Playing a Game of Hearts...Mine

Soooooo as much as I preach about protecting your heart, shield it, don't let down the guard on your heart til it's a for sure thing. I did not practice what I preached!
I have only myself to be pissed at.  I know better.
So the game of hearts you decided to play was with me, I have played this game several times and have lost, convinced that I now could play this hand and keep my cards close to me until I was ready to show them - I made the brutal mistake of showing my hand the very first round. All hearts.
Fuck!
What happened, you took them, used them in your hand and cleaned the table, and disappeared.  - Fuck!
I know this game, sooooo well.  I know how to play it, I've lost to it before, WTF?!
WTF?! Happened!!!
I got so wrapped up in the moment of hopefulness, of finding what I have missed, the void that could be filled.  The sweet words, the feelings that were shared, the same road, the chemistry, the attraction... Was all of it that much of a lie?!
Did I get played that well?!
What happened?!
Days of shared thoughts, feelings, wants...
Then it all just disappeared...
Just like that it just vanished, I didn't even have time to blink, you were just gone...
All my cards in your hand...My heart crushed...
I should know better...I was told to be better, I KNOW to be better, but you weakened me, I let you and I  have no one to blame for that except me.  I gave you the power to hold my heart and crush it. 
I need to be more careful with such a delicate part of me..
Next time...I will hold my cards close and I will not play my hearts until you truly deserve and can prove that you will not walk away from the table.

Needing to Believe...given the push

As I step out into a place I'm not used to being, an unknown feeling comes over me.  I'm walking into a space that feels strange, exciting and alone all the same time.  I don't know how to embrace it or if I should turn and run.  Some embrace this space, I've never been in this space long enough to ever embrace it, it usually scares me so much that instead of facing my fear I turn and latch onto something and get out.  What I latch on to doesn't matter at the time, good, bad, toxic, it's just there and I take hold so I don't have to face the fear that I believe is waiting for me.
This time is different...
This time I'm told to stay, I'm told to face it head on, I'm told be to strong, I'm told to find myself in this fear.  I'm told I need to stay in order to really be free. I'm told I won't be alone, he will stay with me and hold my hand.  He will help me get through it, he will be there like he always has in this space or out of it.
But for now he tells me in order to move forward, I have to face what I've never given myself a chance to.  He knows me more then I know myself, he has confidence in me, in who I am.  He reminds me how strong, independent, and beautiful I am.
He believes in me, even when I doubt myself, he knows how strong I am , that's what he loves about me.  I can do this.
I need to look deep, grab hold of who I am, and face this.  I know I can.
The unknown is a scary place but only when you let your fears conquer your strength.  Dig deep, hold tight and believe.  I can do this.
Sometimes the reminder he gives, the way he believes in me and the push he has calls to my strength and reminds me I'm better then anything I ever thought and that I can do anything.
I can do me.  I can do this.
I'm the best version of myself that I've ever been.  I can be alone with myself and be great.  It may be a small journey until I conquer the fear but I know can, he tells me I will.  He believes and makes sure I do.  Because I don't know what I'd do without his friendship or him in my life, his push, his pick me up, his words, his honesty, his bluntness.  He is true, he is real and he will always be there, no matter the person, the relationship, the situation, no matter what life brings me.  He's there...to hold me up.
#harley&me #friendsfolife #rideordie

Harley...and Me

When my head starts spiraling and it takes over all my other emotions, I find that I need a distraction in order to get back to center and find myself.  Somehow you know how to pull me back up and get me right. Odd that what we have can always pull me back to center, giving me that little push that I need.  The way you are, the person you are, the way you see me, let's me see who I am and sometimes I need that reminder.  Thank you.

I sit and listen to my thoughts, my head going round and round in circles, a cycle I can't seem to shut off, yet one call from you, your voice, soothing and real, stops my head from spinning, stops my thoughts from being out of control and a sudden smooth and relax comes over me. What is it? 

A small pocket of time we shared, yet it seems like that pocket of time was a lifetime that we have known each other and we fall right back into place like it was yesterday, understanding life, appreciating.

What is it that you have? The small time we've known each other, yet no time passes between us and I fall right back into smiling, laughing and being at ease.  What is it?

The causal way we are, the relaxing feel of myself being around you, the honestly, the open air, the brutal truth of life, all of these can be shared with you openly, no judgment, no criticism, no shame.  Just Us... I can't think of a time that I feel more comfortable or myself. How do YOU do it? yet I can't do it myself!

You know how to make me laugh, make me smile, how to make my day, without doing anything but being you, joking, always giving me the best conversations and texts. You make me free.  You bring out the adventure, the excitement and all the good feelings that I remember having with you.
It's like living a different life, the one that I miss having, the girl I miss being...

I don't know how to repay you for what you do for me, the gratitude I have inside, how thankful I am to have you in my life.  All I can do is soak in the happiness you give me, cherish every moment we make and look at you with admiration and adore you for how you make me look inside myself and make me feel so ALIVE!  

That's what My Harley is all about -
Giving you that push you need and smacking you in the ass and saying Girl you got it - go get it, be you and don't let anyone fuck with your head, you're better then that!

Now get on the bike and let's ride!
#harley&me #freindsfolife #rideordie 

Within You First

It took me a very long time, more then half of my life, to find myself, the real me.
I walked through trying to please everyone, trying to change the person I was for someone else, trying to fix things.  I never was truly happy with myself, I never realized I didn't need to change who I was for anyone and you can't fix everything, shit happens and sometimes it's just out of your control and that's ok.
Walking in a cloud of denial, not letting the real person inside surface, holding back feelings wanting to protect everyone Else's, but in the end no one protected me.  I was hurt, I was injured, I was knocked down and I was bruised, but no one cared what their actions did, they did them, they were first.  So why wasn't I? Why didn't I care enough about myself to be strong and to fight back, to own my voice and to let my real feelings show through?  I was afraid of rejection, of disappointment, of being unloved.  Love - do you know you can't truly love anyone until you can honestly love yourself?  You can't give yourself if you haven't accepted yourself. 100%
It took me to hurt, to bruise and to break in order to realize I get back up every single time.  I dust myself off, carry myself through and live another day.  No matter what has come my way I've gone through it, I've loved and lost and I've loved again.
I found myself...through time I found myself...me.
I looked inside and let out all that was bottled up, pushed deep into the abyss, things I didn't want to face or look at, I let them surface and I faced them in all their ugliness.
After I did I felt a weight lifted, I was free from all the things that I let stop me, hold me back and come between me and happiness.  I found myself.
And I liked who I had found, I was a fighter, I was stronger then I ever gave myself credit for, I was a happy and positive person.
I cared about me first, I put me at the top of my priorities, I said what I felt and when I did I didn't do it out of spit I put myself on the table and laid out of my feelings.  I have to be real, my heart, my love, my inner self, it's all me, there's no holding back.
So now the love that I have is for me first, within me first is me.  The love that surrounds me is given whole hearted with nothing expected in return.  Maybe some look at it that I have a cold heart  or I may not care - No it's not that I'm just selected.  I want positively in my life, I want happiness even in this cruel and strange world.  So if there's more of an underline that is expected from me, I have to keep distance, since it's not tic for tat.
When you find yourself and can truly say you love the way you are, you are a good person and you want to make others smile.  You have found yourself, you have found what's within you first and now you can be free,
When you free yourself from the negativity and the things that hold you back you are the BEST version of you and that's what you can share with someone else.

The Holidays

The holidays bring a mixture of emotions, everyone has something different that they feel.  Happiness, love, togetherness, cheer, loss, sadness, emptiness and loneliness, wherever you are in your life we can all feel.  No matter what emotion the holidays bring, you are entitled to feel any and everything you want and can.  Time is the only gage you have to heal, repair and continue, you alone have that and you can take all the time you need.  There's so much that goes on in our emotions and there's so much that goes on with loss, it's hard to jump back to the normal.  
Holidays bring a time of togetherness to continue making our memories and laughter with those from holidays before.  They also bring loneliness when we argue or disagree with those we are close to and we do not get to make a new memory of this year together.  They bring emptiness for those of us who have lost and all we have is the memory of the holidays before, cherishing those moments in our mind and keeping them close.  But during the holidays I reflect and give Thanks to those who loved so deeply in my life that they scarred my heart and it is too hard to forget.  I thank them for being there for me, I thank them for loving me so much that their love always kept me warm.  I'm grateful for what they shared with me, they shared themselves, the most important part of your life you could give to someone. I thank them for being with me for as long as they could, for holding on, and for sharing with me all the moments we had.  I thank them.  
And though my holidays or anyone out there can relate to having them without some of the people in our lives that are now gone, I can go through them and know that they are there with me in spirit to share every new moment I am having.  My pictures may be absent of someone who I Loved so dear, but my heart will be full thinking of how wonderful you would have felt being here.
With all my Love and Thoughts of you - not only during the holidays but every day of my life - Thank You.  Pudgy, Grandma & Grandpa 

My Thoughts...on missing you

The days you've left behind are empty and full of tears, I don't think I ever get through one thinking of you that doesn't bring my eyes to water.  It's been rough, almost 6 months and I still expect your excited self at the door when I come home from work.  I still look under the bed, expecting to see you rolled in a ball in your bed, or your legs stretched out and hanging off.  I still expect...you, physically, You.  The nights are lonely without you curled up right next to me, in and out of the covers, the disturbed sleep, yet I slept so good.  You, it's all I need, the missing piece, the part to make my heart whole, just you.

I know how much I took your love for granted, I know how many times I said not now, I know...and it makes this even tougher.  All those times, all the not nows, all the time away, I'd give anything to have those back - I Miss you.  It's a long and hard road that I travel now, an emptiness lives inside me like I've never known, you completed me in so many ways I can never explain.  I miss you.  I remember the days of happiness, your back tongue kisses, your head in my lap and the sound of your snoring. I Remember all too well.  The walks, the groomer, the vet, the pet store, the babies and how much you loved ice cream.  I remember all too well.  The look in your eyes when I was sick, after thyroid cancer surgery or on the days I just couldn't get out of bed.  You were there, I remember it all too well, like it was yesterday.  11 years you gave to me, the love you never held back on and that can never be replaced with the life I'm living now.  I will forever miss you.
When the news came in about your sickness, the lil pup body that was no longer the same frisky one you'd always been, it was the toughest.  To know there was nothing I could do, only pills the ease the pain and to love and hold you everyday.  I prayed, I sang to you, I kissed and loved you, every moment of everyday trying not to think of what was to come.  11 years could never fill the time that 2 months took, the happiness I tried filling myself with would only bring more tears to fall.  The day came when it was no longer in my ability to keep you going, though I tried and I fought, time was finally up.  You looked at me with eyes wide, a peace within them and I know that was suppose to give me a little peace inside.  It did not.  I look back on the days and weep from the moments that I wish I could have did everything wrong, I'm told I did everything Icould and I was the best mom.  I tired.  But my little one I hope that one day I can see your tongue out, panting face, I can feel your slobbery back tongue kiss and that you will paw me again just like the yesterday I try to hard not to forget.  One day...at the rainbow bridge.  No emotion can fill the emptiness of missing you, only the love you gave me that I keep close tries everyday to let one tear less escape.  But my heart will still tighten and my throat will still close - I Miss you.
Pudgy every single fucking day - I Miss YOU!

Not Now...

If the time comes that my heart can no longer reset itself, I will need to go on.
If there's a moment that my eyes no longer have tears, I will need to go on.
If the feel of your warmth against my skin no longer shines upon me, I will need to go on.
I never want to...
I never want to know my life without, I never want to stop crying for how much love I have in my heart for you, and I never want to not remember how much I loved holding you.
Never in this life time or the next, I never want to go on....
Like the seasons, the months, the years and time, it will like everything else start to fade, just a little with each passing day. But not my spirit, not my love, not my memories, they will stay.  As hurtful as the nights are, as empty as the room feels, I know that will become more bearable again.  There will come a day when I can look at your face and my heart will not tighten up, my eyes will not overflow with water and I will be able to breath.
But not today...Not yet...Not now...
I asked for so much when you were here and now I ask for so little to have you back, but there's no exchanges, no refunds, no playbacks.  It's the time when life pushes, I must go on.
But I don't want to...not today...not tomorrow...not ever.
When I thought the end was near, I asked for a second chance, I asked for a little more time, I was granted that, but it went so fast.  We can't outrun death, we can't outrun time, we can only stand by and watch as it takes away breath by breath the ones we love.  We don't live forever and I do know that, but for you, I wasn't ready.
Not today...not tomorrow...I can't go on.
I have the most treasured memories like they were dreams of yesterday, so strong in my heart and in my mind.  Playful moments, pesting days, working on patience, but most of all the love that we shared between us and the love you gave everyone around you.  I know in your heart you were ready and you tried to make me strong, you want me to go on.  To be the strong person you knew, the one who protected you and loved you with their all.  My heart and soul are so incomplete without you, so much is missing, a big hole of blackness and in the midst of that I know you are saying...
"It's Okay Mom, you need to Go On."
But for me it's not today, it's not tomorrow, it's not now...
Until time moves forward and starts to heal a small piece, it's not now.  11 years wasn't long enough and it will take double that in order to sew a small piece of emptiness back together.  Today is just another day that I wake up, put one foot in front of the other, look at the empty spot on my bed, tell you how much I love you and that I'm trying to go on.
But until my heart can reset, my eyes can no longer cry and my body can with stand the cold...
It's not today, it's not tomorrow and it's Not now.
Forever you will be My Furever!
Pudgy 03/04/2004 ~ 02/05/2016