Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Untitled Me...

There's so many thoughts, cares, decisions and passing moments that go through me daily, hourly, every minute.  They can take a moment or they can corrupt, but they are at times not different then my own worries or concerns.  I take a look at the past, some I tend to block out, I don't want to remember, others I file away they will come to make me happy or haunt me later.  I don't know why it's so hard to let go, it's just me.  Maybe for some of it I'm not ready to move on, let go of or forget.  
It's like my book doesn't have a title, just chapters out of order and some with blank pages.  At times it seems my chapter isn't really closed, it's like it's left with a question mark at the end of the last page.  I don't like those chapters, the unfinished, the unknowing, the ones that are left for something more to happen to.  I'm happier and more content with a chapter ending with a finalization, and exclamation point, a period, end of discussion.  Those are the chapters that will forever be closed, the ones I can file away and be happy with the outcome.  But isn't that what our life holds, sometimes the uncertainty, of what will come back, what is lost forever and what we still need and hold on to?
For me I've come to the point where my book (my life) doesn't have a title, it's lost and out of order chapters are what moves me to want better for myself, my head, my heart and my soul.  My book may be a mess, much like the author, but it's truth, it's real and it's raw. Maybe you'll read and try to understand, maybe you'll  page through and not care, but for me it's who I am, what I'm made of and how I've come to be.  Like anyone else, no one can  truly understand my mind, but with love and acceptance and just a little compassion you can appreciate what I've gone through and be there to be a steady hand, maybe that's all I need after all.  True sometimes I'm a mess, beside myself, on the edge and ready to give in, but all it takes are a few words spoken from a heart that really cares...
I'm here, lean on me, let me help you and I Love You no matter what.
Isn't that all we ever want to hear in that darkest hour, is that there's real love to pull us through just about anything.  So I'm here and I just want a solid place to be, a safe place, a place where all that matters is getting to tomorrow -- together.  

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Mirror of You

I can't imagine how hard it is to see him when you look at yourself.  I can't even begin to imagine living with that for the rest of your life.  A blessing or a curse.
The loss you feel is unbearable, a hole in your heart and soul, a great piece missing from you.  No one will ever understand the absence you feel when the other side is not there to finish a thought, sentence or question.  There's a void, one that will no longer be replaced or given back.  The piece of him that we miss can never measure up to the piece you are missing, and I'm truly sorry for that.  Life is so short and in this case shorter then most, 17 years and for what? It's a missing answer and in our minds why he was taken so young seems so petty.
Looking at you is the mirrored imagine of him, I want to smile because I still have so much of a part of him here, through you, and I want to cry because I will never have his actual presence in front of me again.  I'm torn between laughter and tears, but I will not show you, you have to much to remember and that memory will forever be with you in that mirror.
I want to give you peace, but it's so hard when I haven't found peace for myself.  I miss him too.  All I can say to you is this: Live, "LIVE" for both of you, Live the life he won't be able to, do the things you both talked about, make his dreams and future come true, through You.  YOU can do it, I believe in you.
I don't believe when we die we just leave, I believe that when we die, our pain goes away, we are finely free and we keep living through the ones that loved us.  That's me, but because of encounters I've had along the way with the passings of loved one, I feel when we need them most, somehow in someway they are there, little signs even an apperance, they are there.
Look in the mirror and smile - he will smile back at you and you'll know you're twin is never far away. I love you both very dearly.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Hope...

So there's good days and bad.
On my good days, my mind is quiet, I'm relaxed, I can be alone and I'm actually "O-K".  On my bad days, the screaming from the one that lives in my head doesn't stop, my imagination can run crazy wild - writing chapters in a book that doesn't even exist and I'm a great big mess (not in a cute country or hot mess way).
But I've come to realize there's...Hope.
That one simple thing, so small, sometimes not relied on, but it's there, hope.  I can feel so down, get so depressed I can sleep days away, yes days not just a day as in 24 hours, but days.  I can actually cut myself down to nothing, me, alone, I can do more damage to myself then anyone on the outside of my own skin.  At the bottom of that dark ride, there's a tiny light, sometimes so dim we don't even notice it, I know I don't, and it's just shinning, waiting for you to come up for air.  Hope.
And I'm slowly learning as my mind and days progress that I'm "In Hopes" that tomorrow will be better, I will find all my strength and I will pull from it and make it easier, for me.  It's not that big a deal, right?!?! To some, No it's not, but for me, it may be the challenge of a lifetime at that specific moment, so I turn to hope.  I make myself see the light, go to it and breath, one deep breath at a time and my mind relaxes and I find that little bit of hope, to know it's not that bad, it will be ok and I need it to start here, inside me.
Today, if I get pulled down I'll find what I need, the tools in my heart, not my mind to pull me back to the love I know it'll turn out the way it's meant to be. 
After all that's all we really can do, when we've given our all, we just put it out there and...Hope for the best.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Nothing Lasts Forever...

Everything must go...
Blown away in the wind...
Wither and wilt...
Everything dies...
Sad and as lonely as that may sound, it's very, very true.
I tend to stay in a world of my own thinking that it always looks like blooming roses, smiles on the faces of the people I love and I push down the loss so I don't feel the full effect.
Don't we all tend to hide behind a mask at some time?  To feel something that really isn't that real?  To make believe there's hope?  I do.
Then at times that reality check comes in and kicks me in the face, lays me out on the concrete and sits on my chest til I can no longer breath and makes me see what's gone.  It's those times that become hard to face, to much to get a grip on, but it's those times that are real and I'm pushed to the limit of having to see them.
Just like anything on this place we call earth, nothing lasts forever, not even us.  There's a saying "All good things must come to an end", all bad things too, everyone, everything, everywhere, it all ends.  Leaves that pit in our stomachs of when will our time come?  Soon or not soon enough.  Time is what we make of it, the good, the bad and everything in between. I will forever love you (at least while I'm still here) it's so easy to say but not always easy to do.  There's more hate and judgement in one's heart, more insecurities and imperfections then the love we should show to ourselves.  It starts here, with me.  So worried about everything that surrounds my world rather then the world that lives inside me, and reality comes and faces me with the truth and reminder that "Nothing LASTS Forever!" 
It's like a rose, it starts out small, the petals closed tight to the world it grows in, then it starts to bloom where it opens up wide for all to see it's beauty, the aroma, the softness, still protected by it's thorns should any uninvited approach.  
Then, like everything, it's petals start to fall, it starts to die, the wind catches them and blows them into the air, to me it resembles, nothing lasts forever, but you will still be around me.  Everything gets blown into the wind.  Symbols seem to have more effect then words, there's a meaning, there's love and there's a bond, a memory that was created and captured and only to you does it represent something true.
Petals and leaves blown in the wind...but to this very day you will forever be in my heart.  A flower bush planted in the yard, since the day you bought that house, a set of long horns, acorns and squirrels, the smell of fresh bread and a leaf or petal of blue. 
True meaning of reality lost but only known to the one that holds them deepest in their own heart...
Me. 
Truly missed, deeply loved and most all never forgotten.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Hell in a Handbag

Sometimes I go to hell in a handbag.  No thinking, no looking over the shoulder, no wondering and definitely no guilt.  There's a deep dark power that just invades and sends me there, without warning, to a forbidden place and believe me it's no paradise. But I'm seldom ever guilty for going there, as hard to swallow as it may be, it's the only peaceful place I know. 
I try to encounter and face my fears, yet they engulf me and make me think they are so much more appealing then they really are.  I look for an out and that hole opens up right away calling at me to just jump in, the end of life. Yes ticket for one!  It's an easy, breezy type of way, you just soar on out, leave everything behind, don't look back, just ...go.
When I decide to ride on those wings, dark horses, lightening bolts, whatever we may call them, I sleep a deep dark sleep.  It's the kind of breath taking sleep that is seducing, alluring and the never want to end kind of sleep. Peaceful.  Then I wake up and realize I'm no longer at peace but hell in a handbag, the realization of heartache, pain, sadness and loss.  When you've mended yourself together so many times, after awhile the tape doesn't stick, the glue is dried out and the stitching is so torn, you have to say "what else is there?"  I find my handbag out of supplies at times, and in those times it's when I want peace, I want to fall into that hole, close my eyes and just find the end.
The loss is what gets me there most often, even through new arrivals, fun moments, happy smiles, that loss can erase everything.  It's the knowing and facing the fact that it's the one thing we never get back.  So when death rides through to capture and take the ones I hold so close, it leaves an invitation for me as well and it's not the easiest invite to turn down. 
I have to consistently remember I have my handbag and though it takes me places most people would never dream of being, it's my only escape with still living.  It's my hell, my demons, my broken-ness, my every loss, abandonment, heartbreak and memory.  It's what keeps me still here even though at times I feel I'm only inching, I haven't fallen that deep to not be able to climb back out.  Most people fear the dark, un-assuring black hole, but for me it's my peace, even though it suffocates me, it's the one place I can go to feel close to my losses.  Letting go is not my specialty, I'm usually the denial and accept later type.  Is that why my handbag is so special? Tattered, torn, riped almost to shreds but still has a couple strings here and there to hold it together, much like myself.  A couple, it's more then none. 
I can't understand these dark demons, places and thoughts, I don't try to, I've accepted them as part of me.  I feel one day I'll just scream and they'll all come out, to fill the sky with nothing but huge creations of dark clouds and I'll be breathless.  Is that the last breath I'll take before unleashing what breaks me the most?
Some days the loss is greater, it can feel more like it just happened, crushing my soul.  Other days it seems like it's a kite on a string, I can still have control of having them here, but watching them soar high above in pure majestic beauty.  I need thread.
My dark horses are beautiful, but I'm not ready to ride.
The wings are comforting, but I can't seem to stay on.
The lightening bolt ignites me, but I can't control the fire.
My Hell in a Handbag...I just need some thread.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Everything Starts at the Beginning

It seems stumbling is what I do best.
Everytime I think I have it under control, something erupts and I'm back at the beginning again. It's Hard.
So as I got help and had a hand to hold, I realized stepping back, rethinking and using a phrase to help keep grounded,  is like having a pause button rather then a rewind.
I learned to look inside and smile, to say it and not have to take it back. To let you speak and learn how to listen, trust and be aware of who I am and how I get.  I went inside my head to calm and quiet the voice that so often haunts me and causes chaos and havoc to explode another chapter that hasn't yet been created.  I'm tryin...and that's all that can be asked of right now.
But the beginning, it is a nice place to start.
Sometimes life gives you a "do-Over" at least that's what I believe, an opportunity to make things right: with another, with an event or with ourselves.  When you find the right time, ask for the right thing and have the right tools, all of a sudden life gives you an important moment to let you look from the outside in and let you decide "Do you want this chance? Can you make this right? Do you want to try it again, this time with your all?"  I say Yes! If you believe in something real, truly real, beyond your dreams - say Yes! Take it and give it your all and this time realize with love and acceptance, things may not change but they can be better, because YOU want them to be.  Life gives you ups and downs, the rest is just what you make of it. 
Everything starts at the beginning, and with a beginning there's always an end.  I'd rather use the pause button and keep going before I run out of time, because nothing is guaranteed forever it's just 'for now', relish it.  I've been stopping to think lately at all the events that have taken place in my life in just a matter of weeks, not even counting the last couple of years.  Life is fast and life is for some very short, I don't want to have "should'a, could'a, would'a", I don't want to cry with the "I wish I had done things different, I wish you were still here, I was still here".  So I look at the clock before me and all of a sudden that 'little voice' (the ruler of my domain) is for once...
Silent. 
She finally has nothing, because fear quiets our hearts, minds and thoughts.  Fear, of leaving, of being left, of losing , or being lost never to be found,  fear erases happiness and leaves us with a hole so deep we can fall forever and drown in our own sorrow and tears,  fear the one feeling that can have control over our whole being and it suffocates and never lets go.  Fear, the reason the quiet happens and a time that you can choose to go on. 
I know we can't have yesterday, two weeks, eighteen or even twenty six years back, we can only have right now and hopefully tomorrow. 
Everything starts at the beginning and for once this beginning seems promising, there may be a few pause buttons to be used, but over all maybe this, this right here is my 'do-Over', and if it is I'll take it and say "YES!"