Within You First

It took me a very long time, more then half of my life, to find myself, the real me.
I walked through trying to please everyone, trying to change the person I was for someone else, trying to fix things.  I never was truly happy with myself, I never realized I didn't need to change who I was for anyone and you can't fix everything, shit happens and sometimes it's just out of your control and that's ok.
Walking in a cloud of denial, not letting the real person inside surface, holding back feelings wanting to protect everyone Else's, but in the end no one protected me.  I was hurt, I was injured, I was knocked down and I was bruised, but no one cared what their actions did, they did them, they were first.  So why wasn't I? Why didn't I care enough about myself to be strong and to fight back, to own my voice and to let my real feelings show through?  I was afraid of rejection, of disappointment, of being unloved.  Love - do you know you can't truly love anyone until you can honestly love yourself?  You can't give yourself if you haven't accepted yourself. 100%
It took me to hurt, to bruise and to break in order to realize I get back up every single time.  I dust myself off, carry myself through and live another day.  No matter what has come my way I've gone through it, I've loved and lost and I've loved again.
I found myself...through time I found myself...me.
I looked inside and let out all that was bottled up, pushed deep into the abyss, things I didn't want to face or look at, I let them surface and I faced them in all their ugliness.
After I did I felt a weight lifted, I was free from all the things that I let stop me, hold me back and come between me and happiness.  I found myself.
And I liked who I had found, I was a fighter, I was stronger then I ever gave myself credit for, I was a happy and positive person.
I cared about me first, I put me at the top of my priorities, I said what I felt and when I did I didn't do it out of spit I put myself on the table and laid out of my feelings.  I have to be real, my heart, my love, my inner self, it's all me, there's no holding back.
So now the love that I have is for me first, within me first is me.  The love that surrounds me is given whole hearted with nothing expected in return.  Maybe some look at it that I have a cold heart  or I may not care - No it's not that I'm just selected.  I want positively in my life, I want happiness even in this cruel and strange world.  So if there's more of an underline that is expected from me, I have to keep distance, since it's not tic for tat.
When you find yourself and can truly say you love the way you are, you are a good person and you want to make others smile.  You have found yourself, you have found what's within you first and now you can be free,
When you free yourself from the negativity and the things that hold you back you are the BEST version of you and that's what you can share with someone else.