Curse or Life

Curse or Just Plain Life...

I was talking to a friend the other day and am convinced that my life was cursed at birth by the Fates, those evil b*tches have a sick sense of humor.
I wasn't graced by Eratones with such great happiness, instead I think Achlys lurked in my shadows and said I'll take you under my wing. Aphrodite and Eros over shot my luck and at times I feel I was blessed more by the goddess Artemis always ready for the hunt.  I definitely have a part of Hera that will always be my strong point.  No matter what, I know for a fact that the Furies have always been at my side, for better or worse.  They are there for the long term. Alecto lives inside me to the fullest, Megaera only gets a hold of me when I've finally had enough and let's the grudging begin.  But Tisiphone, she never lets me down, in the end - I know I can't control wanting to avenge it all. How most times I feel Psyche is the best thing I'll ever have, since it seems the most fitting how most times I feel my soul is disappearing or being crushed.
Maybe it's just life...in all it's crazy delusional, dysfunctional ways.
As for me I'm blaming the Curse of the Gods how this is turning out.

I look and just want to see the bigger picture, sometimes that vision gets clouded when the fog will not lift or the mountain I'm at the bottom of keeps getting higher.  When will "One Day" finally be here?!?! I've waited for it for a long time now, just waiting and wondering if it will arrive in the life time.

Realizing

Realizing...

I don’t know how it happens, well that’s a lie, I do I let you in.

I can piss, complain, whine, talk sh*t and make everything that we once had sound like you were a total d*ck, but in the end it’s my cover.  The reality is I accept you, I don’t try and change you, I don’t want to even give you a hard time.  You are who you are and you have been from the start, you’ve never hidden that.  I guess the reality is you actually make me realize who I really am.

In the beginning giving you my heart was probably my fatal mistake, but it was something I never regretted giving you.  I know at 24 you were not versed in playing the game, and playing a master was a fatal move, but you took it in stride.  The hurt that was caused to me was my own fault I should have known what I was playing with, but old habits die hard.  I let my guard down, I believed in empty promises, but the one thing, the one thing that you had above all else was the hold on my heart.  You see, my heart knows intentions, good or bad it feels them and you, you had good intentions, just f*cked up ways for delivery.  I fell and I fell hard, I believed and I let my guard down, but THAT – that was all me, I can’t blame you for what I did.  I’ve always said I can’t get mad at the truth I can only be disappointed in the lies.

Somehow your imperfections hit to close to home and I realized you actually bring out the real me.  Like it or not I have to face the fact that my flaws cause the “not good enough” effect.  Are we one in the same?  Is this why I can easily accept you?  Do I look at you and see myself? Sometimes I think the answer is yes.

I get so tired of being judged, being told how to feel, or how not to feel, what I should let go of and what is good for me.  Can’t I just be me without the load of being what everyone else wants.  Somehow I feel deep inside that’s where we are the same, always trying to be what everyone else wants and not ever being who we really are. 

You told me, you get tired of never being able to tell the truth, but your heart has the right intentions, you respond to what you think everyone wants to hear.  I do hear you. I respect that of you.

When I’m with you, you bring you the me that wants to live, you make me strong, you make me feel alive and you make me see just how important I am.  It’s like the feeling of being able to conquer one’s self, having the confidence to keep going when sometimes I’ve only felt like giving up.  Oh wait, those giving up moments you were there and you fought to keep me going, you made me fight to keep going and you got SO mad when I didn’t want to.  You shook me and told me I didn’t have a f*cking choice, because it wasn’t going down like that, you insisted I fight and for you I did.  We’ve had this crazy, insane, nothing like it in the world bond…Somehow it ties us and keeps us both going in a strange way.  You make me believe in me again and you know I accept your flaws and still find you perfect.

Sometimes we need that.

The reality is you make me find myself, you make me feel like I actually mean something and that if taking on the world is what I want, you’ll be there and have my back.

Finding me again is what I’ve needed in order to go forward, so if I never let go of you means always having the real me – it’s a gamble I’m willing to take, because the reality is – You make me come alive and actually not want to give up.  
9/2013

And it's been awhile...

And it's been awhile...

 During an absence there's so many things that happen and you think, why wasn't I writing, why wasn't I jotting things down, why was I always talking to myself instead of paper?

We never know, it's life and just like life, it happens.

We go so fast that we don't realize until the traffic slows that there was so much going on and we couldn't take notice of it all.  In the blur that we run through, the fog thickens, the time speeds up and we never see the door we're running into or the window we're jumping out of.

Life...it's a tricky bastard!

It lives with Love who's a mother flower and Mother Nature who's a bitch, what a wonderful family tree.  Maybe there's a reason why I always wanted to be immortal - so I could beat them all at their own sick games.

During the fog I was running in and the time I lost, I lost something very dear to me.  Bringing up kids is hard, bringing up their friends is just as complicated.  They grow to be a part of your family, an outstretched version of you that they acquire.  They become loved and it's something you never lose the older they get and their younger years with you is something they always remember.  Impressions, they do make a difference bad or good.

Watching someone you've helped raise fight for their life and slip into a coma is a far cry from the "norm", in an instant you're whole life is turned upside down, your heart is broken and it feels like a piece of your soul is being ripped out.  You walk in a daze, there's no longer a breath you take or a beat in your heart, there's no sleep, there's no appetite and just when you think you can grab a bottle and make ALL this go away - you realize "Shit! I'm so fucking depressed I can't even Drink myself Away!" Because there's a fear inside you and a hope that backs it up that you'll get the call that says "He woke up" and how the hell will you drive yourself to the hospital in this drunk slumber without ending your own life?!

You are actually Zombie-fied without the brain eating.  I really don't know for 3 weeks how I was able to work, how I got from place to place, how I managed to not fall into pieces on the outside, I do know how I lost 18 lbs. and how I was slapped into reality of "perspective".

When all of a sudden your life --- Stops because of someone else's life being jeopardized, someone you care for so deeply, someone who has made you smile when you've had eyes full of tears, someone who sang you "Three Little Birds" the day you came home from finding out you had thyroid cancer - Someone...that warms your heart, that you've watch grow from a 12 year old little boy to a 24 year old young guy, someone you just can not part with, it's that time when you look at your life and say - "F*ck It, nothing I have is worth worrying about." Perspective - when all the little bullshit you can think to fight over, no longer matters.  When all the guilt, stress and jealousy that you think you hold, flies right out the damn window.  When all that really matters lays in a bed helpless right in front of you, that's when your life gets put into perspective, when some you love can no longer have the littlest thing like being jealous, stressing about a deadline, arguing with the person they love the most or laying blame.  Perspective she's the kind hearted bitch that puts shit in order and makes you Wake the F*ck up from pity, self hate and aggravation.  She's the one you love to hate, she's the wake up call when you think things are hard and she's the one that will make you take a real hard look as to what's really important in your life...

I figured it was time to let go of something, maybe a part of me left that day, a small piece of the baggage I carried or just some extra deep seeded emotion it was something as those three weeks dragged on.  

I waited for the day that would come and his eyes would open and it did.  It will not be the same and there's a very long road ahead, but knowing he's alive and he remembers me will forever be the joy in my heart.  I may not get the same young man I helped raise back, I may only get a portion, but I just keep hope and know that no matter what exactly I get, I'm getting him and I'd rather spend the rest of my life reliving moments we had to spark memories then to not have anything at all.  Sometimes what matters most is learning that no matter what we think we're going through may seem like the end of our world, that in someone else's world it may actual be.

Keep faith, hope and your hearts always open, you never know when you're going to need to throw everything out the window in order to save someone else.

My Moppet - I will forever Love you and I will forever keep bringing you memories of long ago so we may eventually relive them one day together.  Keep fighting, we're all fighting this fight right along side with you.