Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Curse or Life

Curse or Just Plain Life...

I was talking to a friend the other day and am convinced that my life was cursed at birth by the Fates, those evil b*tches have a sick sense of humor.
I wasn't graced by Eratones with such great happiness, instead I think Achlys lurked in my shadows and said I'll take you under my wing. Aphrodite and Eros over shot my luck and at times I feel I was blessed more by the goddess Artemis always ready for the hunt.  I definitely have a part of Hera that will always be my strong point.  No matter what, I know for a fact that the Furies have always been at my side, for better or worse.  They are there for the long term. Alecto lives inside me to the fullest, Megaera only gets a hold of me when I've finally had enough and let's the grudging begin.  But Tisiphone, she never lets me down, in the end - I know I can't control wanting to avenge it all. How most times I feel Psyche is the best thing I'll ever have, since it seems the most fitting how most times I feel my soul is disappearing or being crushed.
Maybe it's just life...in all it's crazy delusional, dysfunctional ways.
As for me I'm blaming the Curse of the Gods how this is turning out.

I look and just want to see the bigger picture, sometimes that vision gets clouded when the fog will not lift or the mountain I'm at the bottom of keeps getting higher.  When will "One Day" finally be here?!?! I've waited for it for a long time now, just waiting and wondering if it will arrive in the life time.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Realizing



Realizing...

I don’t know how it happens, well that’s a lie, I do I let you in.
I can piss, complain, whine, talk sh*t and make everything that we once had sound like you were a total d*ck, but in the end it’s my cover.  The reality is I accept you, I don’t try and change you, I don’t want to even give you a hard time.  You are who you are and you have been from the start, you’ve never hidden that.  I guess the reality is you actually make me realize who I really am.
In the beginning giving you my heart was probably my fatal mistake, but it was something I never regretted giving you.  I know at 24 you were not versed in playing the game, and playing a master was a fatal move, but you took it in stride.  The hurt that was caused to me was my own fault I should have known what I was playing with, but old habits die hard.  I let my guard down, I believed in empty promises, but the one thing, the one thing that you had above all else was the hold on my heart.  You see, my heart knows intentions, good or bad it feels them and you, you had good intentions, just f*cked up ways for delivery.  I fell and I fell hard, I believed and I let my guard down, but THAT – that was all me, I can’t blame you for what I did.  I’ve always said I can’t get mad at the truth I can only be disappointed in the lies.
Somehow your imperfections hit to close to home and I realized you actually bring out the real me.  Like it or not I have to face the fact that my flaws cause the “not good enough” effect.  Are we one in the same?  Is this why I can easily accept you?  Do I look at you and see myself? Sometimes I think the answer is yes.
I get so tired of being judged, being told how to feel, or how not to feel, what I should let go of and what is good for me.  Can’t I just be me without the load of being what everyone else wants.  Somehow I feel deep inside that’s where we are the same, always trying to be what everyone else wants and not ever being who we really are. 
You told me, you get tired of never being able to tell the truth, but your heart has the right intentions, you respond to what you think everyone wants to hear.  I do hear you. I respect that of you.
When I’m with you, you bring you the me that wants to live, you make me strong, you make me feel alive and you make me see just how important I am.  It’s like the feeling of being able to conquer one’s self, having the confidence to keep going when sometimes I’ve only felt like giving up.  Oh wait, those giving up moments you were there and you fought to keep me going, you made me fight to keep going and you got SO mad when I didn’t want to.  You shook me and told me I didn’t have a f*cking choice, because it wasn’t going down like that, you insisted I fight and for you I did.  We’ve had this crazy, insane, nothing like it in the world bond…Somehow it ties us and keeps us both going in a strange way.  You make me believe in me again and you know I accept your flaws and still find you perfect.
Sometimes we need that.
The reality is you make me find myself, you make me feel like I actually mean something and that if taking on the world is what I want, you’ll be there and have my back.
Finding me again is what I’ve needed in order to go forward, so if I never let go of you means always having the real me – it’s a gamble I’m willing to take, because the reality is – You make me come alive and actually not want to give up.  
9/2013

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

And it's been awhile...

And it's been awhile...

 During an absence there's so many things that happen and you think, why wasn't I writing, why wasn't I jotting things down, why was I always talking to myself instead of paper?
We never know, it's life and just like life, it happens.
We go so fast that we don't realize until the traffic slows that there was so much going on and we couldn't take notice of it all.  In the blur that we run through, the fog thickens, the time speeds up and we never see the door we're running into or the window we're jumping out of.
Life...it's a tricky bastard!
It lives with Love who's a mother flower and Mother Nature who's a bitch, what a wonderful family tree.  Maybe there's a reason why I always wanted to be immortal - so I could beat them all at their own sick games.

During the fog I was running in and the time I lost, I lost something very dear to me.  Bringing up kids is hard, bringing up their friends is just as complicated.  They grow to be a part of your family, an outstretched version of you that they acquire.  They become loved and it's something you never lose the older they get and their younger years with you is something they always remember.  Impressions, they do make a difference bad or good.

Watching someone you've helped raise fight for their life and slip into a coma is a far cry from the "norm", in an instant you're whole life is turned upside down, your heart is broken and it feels like a piece of your soul is being ripped out.  You walk in a daze, there's no longer a breath you take or a beat in your heart, there's no sleep, there's no appetite and just when you think you can grab a bottle and make ALL this go away - you realize "Shit! I'm so fucking depressed I can't even Drink myself Away!" Because there's a fear inside you and a hope that backs it up that you'll get the call that says "He woke up" and how the hell will you drive yourself to the hospital in this drunk slumber without ending your own life?!
You are actually Zombie-fied without the brain eating.  I really don't know for 3 weeks how I was able to work, how I got from place to place, how I managed to not fall into pieces on the outside, I do know how I lost 18 lbs. and how I was slapped into reality of "perspective".

When all of a sudden your life --- Stops because of someone else's life being jeopardized, someone you care for so deeply, someone who has made you smile when you've had eyes full of tears, someone who sang you "Three Little Birds" the day you came home from finding out you had thyroid cancer - Someone...that warms your heart, that you've watch grow from a 12 year old little boy to a 24 year old young guy, someone you just can not part with, it's that time when you look at your life and say - "F*ck It, nothing I have is worth worrying about." Perspective - when all the little bullshit you can think to fight over, no longer matters.  When all the guilt, stress and jealousy that you think you hold, flies right out the damn window.  When all that really matters lays in a bed helpless right in front of you, that's when your life gets put into perspective, when some you love can no longer have the littlest thing like being jealous, stressing about a deadline, arguing with the person they love the most or laying blame.  Perspective she's the kind hearted bitch that puts shit in order and makes you Wake the F*ck up from pity, self hate and aggravation.  She's the one you love to hate, she's the wake up call when you think things are hard and she's the one that will make you take a real hard look as to what's really important in your life...

I figured it was time to let go of something, maybe a part of me left that day, a small piece of the baggage I carried or just some extra deep seeded emotion it was something as those three weeks dragged on.  
I waited for the day that would come and his eyes would open and it did.  It will not be the same and there's a very long road ahead, but knowing he's alive and he remembers me will forever be the joy in my heart.  I may not get the same young man I helped raise back, I may only get a portion, but I just keep hope and know that no matter what exactly I get, I'm getting him and I'd rather spend the rest of my life reliving moments we had to spark memories then to not have anything at all.  Sometimes what matters most is learning that no matter what we think we're going through may seem like the end of our world, that in someone else's world it may actual be.
Keep faith, hope and your hearts always open, you never know when you're going to need to throw everything out the window in order to save someone else.

My Moppet - I will forever Love you and I will forever keep bringing you memories of long ago so we may eventually relive them one day together.  Keep fighting, we're all fighting this fight right along side with you.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

When You Get...A Little Noticed

I don't know what feels better the fluttering inside or the smile and look in one's eyes...either way you've been noticed.
It's that least expected friendly flirtation that all of a sudden takes on a new meaning, a fresh look and a wonderful feeling.  It makes you feel Alive again!
Sometimes in the existence of day to day, the familiar unnoticed look from the one you hold dear, the tap tap hug and a peck on the lips, the Oh whatever and it really doesn't matter if I see you or not attitude, brings you to an unwanted place that you feel alone and exhausted.  But in that time of roaming through work, through your regular cycle of life, there is a smile, a laugh, a twinkling eye and a open gesture of playfulness, you've been noticed.
What?!?! How can that be? Me?!?! But yes, it is You!
The roads we tend to travel on leave little bumps and different paths along the way, once in a while along that weary desert there's a flower that blooms and brings you a little hope that not all of you is lost or forgotten about.  
You become someones bright spot, your smile makes them smile, their laugh makes you giggle and their touch brings you to life, it's a new world and you should let the life inside you live.    
There's a world outside the world we create in ourselves, not all of us let the outside world in, we're so determined to make the world inside ourselves work with forced happiness, less emotion and a struggle to find how it can all come together in some kind of peace and happiness, that we're blinded by what's outside, by what others see.  I'm not saying that we always act on our emotions or instincts, we need to read carefully and be sure what we want.  But during the collisions from our inside world to the outside one, doesn't it make more sense to accept what makes you flutter inside and that moment when you have to catch your breath because someone came along that took your breath away?

Monday, April 1, 2013

Life...and all its Crazy

There's so many times in our lives that we just want, need or expect.  There's so many times that we just have to go with the punches, dodge the balls, be disappointed and live with the things that may not always go our way.
There's just so many times, ups and downs.  But...we get through it.
It's in all of us that we think we're totally Invincible - we're like Super Hero's in our own minds, worlds and hearts.
And then one day a reality meteor comes from no where and smashes you to the ground...Universe code name...
                                        CANCER!
With all that can and could happen time just stops and makes you deal with a harsh reality of "What If's?!?!?!"
The only thing left to do is Fight, fight long, fight hard and fight for keeps.  Of course the fighting comes after the devastation, the frustration, the sadness, the tears, the punches and the madness from within, but it's ok those are reality steps.  Life teaches us that we are not invincible, we are not non destructible and we are at times more fragile then we will ever appear to admit.  It's those times that when something like this happens it makes you stop, think and fall to the ground.  At least for me that's what happened, I just took a step, became jello and fell down, besides throwing a fit, crying and looking at all of this as 'the end'.
But...it wasn't, it was just the beginning, the beginning of a long twisted highway.
I learned at times to quiet the crazy that was being so loud in my head, I had to sit back at times and just let things be, since I had no control over them all I had was control over me and at certain points that was the hardest to do.  Control ones self, especially when you feel like you have 2 of you in there and they're heading in totally separate directions.  Yep that's ME...Me and Crazy we're a packaged deal, and believe me I'd rather be without her too.
I like everyone else wishes all our wonderfully planned out roads go smoothly and everything just falls into this magical perfect place.  Well, that doesn't happen, at least 8 out of the 10 times it doesn't so why does it come as such a shock?  Why are we shocked or upset when the tides change, the winds start up, the road turns and the cracks in the wall? Why?  I'm so used to throwing fits over the indecisiveness and last minute changes that why would it even bother me so much still, why care, why not just go along for the ride and see where the heck this is going to go?
Well cancer for one puts a little damper on the sunshine, yet it was raining outside in the first place and it creeps into your happy place, even if you were sad to begin with.  But you can't let it win, you can't let it take control and you have to just let your "Crazy" have at it for once. 
Let me tell you a little about "Her"...
She's the inside of me that wants out, wreak havoc and cause some kind of pain, to me, to others, to the world.  She's the one part of me that has been broken, damaged and can't let go, she's one hell of a Fire Cracker when you need one and one Crazy A** Bitch when all goes down, she WILL protect you, well Me, she does protect me but sometimes it's not always for the best.  It's that part of doubt you may have, she'll enhance it, it's the not so worthy story that can get turned into a chapter of a cheaters book in less then ten seconds.  It's a look that can be taken in a bad way and it's a love that can be broken by self destruction, all because of a little 'Crazy'. There was once a time that she would scream so loud I couldn't even hear myself think, a time where I didn't even want to deal with what could be, I just let her win and only lived with what was, was her thinking, her thoughts and her disillusions.  Once you see the love you've grown to know slowly be die and be destroyed your heart has one only one choice...To Fight.  To not let the voice that screams scare you, make you believe something it's only invented or imagined, but it's the one time that you silence her.  For what she's the most afraid of is the one thing you've struggled to protect...Love.  It's my time that I let my own mind sing, over power any other thoughts and silence the crazy that lives inside, and for those times she's still, she's peaceful or she just realizes I won't put up with her sh*t.  It's the time I Win.
Like cancer, even though it yelled inside of me and had crazy believing maybe it would be able to take hold, it didn't.  I embraced it the second time around, loved it and sang, and when everything calmed down and I realized I won the second round, Crazy celebrated too and it's the first time we became One.  
Life IS so unexpected and being Me just lets me know there's other things I could worry about, other things I could really put my energy to, having a ranting, screaming voice in my head is not one of them.  So yeah, maybe she lives there, but for once she's not as psychotic as she normally could be, she's just a little Crazy.  Besides, life and all it's crazy it seems like a perfect place for her to be.
What comes along ~ Embrace it
If it scares you ~ Sing
Remember, you can't ever fly, if you're a afraid to fall.  Let Go...there's no time like the present.  We're not guaranteed tomorrow so what are you waiting for, what am I waiting for...Jump and I'll see you when we land.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Long New Beginnings...

Wow, it does take some time to get your feet grounded.
I do know that you can jump right in, but you don't always land just right.  It's like when you learn to dive, sure you got the form, you're ready and then you go for it...belly flop! Every time! No one's perfect.
Practice makes perfect, well not perfect but you know good enough to be.
Of course jumping in I always think I'll land it, I never let that back of the mind thing get in my way or get me discouraged.  I just go!  And of course I belly flop, but when that happens it reminds me I'm human and I need to just adjust, accept and feel my ground until I know I can glide and be good.
So here I am, still feeling at times maybe I'll just jump, knowing in the back of my mind the belly flop will happen, but it doesn't discourage me it just makes me want to go, try it out and do it, no matter what or how it turns out.
I'm glad I do this, I'm glad I'm me and I'm glad to take the risk, if I didn't  what would life be?
For me, it wouldn't be "Lived" and I can't deprive myself of that any longer.
Keep on Keepin On...
It's Not just the road we travel, it's the things we see that make it a journey.