Thursday, May 8, 2014

Always Wanting...

Have you ever sat back and re-evaluated where you are, who you're with, where you've been or how you got here?  Sometimes there's an empty feeling that appears and eats at you like there's something missing...The feeling never leaves it just keeps you "wanting" but you never really know exactly what, with so many things coming at you.  A better relationship, a better job, better family support, better love (or just love period), a companion, a lover, a friend, a partner, a life...Something to look forward to, to be ambitious about, someone to plan a future with, someone who wants you for just simply you!
Wants...I used to think they were the devil in disguise now I've come to realize they're actually my hopes and dreams, the things I want for myself because I deserve to be happy.
I know I can be complicated let's deal with the reality that no one is perfect, maybe my quirks or damaged side isn't "fitting" enough for you.  When you love someone unconditional that means you take everything about them and heal them, you can you know.  You reassure them that their demons are now yours and you will fight to destroy them so they will feel safe again.  I've been alone for what seems a long time (being with someone that's not really there - is literally being alone), no matter what I tried to do to make things better, stronger, more easy, I was fighting an uphill battle and I'm strong enough to admit that now.  There's no more denial of how I "wished" things were or they'd become, the simple fact is that I was not a solid part of your life, I was not etched in stone and that's Ok.  I'm Ok!  I've been able to look inside myself and move on, I've been able to let go and realize that one day I will be strong enough to find someone that will appreciate me and will be by my side and when I'm not there they will find me and want to be with me.  
When you're always searching, there will always be "Wants".  The Secret is when someone leaves you with no "Wants" your search has finally ended and you can focus on making your life, your destiny and your dreams come true.  I've always wondered how that would feel to have no Wants.  To be complete.  To have someone Want YOU!  What's that like?
I think all my life I've been searching...for a whole heart, that was willing to only be mine, for that unconditional love, for someone that my worth was worth their world.
I won't give up, it's just taking me a little longer with the road I chose to go, I always thought of flowers and butterflies ~ I've just ended up with some thorns and mosquito's...But it's made me stronger  to endure what life has in store.  I may have fallen a couple times along my journey, but I've been strong enough to get up by myself and I'll keep on keepin on, it's what I do best.  If one day I'm given that ONE...who will leave me with no Wants - I will be forever his and I will love so deep that he will know there is no searching, because we will have each other to dream and make our future for and with.
One day..."If's" are always a possibility, I won't give up - maybe happiness and love will one day be on my side, I've waited this long, maybe...just maybe No Wants will come my way and I'll finally be complete.
01/2014