of my life.
In the beginning it was not like this, it was patient and kind and every word was valued and taken, then the lies started and the wall was built, the holster was tightened and the guns were ready.  Meet me at noon outside the town square, I was ready and I wasn't going to miss.
The past --- was made.  Held on to for reference, and the replay button began to continue all my life.  Not wrong, it happened through bad decisions and the guns were always ready, every chamber always filled, there was no Russian Roulette here.
I made sure I was able to make every shot, I would not be wrong again.
Over time this became life, to survive love without losing myself, and being able to hold on to my soul.  But I was still broken.
When you hold the gun...do you concentrate on aim or do you just aimlessly fire?
I admit, I aimlessly fire.  I take full blame.
I hear and assume and reach into my holster, draw and fire.  Simple...for me.
I've never had anyone dodge my bullet, be shot, get back up and start to walk toward me, THIS is new.  THIS is NOT how this happens.
But then again, I'm always jumping the gun so why am I surprised when my speculation is totally off and I come to find out there were no bullets in my gun after all, they were blanks.  You came to me with a full heart.
No lies, no facetious ways, no deception, no under minding, just you, an honest and loyal you.  You asked me to believe in you, to trust you and to realize that love was such a thing, you asked me to take a chance and to believe.
What?!  What am I hearing?!
And then you showed me...
Love
Honesty
Loyalty
Trust
Partnership
You showed me a world I am not used to living in and you told me to put the guns down, not in the holster, down, down on the ground and kick them forward.
I'm hesitant...
You've come behind me, put your arms around my waist, placed your hand over mine as my hand is on the gun, finger on the trigger and you've whispered in my ear "Baby, it's OK, I'm not going to hurt you, I Love You and I Want YOU."
I hesitate with the holster, still not ready to unbuckle, but you patiently wait and tell me you will be there to help me as long as I'm willing and ready to put the guns on the floor and kick them over, you will put them in safe keeping, for I should never need to use them with you.  You have guns of your own and you will use them to protect us, our love and what we are building - that's the only time the guns will be needed.
Not against each other, not in this circle ---
I hesitate as my finger slowly releases from the trigger, still palm on handle ready to jump the gun...
but this time...I look at you and somehow everything slows.
I need to breath, take a step back, look at my aim and realize the consequences.
I don't want to lose this, YOU! what we are trying to build.
I want this...
Hand steady...I look at you and you come around and hold me, always reminding me it's ok to let go, your hand always over mine, calming me and whispering in my ear  "Baby, it's ok, I'm here, you're Ok, I got this, I will take care of you".
My hand slowly lowers off the holster and into yours...
#mycameraguy

Percentages

Everyone has someone in their life that they can confide in, they can share everything with without fear or judgment.  I have you.  

Friend, best friend, confidant, therapist, unconditional love and understanding.

You have a way about you that calms me, sees me, never looks through me, understands and has compassion for my feelings.

I never understand what it is and I never question it, it just comes so naturally, second nature.  You are the person I always run to, one reason is I know you'll never let me fall, you have always been there to catch me, so trust is beyond any words.

My head, the running, bad decisions, bad choices, but through all the madness I always have you. 

Million dollar question...Why are we not together?!

Funny everyone asks...

3% of a 1%er is really not any percentage to make a relationship work.  Time is critical to a relationship, to come home to someone, or to share things after a day of work, to have a weekend or a day to take off and not care about the world, it just stops, it's just the two of us.  We could never get that time of time, so what we have works best for us, we are the best of friends and we will always be there for each other no matter the time.

I look at how I  react to things with others, I look at how I  feel in situations that arise and it's so very different. There's a stress, a jealousy, an uncertainty, a doubt of trust, a broken vow just going in, it's an unfairness at the start, but I don't see that until it starts to destroy what I'm making, what I have.  How is it different?! How can I go in without a clean slate?!  I'm destroyed out of the gate.

Why can't it be what I have with you?!

I don't know...

I don't know...

I wish it was...

I wish everyone had a fighting chance...

Compared to you they don't.

I hold you on such a high pedestal I don't think anyone is capable of reaching.  You and all your glory.   

Something has to change...

Something has to give...

What will be the breaking point of me letting someone else love me as much and as strong as you do?  What?! When?! Who?!

You have trained me so well to be so independent, so diverse, so strong, with you, with myself, but not with others.

When will I be able to shine for someone as bright as I shine for you?

What will it take for someone to see me the way you see me?

Who will be strong enough to love me with their all?

You have put me on a pedestal so high I am untouchable to the normal world, I should feel honored, but sometimes I feel it to be a curse.

I know there is only the best of the best and you are cutting them down one by one, only the strongest survive.  Who will be enough to hold me, in any damaged, broken, falling state?

I know the day will come when you will no longer be able to carry my weight with you, and I can only hope that the one who can will be able to be beyond your expectations and will catch me.

#rideordie #friendsfolife #harleynme

Taking Chances

Does something come along and all you've ever wanted presents itself?
You hold back, you hesitate, you're guarded, your uncertainty makes you step further back.  You close your eyes, you hold your breath, you freeze, this couldn't be real.
All I've wanted, all I've looked for, all my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies, having it all.  Could I?...
Is that such a thing, having all I've wanted?
Only one thing to do is to take a chance.  Do I open up, do I let you in, do I take a chance?
Hurtful relationships have left me broken, torn, untrusting.  Broken promises over and over, I've heard them all, they have scared my heart and head.  Who am I and what others have wanted has left me unsure about what kind of perfect is wanted.
I am ONLY Me.
That should always be enough, there's a part of me that feels like that with you, but I still stay guarded.  With you, it's everything that scares me, you make me feel, you let me be me and reassure me that's more then enough.  To you I am perfectly imperfect.
I am beautiful, understanding and loving.
The world I imagine with you is everything I could ever want, it scares me to feel that way.  To let my guard down, to give you me, all of me, heart, body and soul.  will you protect all of it?  Is your world real?  Could love me forever?
If I take a chance...
Will you note let me fall?  Will you catch me?
To love you is a chance I'm willing to take.  Please don't break me, the recovery from you would be devastating.  Just take a chance with me.

Work

It's a key word it makes or breaks who we are.  It's something you have to put in all the time in every aspect of your life.  Professional, personal, health, emotional, physical, you name it if you don't or can't you fail.
Are you a quitter?...
Do you just throw your hands up? -OR- Do YOU Fight?!
First and foremost fight for yourself, YOU are worth it!
Work...if you put in the work you will get the satisfaction, the result, achieving the goal you set out for.  Don't let expectation run your direction, go get it, achieve it, work for it, nothing comes easy, feel accomplished.  Feel and don't ever give up.
If the end result isn't exactly what you were expecting, your hard will would have taught you something you may have not known about yourself.
Fear, strength, patience, understanding, love.
Maybe you were taught to love yourself, to give you, YOU.
Maybe you overcame a fear, loneliness, abandonment, commitment.
Maybe you were taught to listen, not just hear words.
Maybe you learned to look within, instead of projecting outward, to take a step back and breath. One, Two, Three...
Whatever it is or was, you worked and that's where it all begins.  You have to put in  in order to get something out.
It's never to late to make the best version of you that you can.

Playing a Game of Hearts...Mine

Soooooo as much as I preach about protecting your heart, shield it, don't let down the guard on your heart til it's a for sure thing. I did not practice what I preached!
I have only myself to be pissed at.  I know better.
So the game of hearts you decided to play was with me, I have played this game several times and have lost, convinced that I now could play this hand and keep my cards close to me until I was ready to show them - I made the brutal mistake of showing my hand the very first round. All hearts.
Fuck!
What happened, you took them, used them in your hand and cleaned the table, and disappeared.  - Fuck!
I know this game, sooooo well.  I know how to play it, I've lost to it before, WTF?!
WTF?! Happened!!!
I got so wrapped up in the moment of hopefulness, of finding what I have missed, the void that could be filled.  The sweet words, the feelings that were shared, the same road, the chemistry, the attraction... Was all of it that much of a lie?!
Did I get played that well?!
What happened?!
Days of shared thoughts, feelings, wants...
Then it all just disappeared...
Just like that it just vanished, I didn't even have time to blink, you were just gone...
All my cards in your hand...My heart crushed...
I should know better...I was told to be better, I KNOW to be better, but you weakened me, I let you and I  have no one to blame for that except me.  I gave you the power to hold my heart and crush it. 
I need to be more careful with such a delicate part of me..
Next time...I will hold my cards close and I will not play my hearts until you truly deserve and can prove that you will not walk away from the table.

Needing to Believe...given the push

As I step out into a place I'm not used to being, an unknown feeling comes over me.  I'm walking into a space that feels strange, exciting and alone all the same time.  I don't know how to embrace it or if I should turn and run.  Some embrace this space, I've never been in this space long enough to ever embrace it, it usually scares me so much that instead of facing my fear I turn and latch onto something and get out.  What I latch on to doesn't matter at the time, good, bad, toxic, it's just there and I take hold so I don't have to face the fear that I believe is waiting for me.
This time is different...
This time I'm told to stay, I'm told to face it head on, I'm told be to strong, I'm told to find myself in this fear.  I'm told I need to stay in order to really be free. I'm told I won't be alone, he will stay with me and hold my hand.  He will help me get through it, he will be there like he always has in this space or out of it.
But for now he tells me in order to move forward, I have to face what I've never given myself a chance to.  He knows me more then I know myself, he has confidence in me, in who I am.  He reminds me how strong, independent, and beautiful I am.
He believes in me, even when I doubt myself, he knows how strong I am , that's what he loves about me.  I can do this.
I need to look deep, grab hold of who I am, and face this.  I know I can.
The unknown is a scary place but only when you let your fears conquer your strength.  Dig deep, hold tight and believe.  I can do this.
Sometimes the reminder he gives, the way he believes in me and the push he has calls to my strength and reminds me I'm better then anything I ever thought and that I can do anything.
I can do me.  I can do this.
I'm the best version of myself that I've ever been.  I can be alone with myself and be great.  It may be a small journey until I conquer the fear but I know can, he tells me I will.  He believes and makes sure I do.  Because I don't know what I'd do without his friendship or him in my life, his push, his pick me up, his words, his honesty, his bluntness.  He is true, he is real and he will always be there, no matter the person, the relationship, the situation, no matter what life brings me.  He's there...to hold me up.
#harley&me #friendsfolife #rideordie

Harley...and Me

When my head starts spiraling and it takes over all my other emotions, I find that I need a distraction in order to get back to center and find myself.  Somehow you know how to pull me back up and get me right. Odd that what we have can always pull me back to center, giving me that little push that I need.  The way you are, the person you are, the way you see me, let's me see who I am and sometimes I need that reminder.  Thank you.

I sit and listen to my thoughts, my head going round and round in circles, a cycle I can't seem to shut off, yet one call from you, your voice, soothing and real, stops my head from spinning, stops my thoughts from being out of control and a sudden smooth and relax comes over me. What is it? 

A small pocket of time we shared, yet it seems like that pocket of time was a lifetime that we have known each other and we fall right back into place like it was yesterday, understanding life, appreciating.

What is it that you have? The small time we've known each other, yet no time passes between us and I fall right back into smiling, laughing and being at ease.  What is it?

The causal way we are, the relaxing feel of myself being around you, the honestly, the open air, the brutal truth of life, all of these can be shared with you openly, no judgment, no criticism, no shame.  Just Us... I can't think of a time that I feel more comfortable or myself. How do YOU do it? yet I can't do it myself!

You know how to make me laugh, make me smile, how to make my day, without doing anything but being you, joking, always giving me the best conversations and texts. You make me free.  You bring out the adventure, the excitement and all the good feelings that I remember having with you.
It's like living a different life, the one that I miss having, the girl I miss being...

I don't know how to repay you for what you do for me, the gratitude I have inside, how thankful I am to have you in my life.  All I can do is soak in the happiness you give me, cherish every moment we make and look at you with admiration and adore you for how you make me look inside myself and make me feel so ALIVE!  

That's what My Harley is all about -
Giving you that push you need and smacking you in the ass and saying Girl you got it - go get it, be you and don't let anyone fuck with your head, you're better then that!

Now get on the bike and let's ride!
#harley&me #freindsfolife #rideordie 

Within You First

It took me a very long time, more then half of my life, to find myself, the real me.
I walked through trying to please everyone, trying to change the person I was for someone else, trying to fix things.  I never was truly happy with myself, I never realized I didn't need to change who I was for anyone and you can't fix everything, shit happens and sometimes it's just out of your control and that's ok.
Walking in a cloud of denial, not letting the real person inside surface, holding back feelings wanting to protect everyone Else's, but in the end no one protected me.  I was hurt, I was injured, I was knocked down and I was bruised, but no one cared what their actions did, they did them, they were first.  So why wasn't I? Why didn't I care enough about myself to be strong and to fight back, to own my voice and to let my real feelings show through?  I was afraid of rejection, of disappointment, of being unloved.  Love - do you know you can't truly love anyone until you can honestly love yourself?  You can't give yourself if you haven't accepted yourself. 100%
It took me to hurt, to bruise and to break in order to realize I get back up every single time.  I dust myself off, carry myself through and live another day.  No matter what has come my way I've gone through it, I've loved and lost and I've loved again.
I found myself...through time I found myself...me.
I looked inside and let out all that was bottled up, pushed deep into the abyss, things I didn't want to face or look at, I let them surface and I faced them in all their ugliness.
After I did I felt a weight lifted, I was free from all the things that I let stop me, hold me back and come between me and happiness.  I found myself.
And I liked who I had found, I was a fighter, I was stronger then I ever gave myself credit for, I was a happy and positive person.
I cared about me first, I put me at the top of my priorities, I said what I felt and when I did I didn't do it out of spit I put myself on the table and laid out of my feelings.  I have to be real, my heart, my love, my inner self, it's all me, there's no holding back.
So now the love that I have is for me first, within me first is me.  The love that surrounds me is given whole hearted with nothing expected in return.  Maybe some look at it that I have a cold heart  or I may not care - No it's not that I'm just selected.  I want positively in my life, I want happiness even in this cruel and strange world.  So if there's more of an underline that is expected from me, I have to keep distance, since it's not tic for tat.
When you find yourself and can truly say you love the way you are, you are a good person and you want to make others smile.  You have found yourself, you have found what's within you first and now you can be free,
When you free yourself from the negativity and the things that hold you back you are the BEST version of you and that's what you can share with someone else.

The Holidays

The holidays bring a mixture of emotions, everyone has something different that they feel.  Happiness, love, togetherness, cheer, loss, sadness, emptiness and loneliness, wherever you are in your life we can all feel.  No matter what emotion the holidays bring, you are entitled to feel any and everything you want and can.  Time is the only gage you have to heal, repair and continue, you alone have that and you can take all the time you need.  There's so much that goes on in our emotions and there's so much that goes on with loss, it's hard to jump back to the normal.  
Holidays bring a time of togetherness to continue making our memories and laughter with those from holidays before.  They also bring loneliness when we argue or disagree with those we are close to and we do not get to make a new memory of this year together.  They bring emptiness for those of us who have lost and all we have is the memory of the holidays before, cherishing those moments in our mind and keeping them close.  But during the holidays I reflect and give Thanks to those who loved so deeply in my life that they scarred my heart and it is too hard to forget.  I thank them for being there for me, I thank them for loving me so much that their love always kept me warm.  I'm grateful for what they shared with me, they shared themselves, the most important part of your life you could give to someone. I thank them for being with me for as long as they could, for holding on, and for sharing with me all the moments we had.  I thank them.  
And though my holidays or anyone out there can relate to having them without some of the people in our lives that are now gone, I can go through them and know that they are there with me in spirit to share every new moment I am having.  My pictures may be absent of someone who I Loved so dear, but my heart will be full thinking of how wonderful you would have felt being here.
With all my Love and Thoughts of you - not only during the holidays but every day of my life - Thank You.  Pudgy, Grandma & Grandpa 

My Thoughts...on missing you

The days you've left behind are empty and full of tears, I don't think I ever get through one thinking of you that doesn't bring my eyes to water.  It's been rough, almost 6 months and I still expect your excited self at the door when I come home from work.  I still look under the bed, expecting to see you rolled in a ball in your bed, or your legs stretched out and hanging off.  I still expect...you, physically, You.  The nights are lonely without you curled up right next to me, in and out of the covers, the disturbed sleep, yet I slept so good.  You, it's all I need, the missing piece, the part to make my heart whole, just you.

I know how much I took your love for granted, I know how many times I said not now, I know...and it makes this even tougher.  All those times, all the not nows, all the time away, I'd give anything to have those back - I Miss you.  It's a long and hard road that I travel now, an emptiness lives inside me like I've never known, you completed me in so many ways I can never explain.  I miss you.  I remember the days of happiness, your back tongue kisses, your head in my lap and the sound of your snoring. I Remember all too well.  The walks, the groomer, the vet, the pet store, the babies and how much you loved ice cream.  I remember all too well.  The look in your eyes when I was sick, after thyroid cancer surgery or on the days I just couldn't get out of bed.  You were there, I remember it all too well, like it was yesterday.  11 years you gave to me, the love you never held back on and that can never be replaced with the life I'm living now.  I will forever miss you.
When the news came in about your sickness, the lil pup body that was no longer the same frisky one you'd always been, it was the toughest.  To know there was nothing I could do, only pills the ease the pain and to love and hold you everyday.  I prayed, I sang to you, I kissed and loved you, every moment of everyday trying not to think of what was to come.  11 years could never fill the time that 2 months took, the happiness I tried filling myself with would only bring more tears to fall.  The day came when it was no longer in my ability to keep you going, though I tried and I fought, time was finally up.  You looked at me with eyes wide, a peace within them and I know that was suppose to give me a little peace inside.  It did not.  I look back on the days and weep from the moments that I wish I could have did everything wrong, I'm told I did everything Icould and I was the best mom.  I tired.  But my little one I hope that one day I can see your tongue out, panting face, I can feel your slobbery back tongue kiss and that you will paw me again just like the yesterday I try to hard not to forget.  One day...at the rainbow bridge.  No emotion can fill the emptiness of missing you, only the love you gave me that I keep close tries everyday to let one tear less escape.  But my heart will still tighten and my throat will still close - I Miss you.
Pudgy every single fucking day - I Miss YOU!

Not Now...

If the time comes that my heart can no longer reset itself, I will need to go on.
If there's a moment that my eyes no longer have tears, I will need to go on.
If the feel of your warmth against my skin no longer shines upon me, I will need to go on.
I never want to...
I never want to know my life without, I never want to stop crying for how much love I have in my heart for you, and I never want to not remember how much I loved holding you.
Never in this life time or the next, I never want to go on....
Like the seasons, the months, the years and time, it will like everything else start to fade, just a little with each passing day. But not my spirit, not my love, not my memories, they will stay.  As hurtful as the nights are, as empty as the room feels, I know that will become more bearable again.  There will come a day when I can look at your face and my heart will not tighten up, my eyes will not overflow with water and I will be able to breath.
But not today...Not yet...Not now...
I asked for so much when you were here and now I ask for so little to have you back, but there's no exchanges, no refunds, no playbacks.  It's the time when life pushes, I must go on.
But I don't want to...not today...not tomorrow...not ever.
When I thought the end was near, I asked for a second chance, I asked for a little more time, I was granted that, but it went so fast.  We can't outrun death, we can't outrun time, we can only stand by and watch as it takes away breath by breath the ones we love.  We don't live forever and I do know that, but for you, I wasn't ready.
Not today...not tomorrow...I can't go on.
I have the most treasured memories like they were dreams of yesterday, so strong in my heart and in my mind.  Playful moments, pesting days, working on patience, but most of all the love that we shared between us and the love you gave everyone around you.  I know in your heart you were ready and you tried to make me strong, you want me to go on.  To be the strong person you knew, the one who protected you and loved you with their all.  My heart and soul are so incomplete without you, so much is missing, a big hole of blackness and in the midst of that I know you are saying...
"It's Okay Mom, you need to Go On."
But for me it's not today, it's not tomorrow, it's not now...
Until time moves forward and starts to heal a small piece, it's not now.  11 years wasn't long enough and it will take double that in order to sew a small piece of emptiness back together.  Today is just another day that I wake up, put one foot in front of the other, look at the empty spot on my bed, tell you how much I love you and that I'm trying to go on.
But until my heart can reset, my eyes can no longer cry and my body can with stand the cold...
It's not today, it's not tomorrow and it's Not now.
Forever you will be My Furever!
Pudgy 03/04/2004 ~ 02/05/2016

Emptiness

I open the door, I hesitate and still look down, walking slowly, and then realize you're not there.  I keep thinking I need to rush home, there's something I need to do, someone I need to take care of. But you're not there.  There's so many things, so many words, so many moments I want to recreate. I want to reset, I want another chance, I would give anything to have you back. 
One chapter of loss and emptiness is one we can't bring back, it's the kind that's lost forever, the one that leaves us physically, the only thing here is the memories and the heartbreak. 
It's the kind of loss that you will only meet again when  you leave this world to go beyond the stars.  
Second chapter is where you pass on the gift of love you have been accustomed to in order to make some one else's life whole, complete and happy.  It's the kind the loss that you experience within your world but you've made the world of someone one else complete and full.  
The first chapter hurts the way no other can, it's the emptiness you will never get over, death. The second chapter is the one you look forward to hearing about from the people you have shared your gift with, life.
In their own way there is a loss and emptiness that is hard to get through.  Losing and letting go.  
As I walk in the door, I stop, look down, hesitate and go slowly...
Then I realize you're not there...and my heart is broken, shattered on the floor, and I close the door behind me to slowly pick up the pieces.

5/2016

Always Wanting...

Have you ever sat back and re-evaluated where you are, who you're with, where you've been or how you got here?  Sometimes there's an empty feeling that appears and eats at you like there's something missing...The feeling never leaves it just keeps you "wanting" but you never really know exactly what, with so many things coming at you.  A better relationship, a better job, better family support, better love (or just love period), a companion, a lover, a friend, a partner, a life...Something to look forward to, to be ambitious about, someone to plan a future with, someone who wants you for just simply you!
Wants...I used to think they were the devil in disguise now I've come to realize they're actually my hopes and dreams, the things I want for myself because I deserve to be happy.
I know I can be complicated let's deal with the reality that no one is perfect, maybe my quirks or damaged side isn't "fitting" enough for you.  When you love someone unconditional that means you take everything about them and heal them, you can you know.  You reassure them that their demons are now yours and you will fight to destroy them so they will feel safe again.  I've been alone for what seems a long time (being with someone that's not really there - is literally being alone), no matter what I tried to do to make things better, stronger, more easy, I was fighting an uphill battle and I'm strong enough to admit that now.  There's no more denial of how I "wished" things were or they'd become, the simple fact is that I was not a solid part of your life, I was not etched in stone and that's Ok.  I'm Ok!  I've been able to look inside myself and move on, I've been able to let go and realize that one day I will be strong enough to find someone that will appreciate me and will be by my side and when I'm not there they will find me and want to be with me.  
When you're always searching, there will always be "Wants".  The Secret is when someone leaves you with no "Wants" your search has finally ended and you can focus on making your life, your destiny and your dreams come true.  I've always wondered how that would feel to have no Wants.  To be complete.  To have someone Want YOU!  What's that like?
I think all my life I've been searching...for a whole heart, that was willing to only be mine, for that unconditional love, for someone that my worth was worth their world.
I won't give up, it's just taking me a little longer with the road I chose to go, I always thought of flowers and butterflies ~ I've just ended up with some thorns and mosquito's...But it's made me stronger  to endure what life has in store.  I may have fallen a couple times along my journey, but I've been strong enough to get up by myself and I'll keep on keepin on, it's what I do best.  If one day I'm given that ONE...who will leave me with no Wants - I will be forever his and I will love so deep that he will know there is no searching, because we will have each other to dream and make our future for and with.
One day..."If's" are always a possibility, I won't give up - maybe happiness and love will one day be on my side, I've waited this long, maybe...just maybe No Wants will come my way and I'll finally be complete.
01/2014