Harley...and Me

When my head starts spiraling and it takes over all my other emotions, I find that I need a distraction in order to get back to center and find myself.  Somehow you know how to pull me back up and get me right. Odd that what we have can always pull me back to center, giving me that little push that I need.  The way you are, the person you are, the way you see me, let's me see who I am and sometimes I need that reminder.  Thank you.

I sit and listen to my thoughts, my head going round and round in circles, a cycle I can't seem to shut off, yet one call from you, your voice, soothing and real, stops my head from spinning, stops my thoughts from being out of control and a sudden smooth and relax comes over me. What is it? 

A small pocket of time we shared, yet it seems like that pocket of time was a lifetime that we have known each other and we fall right back into place like it was yesterday, understanding life, appreciating.

What is it that you have? The small time we've known each other, yet no time passes between us and I fall right back into smiling, laughing and being at ease.  What is it?

The causal way we are, the relaxing feel of myself being around you, the honestly, the open air, the brutal truth of life, all of these can be shared with you openly, no judgment, no criticism, no shame.  Just Us... I can't think of a time that I feel more comfortable or myself. How do YOU do it? yet I can't do it myself!

You know how to make me laugh, make me smile, how to make my day, without doing anything but being you, joking, always giving me the best conversations and texts. You make me free.  You bring out the adventure, the excitement and all the good feelings that I remember having with you.
It's like living a different life, the one that I miss having, the girl I miss being...

I don't know how to repay you for what you do for me, the gratitude I have inside, how thankful I am to have you in my life.  All I can do is soak in the happiness you give me, cherish every moment we make and look at you with admiration and adore you for how you make me look inside myself and make me feel so ALIVE!  

That's what My Harley is all about -
Giving you that push you need and smacking you in the ass and saying Girl you got it - go get it, be you and don't let anyone fuck with your head, you're better then that!

Now get on the bike and let's ride!
#harley&me #freindsfolife #rideordie 

Within You First

It took me a very long time, more then half of my life, to find myself, the real me.
I walked through trying to please everyone, trying to change the person I was for someone else, trying to fix things.  I never was truly happy with myself, I never realized I didn't need to change who I was for anyone and you can't fix everything, shit happens and sometimes it's just out of your control and that's ok.
Walking in a cloud of denial, not letting the real person inside surface, holding back feelings wanting to protect everyone Else's, but in the end no one protected me.  I was hurt, I was injured, I was knocked down and I was bruised, but no one cared what their actions did, they did them, they were first.  So why wasn't I? Why didn't I care enough about myself to be strong and to fight back, to own my voice and to let my real feelings show through?  I was afraid of rejection, of disappointment, of being unloved.  Love - do you know you can't truly love anyone until you can honestly love yourself?  You can't give yourself if you haven't accepted yourself. 100%
It took me to hurt, to bruise and to break in order to realize I get back up every single time.  I dust myself off, carry myself through and live another day.  No matter what has come my way I've gone through it, I've loved and lost and I've loved again.
I found myself...through time I found myself...me.
I looked inside and let out all that was bottled up, pushed deep into the abyss, things I didn't want to face or look at, I let them surface and I faced them in all their ugliness.
After I did I felt a weight lifted, I was free from all the things that I let stop me, hold me back and come between me and happiness.  I found myself.
And I liked who I had found, I was a fighter, I was stronger then I ever gave myself credit for, I was a happy and positive person.
I cared about me first, I put me at the top of my priorities, I said what I felt and when I did I didn't do it out of spit I put myself on the table and laid out of my feelings.  I have to be real, my heart, my love, my inner self, it's all me, there's no holding back.
So now the love that I have is for me first, within me first is me.  The love that surrounds me is given whole hearted with nothing expected in return.  Maybe some look at it that I have a cold heart  or I may not care - No it's not that I'm just selected.  I want positively in my life, I want happiness even in this cruel and strange world.  So if there's more of an underline that is expected from me, I have to keep distance, since it's not tic for tat.
When you find yourself and can truly say you love the way you are, you are a good person and you want to make others smile.  You have found yourself, you have found what's within you first and now you can be free,
When you free yourself from the negativity and the things that hold you back you are the BEST version of you and that's what you can share with someone else.

The Holidays

The holidays bring a mixture of emotions, everyone has something different that they feel.  Happiness, love, togetherness, cheer, loss, sadness, emptiness and loneliness, wherever you are in your life we can all feel.  No matter what emotion the holidays bring, you are entitled to feel any and everything you want and can.  Time is the only gage you have to heal, repair and continue, you alone have that and you can take all the time you need.  There's so much that goes on in our emotions and there's so much that goes on with loss, it's hard to jump back to the normal.  
Holidays bring a time of togetherness to continue making our memories and laughter with those from holidays before.  They also bring loneliness when we argue or disagree with those we are close to and we do not get to make a new memory of this year together.  They bring emptiness for those of us who have lost and all we have is the memory of the holidays before, cherishing those moments in our mind and keeping them close.  But during the holidays I reflect and give Thanks to those who loved so deeply in my life that they scarred my heart and it is too hard to forget.  I thank them for being there for me, I thank them for loving me so much that their love always kept me warm.  I'm grateful for what they shared with me, they shared themselves, the most important part of your life you could give to someone. I thank them for being with me for as long as they could, for holding on, and for sharing with me all the moments we had.  I thank them.  
And though my holidays or anyone out there can relate to having them without some of the people in our lives that are now gone, I can go through them and know that they are there with me in spirit to share every new moment I am having.  My pictures may be absent of someone who I Loved so dear, but my heart will be full thinking of how wonderful you would have felt being here.
With all my Love and Thoughts of you - not only during the holidays but every day of my life - Thank You.  Pudgy, Grandma & Grandpa 

My Thoughts...on missing you

The days you've left behind are empty and full of tears, I don't think I ever get through one thinking of you that doesn't bring my eyes to water.  It's been rough, almost 6 months and I still expect your excited self at the door when I come home from work.  I still look under the bed, expecting to see you rolled in a ball in your bed, or your legs stretched out and hanging off.  I still expect...you, physically, You.  The nights are lonely without you curled up right next to me, in and out of the covers, the disturbed sleep, yet I slept so good.  You, it's all I need, the missing piece, the part to make my heart whole, just you.

I know how much I took your love for granted, I know how many times I said not now, I know...and it makes this even tougher.  All those times, all the not nows, all the time away, I'd give anything to have those back - I Miss you.  It's a long and hard road that I travel now, an emptiness lives inside me like I've never known, you completed me in so many ways I can never explain.  I miss you.  I remember the days of happiness, your back tongue kisses, your head in my lap and the sound of your snoring. I Remember all too well.  The walks, the groomer, the vet, the pet store, the babies and how much you loved ice cream.  I remember all too well.  The look in your eyes when I was sick, after thyroid cancer surgery or on the days I just couldn't get out of bed.  You were there, I remember it all too well, like it was yesterday.  11 years you gave to me, the love you never held back on and that can never be replaced with the life I'm living now.  I will forever miss you.
When the news came in about your sickness, the lil pup body that was no longer the same frisky one you'd always been, it was the toughest.  To know there was nothing I could do, only pills the ease the pain and to love and hold you everyday.  I prayed, I sang to you, I kissed and loved you, every moment of everyday trying not to think of what was to come.  11 years could never fill the time that 2 months took, the happiness I tried filling myself with would only bring more tears to fall.  The day came when it was no longer in my ability to keep you going, though I tried and I fought, time was finally up.  You looked at me with eyes wide, a peace within them and I know that was suppose to give me a little peace inside.  It did not.  I look back on the days and weep from the moments that I wish I could have did everything wrong, I'm told I did everything Icould and I was the best mom.  I tired.  But my little one I hope that one day I can see your tongue out, panting face, I can feel your slobbery back tongue kiss and that you will paw me again just like the yesterday I try to hard not to forget.  One day...at the rainbow bridge.  No emotion can fill the emptiness of missing you, only the love you gave me that I keep close tries everyday to let one tear less escape.  But my heart will still tighten and my throat will still close - I Miss you.
Pudgy every single fucking day - I Miss YOU!

Not Now...

If the time comes that my heart can no longer reset itself, I will need to go on.
If there's a moment that my eyes no longer have tears, I will need to go on.
If the feel of your warmth against my skin no longer shines upon me, I will need to go on.
I never want to...
I never want to know my life without, I never want to stop crying for how much love I have in my heart for you, and I never want to not remember how much I loved holding you.
Never in this life time or the next, I never want to go on....
Like the seasons, the months, the years and time, it will like everything else start to fade, just a little with each passing day. But not my spirit, not my love, not my memories, they will stay.  As hurtful as the nights are, as empty as the room feels, I know that will become more bearable again.  There will come a day when I can look at your face and my heart will not tighten up, my eyes will not overflow with water and I will be able to breath.
But not today...Not yet...Not now...
I asked for so much when you were here and now I ask for so little to have you back, but there's no exchanges, no refunds, no playbacks.  It's the time when life pushes, I must go on.
But I don't want to...not today...not tomorrow...not ever.
When I thought the end was near, I asked for a second chance, I asked for a little more time, I was granted that, but it went so fast.  We can't outrun death, we can't outrun time, we can only stand by and watch as it takes away breath by breath the ones we love.  We don't live forever and I do know that, but for you, I wasn't ready.
Not today...not tomorrow...I can't go on.
I have the most treasured memories like they were dreams of yesterday, so strong in my heart and in my mind.  Playful moments, pesting days, working on patience, but most of all the love that we shared between us and the love you gave everyone around you.  I know in your heart you were ready and you tried to make me strong, you want me to go on.  To be the strong person you knew, the one who protected you and loved you with their all.  My heart and soul are so incomplete without you, so much is missing, a big hole of blackness and in the midst of that I know you are saying...
"It's Okay Mom, you need to Go On."
But for me it's not today, it's not tomorrow, it's not now...
Until time moves forward and starts to heal a small piece, it's not now.  11 years wasn't long enough and it will take double that in order to sew a small piece of emptiness back together.  Today is just another day that I wake up, put one foot in front of the other, look at the empty spot on my bed, tell you how much I love you and that I'm trying to go on.
But until my heart can reset, my eyes can no longer cry and my body can with stand the cold...
It's not today, it's not tomorrow and it's Not now.
Forever you will be My Furever!
Pudgy 03/04/2004 ~ 02/05/2016

Emptiness

I open the door, I hesitate and still look down, walking slowly, and then realize you're not there.  I keep thinking I need to rush home, there's something I need to do, someone I need to take care of. But you're not there.  There's so many things, so many words, so many moments I want to recreate. I want to reset, I want another chance, I would give anything to have you back. 
One chapter of loss and emptiness is one we can't bring back, it's the kind that's lost forever, the one that leaves us physically, the only thing here is the memories and the heartbreak. 
It's the kind of loss that you will only meet again when  you leave this world to go beyond the stars.  
Second chapter is where you pass on the gift of love you have been accustomed to in order to make some one else's life whole, complete and happy.  It's the kind the loss that you experience within your world but you've made the world of someone one else complete and full.  
The first chapter hurts the way no other can, it's the emptiness you will never get over, death. The second chapter is the one you look forward to hearing about from the people you have shared your gift with, life.
In their own way there is a loss and emptiness that is hard to get through.  Losing and letting go.  
As I walk in the door, I stop, look down, hesitate and go slowly...
Then I realize you're not there...and my heart is broken, shattered on the floor, and I close the door behind me to slowly pick up the pieces.

5/2016

Always Wanting...

Have you ever sat back and re-evaluated where you are, who you're with, where you've been or how you got here?  Sometimes there's an empty feeling that appears and eats at you like there's something missing...The feeling never leaves it just keeps you "wanting" but you never really know exactly what, with so many things coming at you.  A better relationship, a better job, better family support, better love (or just love period), a companion, a lover, a friend, a partner, a life...Something to look forward to, to be ambitious about, someone to plan a future with, someone who wants you for just simply you!
Wants...I used to think they were the devil in disguise now I've come to realize they're actually my hopes and dreams, the things I want for myself because I deserve to be happy.
I know I can be complicated let's deal with the reality that no one is perfect, maybe my quirks or damaged side isn't "fitting" enough for you.  When you love someone unconditional that means you take everything about them and heal them, you can you know.  You reassure them that their demons are now yours and you will fight to destroy them so they will feel safe again.  I've been alone for what seems a long time (being with someone that's not really there - is literally being alone), no matter what I tried to do to make things better, stronger, more easy, I was fighting an uphill battle and I'm strong enough to admit that now.  There's no more denial of how I "wished" things were or they'd become, the simple fact is that I was not a solid part of your life, I was not etched in stone and that's Ok.  I'm Ok!  I've been able to look inside myself and move on, I've been able to let go and realize that one day I will be strong enough to find someone that will appreciate me and will be by my side and when I'm not there they will find me and want to be with me.  
When you're always searching, there will always be "Wants".  The Secret is when someone leaves you with no "Wants" your search has finally ended and you can focus on making your life, your destiny and your dreams come true.  I've always wondered how that would feel to have no Wants.  To be complete.  To have someone Want YOU!  What's that like?
I think all my life I've been searching...for a whole heart, that was willing to only be mine, for that unconditional love, for someone that my worth was worth their world.
I won't give up, it's just taking me a little longer with the road I chose to go, I always thought of flowers and butterflies ~ I've just ended up with some thorns and mosquito's...But it's made me stronger  to endure what life has in store.  I may have fallen a couple times along my journey, but I've been strong enough to get up by myself and I'll keep on keepin on, it's what I do best.  If one day I'm given that ONE...who will leave me with no Wants - I will be forever his and I will love so deep that he will know there is no searching, because we will have each other to dream and make our future for and with.
One day..."If's" are always a possibility, I won't give up - maybe happiness and love will one day be on my side, I've waited this long, maybe...just maybe No Wants will come my way and I'll finally be complete.
01/2014