Friday, November 23, 2018

Only You

When I stand alone facing my life, I realize I want so much for you to be a part of it. 
I know the circumstances, the life, the time and yet I would still want to be with you, only you...
The texts, the calls, and the time we are able to spend together mean more then the world. I appreciate you and all you give to me.
My world is definitely better with you in it, my life seems more complete once you walked in, my heart is content and my mind is quiet. For once...only you...
If life would permit, could we...could We be a "WE"?
I no longer see myself with anyone else, I see only me with only you.
A lifetime from now...tears cried, a heart broken and a torn soul, only you know how to repair the way of me. Only you...
I don't want to go my lifetime without you, I only want to go with you, only you.
Every place, every song, every drink, every walk, movement and feeling of your body next to me, on me, moving with me, in sync with each other. You know how to move me, how to be with me, what I want, how to give and the exploring of each other is always amazing every single time.  Only you...
I can't imagine my life in an emptiness of you, I will always be by your side, I will always give you my all and I will always want my lifetimes with you, only you.
#rideordie #harleynme #friendsfolife 

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Always By My Side

No matter the time or distance you are always there. I thank you for that and I am eternally grateful, blessed and beyond words for your loyalty, dedication and friendship.  You try beyond words to give more then you have to make sure I am happy, content, safe and loved.  No words...
Through thick and thin, bad and good you have been there.  Sometimes to pat me on the back, sometimes to pick me up, sometimes to hold me up, sometimes to cheer me on, no matter the situation you are always in my corner.
YOU are a milestone in my life, I hope you know that.
You are the completion of who I am (broken and flawed) and put me together, you have a hand in making sure I come out on top.  Some would not realize what it takes to be that person that is the upside to someone else.  When you have had the life I have, sometimes there's some points that take you down, a relationship, a memory, a bad experience, trust...the list goes on.  But then you have someone that is the ying to your yang and things just fall into place, they are the calming waters to your insanity, they have an understanding and they know you, really KNOW you.  They come in and sooth the storm that erupts, you don't even realize it until you can breath again.
You...the whisperer...
So thankful for everything you give.  It's so much more then you have and I realize what it takes and you still make it happen.
I honestly don't know what I would do without you, I'd be lost, devastated and incomplete...
I will not complete this lifetime with out you...
#rideordie #harleynme #friendsfolife

Monday, October 22, 2018

Imperfections, Insecurities, Implications

Do you ever find yourself at a crossroads? 
Yesterday was great, you were strong, independent, a beast to be reckoned with, perfect in your flawed ways, no shits to give, you were your all. 
Then today came...
And it broke you.  In all your glory, your high, it came like a torturous storm in the night and you became weak.  How did this happen, how did you let it happen?
You gave your power to someone else...You handed over a heavy heart looking for protection, but the protection you were looking for wasn't strong enough to handle your imperfections and insecurities.  You should know better!
Handing over a heavy heart, damaged, broken and torn can only be handed to someone that is strong enough and knows how to heal, is patient, kind, un judging, and has unconditional love to stand by your side no matter the consequences.
I know that now.  I've learned the hard way.  I've now seen the implications of handing over something that is treasured so dearly to me.  Not again.
There are not many people that you can show your true self to, you have to make sure they can handle seeing you in your naked, raw and emotional state.  It's not the pretty beauty that they see first site, you have to make sure they are ready to calm the storm, to be by your side and walk through it with you with whatever it is you show, give and are.
It takes a great hand to hold you, to pick you up and to stay.
Not everyone is ready to see imperfections and insecurities, though most of us have them in us, but when you can accept someone else's, make sure they are strong enough to accept yours.
Don't be broken, don't let someone have the power to weaken you. 
Take back YOU!  There is always someone there who no matter what will be by your side, they push you to your strength, they help you regain your power and they see you for who you always are.  YOU!
Be the best version of you for You, because you can, YOU have the power.
#harleynme #friendsfolife #rideordie

Monday, October 15, 2018

Jumping the Gun

I'm a gun slinger, I admit it. I'm the first one to draw, hand on the holster ready to fire, guns a blazing - at what... Who cares.  Fast draw McGraw!
The aftermath is what kills me.  Doom is my fate.
Does your hand always have to be on the holster? Can't it just rest by your side? Can't it just have a moment to look around and assess the situation?  Why does there always have to be the shoot out, the blood shed?
Story of my life.
In the beginning it was not like this, it was patient and kind and every word was valued and taken, then the lies started and the wall was built, the holster was tightened and the guns were ready.  Meet me at noon outside the town square, I was ready and I wasn't going to miss.
The past --- was made.  Held on to for reference, and the replay button began to continue all my life.  Not wrong, it happened through bad decisions and the guns were always ready, every chamber always filled, there was no Russian Roulette here.
I made sure I was able to make every shot, I would not be wrong again.
Over time this became life, to survive love without losing myself, and being able to hold on to my soul.  But I was still broken.
When you hold the you concentrate on aim or do you just aimlessly fire?
I admit, I aimlessly fire.  I take full blame.
I hear and assume and reach into my holster, draw and fire.  Simple...for me.
I've never had anyone dodge my bullet, be shot, get back up and start to walk toward me, THIS is new.  THIS is NOT how this happens.
But then again, I'm always jumping the gun so why am I surprised when my speculation is totally off and I come to find out there were no bullets in my gun after all, they were blanks.  You came to me with a full heart.
No lies, no facetious ways, no deception, no under minding, just you, an honest and loyal you.  You asked me to believe in you, to trust you and to realize that love was such a thing, you asked me to take a chance and to believe.
What?!  What am I hearing?!
And then you showed me...
You showed me a world I am not used to living in and you told me to put the guns down, not in the holster, down, down on the ground and kick them forward.
I'm hesitant...
You've come behind me, put your arms around my waist, placed your hand over mine as my hand is on the gun, finger on the trigger and you've whispered in my ear "Baby, it's OK, I'm not going to hurt you, I Love You and I Want YOU."
I hesitate with the holster, still not ready to unbuckle, but you patiently wait and tell me you will be there to help me as long as I'm willing and ready to put the guns on the floor and kick them over, you will put them in safe keeping, for I should never need to use them with you.  You have guns of your own and you will use them to protect us, our love and what we are building - that's the only time the guns will be needed.
Not against each other, not in this circle ---
I hesitate as my finger slowly releases from the trigger, still palm on handle ready to jump the gun...
but this time...I look at you and somehow everything slows.
I need to breath, take a step back, look at my aim and realize the consequences.
I don't want to lose this, YOU! what we are trying to build.
I want this...
Hand steady...I look at you and you come around and hold me, always reminding me it's ok to let go, your hand always over mine, calming me and whispering in my ear  "Baby, it's ok, I'm here, you're Ok, I got this, I will take care of you".
My hand slowly lowers off the holster and into yours...

Sunday, October 14, 2018


Everyone has someone in their life that they can confide in, they can share everything with without fear or judgment.  I have you.  
Friend, best friend, confidant, therapist, unconditional love and understanding.
You have a way about you that calms me, sees me, never looks through me, understands and has compassion for my feelings.
I never understand what it is and I never question it, it just comes so naturally, second nature.  You are the person I always run to, one reason is I know you'll never let me fall, you have always been there to catch me, so trust is beyond any words.
My head, the running, bad decisions, bad choices, but through all the madness I always have you. 
Million dollar question...Why are we not together?!
Funny everyone asks...
3% of a 1%er is really not any percentage to make a relationship work.  Time is critical to a relationship, to come home to someone, or to share things after a day of work, to have a weekend or a day to take off and not care about the world, it just stops, it's just the two of us.  We could never get that time of time, so what we have works best for us, we are the best of friends and we will always be there for each other no matter the time.
I look at how I  react to things with others, I look at how I  feel in situations that arise and it's so very different. There's a stress, a jealousy, an uncertainty, a doubt of trust, a broken vow just going in, it's an unfairness at the start, but I don't see that until it starts to destroy what I'm making, what I have.  How is it different?! How can I go in without a clean slate?!  I'm destroyed out of the gate.
Why can't it be what I have with you?!
I don't know...
I don't know...
I wish it was...
I wish everyone had a fighting chance...
Compared to you they don't.
I hold you on such a high pedestal I don't think anyone is capable of reaching.  You and all your glory.   
Something has to change...
Something has to give...
What will be the breaking point of me letting someone else love me as much and as strong as you do?  What?! When?! Who?!
You have trained me so well to be so independent, so diverse, so strong, with you, with myself, but not with others.
When will I be able to shine for someone as bright as I shine for you?
What will it take for someone to see me the way you see me?
Who will be strong enough to love me with their all?
You have put me on a pedestal so high I am untouchable to the normal world, I should feel honored, but sometimes I feel it to be a curse.
I know there is only the best of the best and you are cutting them down one by one, only the strongest survive.  Who will be enough to hold me, in any damaged, broken, falling state?
I know the day will come when you will no longer be able to carry my weight with you, and I can only hope that the one who can will be able to be beyond your expectations and will catch me.
#rideordie #friendsfolife #harleynme

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Taking Chances

Does something come along and all you've ever wanted presents itself?
You hold back, you hesitate, you're guarded, your uncertainty makes you step further back.  You close your eyes, you hold your breath, you freeze, this couldn't be real.
All I've wanted, all I've looked for, all my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies, having it all.  Could I?...
Is that such a thing, having all I've wanted?
Only one thing to do is to take a chance.  Do I open up, do I let you in, do I take a chance?
Hurtful relationships have left me broken, torn, untrusting.  Broken promises over and over, I've heard them all, they have scared my heart and head.  Who am I and what others have wanted has left me unsure about what kind of perfect is wanted.
I am ONLY Me.
That should always be enough, there's a part of me that feels like that with you, but I still stay guarded.  With you, it's everything that scares me, you make me feel, you let me be me and reassure me that's more then enough.  To you I am perfectly imperfect.
I am beautiful, understanding and loving.
The world I imagine with you is everything I could ever want, it scares me to feel that way.  To let my guard down, to give you me, all of me, heart, body and soul.  will you protect all of it?  Is your world real?  Could love me forever?
If I take a chance...
Will you note let me fall?  Will you catch me?
To love you is a chance I'm willing to take.  Please don't break me, the recovery from you would be devastating.  Just take a chance with me.


It's a key word it makes or breaks who we are.  It's something you have to put in all the time in every aspect of your life.  Professional, personal, health, emotional, physical, you name it if you don't or can't you fail.
Are you a quitter?...
Do you just throw your hands up? -OR- Do YOU Fight?!
First and foremost fight for yourself, YOU are worth it!
Work...if you put in the work you will get the satisfaction, the result, achieving the goal you set out for.  Don't let expectation run your direction, go get it, achieve it, work for it, nothing comes easy, feel accomplished.  Feel and don't ever give up.
If the end result isn't exactly what you were expecting, your hard will would have taught you something you may have not known about yourself.
Fear, strength, patience, understanding, love.
Maybe you were taught to love yourself, to give you, YOU.
Maybe you overcame a fear, loneliness, abandonment, commitment.
Maybe you were taught to listen, not just hear words.
Maybe you learned to look within, instead of projecting outward, to take a step back and breath. One, Two, Three...
Whatever it is or was, you worked and that's where it all begins.  You have to put in  in order to get something out.
It's never to late to make the best version of you that you can.