Jumping the Gun

I'm a gun slinger, I admit it. I'm the first one to draw, hand on the holster ready to fire, guns a blazing - at what... Who cares.  Fast draw McGraw!
The aftermath is what kills me.  Doom is my fate.
Does your hand always have to be on the holster? Can't it just rest by your side? Can't it just have a moment to look around and assess the situation?  Why does there always have to be the shoot out, the blood shed?
Story of my life.
In the beginning it was not like this, it was patient and kind and every word was valued and taken, then the lies started and the wall was built, the holster was tightened and the guns were ready.  Meet me at noon outside the town square, I was ready and I wasn't going to miss.
The past --- was made.  Held on to for reference, and the replay button began to continue all my life.  Not wrong, it happened through bad decisions and the guns were always ready, every chamber always filled, there was no Russian Roulette here.
I made sure I was able to make every shot, I would not be wrong again.
Over time this became life, to survive love without losing myself, and being able to hold on to my soul.  But I was still broken.
When you hold the gun...do you concentrate on aim or do you just aimlessly fire?
I admit, I aimlessly fire.  I take full blame.
I hear and assume and reach into my holster, draw and fire.  Simple...for me.
I've never had anyone dodge my bullet, be shot, get back up and start to walk toward me, THIS is new.  THIS is NOT how this happens.
But then again, I'm always jumping the gun so why am I surprised when my speculation is totally off and I come to find out there were no bullets in my gun after all, they were blanks.  You came to me with a full heart.
No lies, no facetious ways, no deception, no under minding, just you, an honest and loyal you.  You asked me to believe in you, to trust you and to realize that love was such a thing, you asked me to take a chance and to believe.
What?!  What am I hearing?!
And then you showed me...
Love
Honesty
Loyalty
Trust
Partnership
You showed me a world I am not used to living in and you told me to put the guns down, not in the holster, down, down on the ground and kick them forward.
I'm hesitant...
You've come behind me, put your arms around my waist, placed your hand over mine as my hand is on the gun, finger on the trigger and you've whispered in my ear "Baby, it's OK, I'm not going to hurt you, I Love You and I Want YOU."
I hesitate with the holster, still not ready to unbuckle, but you patiently wait and tell me you will be there to help me as long as I'm willing and ready to put the guns on the floor and kick them over, you will put them in safe keeping, for I should never need to use them with you.  You have guns of your own and you will use them to protect us, our love and what we are building - that's the only time the guns will be needed.
Not against each other, not in this circle ---
I hesitate as my finger slowly releases from the trigger, still palm on handle ready to jump the gun...
but this time...I look at you and somehow everything slows.
I need to breath, take a step back, look at my aim and realize the consequences.
I don't want to lose this, YOU! what we are trying to build.
I want this...
Hand steady...I look at you and you come around and hold me, always reminding me it's ok to let go, your hand always over mine, calming me and whispering in my ear  "Baby, it's ok, I'm here, you're Ok, I got this, I will take care of you".
My hand slowly lowers off the holster and into yours...
#mycameraguy

Percentages

Everyone has someone in their life that they can confide in, they can share everything with without fear or judgment.  I have you.  

Friend, best friend, confidant, therapist, unconditional love and understanding.

You have a way about you that calms me, sees me, never looks through me, understands and has compassion for my feelings.

I never understand what it is and I never question it, it just comes so naturally, second nature.  You are the person I always run to, one reason is I know you'll never let me fall, you have always been there to catch me, so trust is beyond any words.

My head, the running, bad decisions, bad choices, but through all the madness I always have you. 

Million dollar question...Why are we not together?!

Funny everyone asks...

3% of a 1%er is really not any percentage to make a relationship work.  Time is critical to a relationship, to come home to someone, or to share things after a day of work, to have a weekend or a day to take off and not care about the world, it just stops, it's just the two of us.  We could never get that time of time, so what we have works best for us, we are the best of friends and we will always be there for each other no matter the time.

I look at how I  react to things with others, I look at how I  feel in situations that arise and it's so very different. There's a stress, a jealousy, an uncertainty, a doubt of trust, a broken vow just going in, it's an unfairness at the start, but I don't see that until it starts to destroy what I'm making, what I have.  How is it different?! How can I go in without a clean slate?!  I'm destroyed out of the gate.

Why can't it be what I have with you?!

I don't know...

I don't know...

I wish it was...

I wish everyone had a fighting chance...

Compared to you they don't.

I hold you on such a high pedestal I don't think anyone is capable of reaching.  You and all your glory.   

Something has to change...

Something has to give...

What will be the breaking point of me letting someone else love me as much and as strong as you do?  What?! When?! Who?!

You have trained me so well to be so independent, so diverse, so strong, with you, with myself, but not with others.

When will I be able to shine for someone as bright as I shine for you?

What will it take for someone to see me the way you see me?

Who will be strong enough to love me with their all?

You have put me on a pedestal so high I am untouchable to the normal world, I should feel honored, but sometimes I feel it to be a curse.

I know there is only the best of the best and you are cutting them down one by one, only the strongest survive.  Who will be enough to hold me, in any damaged, broken, falling state?

I know the day will come when you will no longer be able to carry my weight with you, and I can only hope that the one who can will be able to be beyond your expectations and will catch me.

#rideordie #friendsfolife #harleynme

Taking Chances

Does something come along and all you've ever wanted presents itself?
You hold back, you hesitate, you're guarded, your uncertainty makes you step further back.  You close your eyes, you hold your breath, you freeze, this couldn't be real.
All I've wanted, all I've looked for, all my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies, having it all.  Could I?...
Is that such a thing, having all I've wanted?
Only one thing to do is to take a chance.  Do I open up, do I let you in, do I take a chance?
Hurtful relationships have left me broken, torn, untrusting.  Broken promises over and over, I've heard them all, they have scared my heart and head.  Who am I and what others have wanted has left me unsure about what kind of perfect is wanted.
I am ONLY Me.
That should always be enough, there's a part of me that feels like that with you, but I still stay guarded.  With you, it's everything that scares me, you make me feel, you let me be me and reassure me that's more then enough.  To you I am perfectly imperfect.
I am beautiful, understanding and loving.
The world I imagine with you is everything I could ever want, it scares me to feel that way.  To let my guard down, to give you me, all of me, heart, body and soul.  will you protect all of it?  Is your world real?  Could love me forever?
If I take a chance...
Will you note let me fall?  Will you catch me?
To love you is a chance I'm willing to take.  Please don't break me, the recovery from you would be devastating.  Just take a chance with me.

Work

It's a key word it makes or breaks who we are.  It's something you have to put in all the time in every aspect of your life.  Professional, personal, health, emotional, physical, you name it if you don't or can't you fail.
Are you a quitter?...
Do you just throw your hands up? -OR- Do YOU Fight?!
First and foremost fight for yourself, YOU are worth it!
Work...if you put in the work you will get the satisfaction, the result, achieving the goal you set out for.  Don't let expectation run your direction, go get it, achieve it, work for it, nothing comes easy, feel accomplished.  Feel and don't ever give up.
If the end result isn't exactly what you were expecting, your hard will would have taught you something you may have not known about yourself.
Fear, strength, patience, understanding, love.
Maybe you were taught to love yourself, to give you, YOU.
Maybe you overcame a fear, loneliness, abandonment, commitment.
Maybe you were taught to listen, not just hear words.
Maybe you learned to look within, instead of projecting outward, to take a step back and breath. One, Two, Three...
Whatever it is or was, you worked and that's where it all begins.  You have to put in  in order to get something out.
It's never to late to make the best version of you that you can.

Playing a Game of Hearts...Mine

Soooooo as much as I preach about protecting your heart, shield it, don't let down the guard on your heart til it's a for sure thing. I did not practice what I preached!
I have only myself to be pissed at.  I know better.
So the game of hearts you decided to play was with me, I have played this game several times and have lost, convinced that I now could play this hand and keep my cards close to me until I was ready to show them - I made the brutal mistake of showing my hand the very first round. All hearts.
Fuck!
What happened, you took them, used them in your hand and cleaned the table, and disappeared.  - Fuck!
I know this game, sooooo well.  I know how to play it, I've lost to it before, WTF?!
WTF?! Happened!!!
I got so wrapped up in the moment of hopefulness, of finding what I have missed, the void that could be filled.  The sweet words, the feelings that were shared, the same road, the chemistry, the attraction... Was all of it that much of a lie?!
Did I get played that well?!
What happened?!
Days of shared thoughts, feelings, wants...
Then it all just disappeared...
Just like that it just vanished, I didn't even have time to blink, you were just gone...
All my cards in your hand...My heart crushed...
I should know better...I was told to be better, I KNOW to be better, but you weakened me, I let you and I  have no one to blame for that except me.  I gave you the power to hold my heart and crush it. 
I need to be more careful with such a delicate part of me..
Next time...I will hold my cards close and I will not play my hearts until you truly deserve and can prove that you will not walk away from the table.

Needing to Believe...given the push

As I step out into a place I'm not used to being, an unknown feeling comes over me.  I'm walking into a space that feels strange, exciting and alone all the same time.  I don't know how to embrace it or if I should turn and run.  Some embrace this space, I've never been in this space long enough to ever embrace it, it usually scares me so much that instead of facing my fear I turn and latch onto something and get out.  What I latch on to doesn't matter at the time, good, bad, toxic, it's just there and I take hold so I don't have to face the fear that I believe is waiting for me.
This time is different...
This time I'm told to stay, I'm told to face it head on, I'm told be to strong, I'm told to find myself in this fear.  I'm told I need to stay in order to really be free. I'm told I won't be alone, he will stay with me and hold my hand.  He will help me get through it, he will be there like he always has in this space or out of it.
But for now he tells me in order to move forward, I have to face what I've never given myself a chance to.  He knows me more then I know myself, he has confidence in me, in who I am.  He reminds me how strong, independent, and beautiful I am.
He believes in me, even when I doubt myself, he knows how strong I am , that's what he loves about me.  I can do this.
I need to look deep, grab hold of who I am, and face this.  I know I can.
The unknown is a scary place but only when you let your fears conquer your strength.  Dig deep, hold tight and believe.  I can do this.
Sometimes the reminder he gives, the way he believes in me and the push he has calls to my strength and reminds me I'm better then anything I ever thought and that I can do anything.
I can do me.  I can do this.
I'm the best version of myself that I've ever been.  I can be alone with myself and be great.  It may be a small journey until I conquer the fear but I know can, he tells me I will.  He believes and makes sure I do.  Because I don't know what I'd do without his friendship or him in my life, his push, his pick me up, his words, his honesty, his bluntness.  He is true, he is real and he will always be there, no matter the person, the relationship, the situation, no matter what life brings me.  He's there...to hold me up.
#harley&me #friendsfolife #rideordie

Harley...and Me

When my head starts spiraling and it takes over all my other emotions, I find that I need a distraction in order to get back to center and find myself.  Somehow you know how to pull me back up and get me right. Odd that what we have can always pull me back to center, giving me that little push that I need.  The way you are, the person you are, the way you see me, let's me see who I am and sometimes I need that reminder.  Thank you.

I sit and listen to my thoughts, my head going round and round in circles, a cycle I can't seem to shut off, yet one call from you, your voice, soothing and real, stops my head from spinning, stops my thoughts from being out of control and a sudden smooth and relax comes over me. What is it? 

A small pocket of time we shared, yet it seems like that pocket of time was a lifetime that we have known each other and we fall right back into place like it was yesterday, understanding life, appreciating.

What is it that you have? The small time we've known each other, yet no time passes between us and I fall right back into smiling, laughing and being at ease.  What is it?

The causal way we are, the relaxing feel of myself being around you, the honestly, the open air, the brutal truth of life, all of these can be shared with you openly, no judgment, no criticism, no shame.  Just Us... I can't think of a time that I feel more comfortable or myself. How do YOU do it? yet I can't do it myself!

You know how to make me laugh, make me smile, how to make my day, without doing anything but being you, joking, always giving me the best conversations and texts. You make me free.  You bring out the adventure, the excitement and all the good feelings that I remember having with you.
It's like living a different life, the one that I miss having, the girl I miss being...

I don't know how to repay you for what you do for me, the gratitude I have inside, how thankful I am to have you in my life.  All I can do is soak in the happiness you give me, cherish every moment we make and look at you with admiration and adore you for how you make me look inside myself and make me feel so ALIVE!  

That's what My Harley is all about -
Giving you that push you need and smacking you in the ass and saying Girl you got it - go get it, be you and don't let anyone fuck with your head, you're better then that!

Now get on the bike and let's ride!
#harley&me #freindsfolife #rideordie