East Coast to West Coast

 Two years and 10 months ago we found each other...two souls looking for a partner, to share love, laughs and memories.  Little did we know that we would only be together for a short time before the east coast would call you back for a more permanant location.  The wolrd of time we shared I was a princess, your boo, your baby, your singing in bed muse, and my life was better with you in it. We laughed, we smiled, we shared stories, I cried, I got drunk, you always took care of me...you were My Hero and falling in love with you was the easiest fall of my life.  And away it went...and I was lost, lonely, and sad.  I couldn't find a balance for me which meant not being able to find the balance of Us.  Love was not lost but pushed down deep inside so I didn't have to face the fact that you were gone and I couldn't deal with being away from you for that long.  I pretended to walk forward, to fill my time, though your memory pulled at my heart and never stopped.  I ached deep inside without you, an absence nothing could fill, there was a part of me that was broken, but still I continued to move forward and push it down, deeper, deeper and deeper.

Until one day...a year ago the only person I wanted to talk to, that I needed most, that was weighing in my mind, heart and soul was a call away and I needed to make it.  I needed to hear your voice, I needed to hear you say it's ok Baby, I Love You, I'm here.  That day I cried all the feelings that I had pushed down so deep and I had finally let my heart breathe.  I took down my wall, my ego, I let go of my pain and I knew I needed you back in my life, one way or another.  You let me fly, you never hold me down, you make see a better version of me and you love me unconditionally.

East Coast to West Coast, we said years ago we would see where it went, we would try to hold it together, we would find a way to make it happen.  I knew I threw those out when I built a wall, but when we reconnected it was like picking up from where we left off.  My wall was no longer there, my mind was open and willing, my heart feels less broken.

Us...the love we have can not be lost, being in your arms is like being home, the way we fit, the undeniable chemistry we have, the way you look at me and smile. L O V E

I have learned so much from our relationship: patinece, understanding, loving hard, being open and willing, and most of all knowing that YOU being in my life is something I will NOT ever give up again.  Who knows what our future brings, I just know I can't wait to see it with you.  East Coast to West Coast our times spent together are precious, meaningful, passionate, full of love and my goodness there is always singing.

YOU are my #DTLA #26floorsup #myboxingchamp #eastcoasttowestcoast #inthetikiroom

❤ BJ  11/2021 "my life is better with you in it, ten hundred ways that I can spend it. Oh, happy day ain't no pretendin' My world is better with you in it. You know whatever we go through Imma rock with you nothing can break us apart because, My life is better with you in it."  .major.

Accepting Me

I've had too much time in my head...Too much time to think, too much time to re live, too much time in the hurt and too much time fast forwarding.  With or without me life will go on.  I think about the days that I could just drive over for a pot of beans, to talk about anything and everything and never be judged, only to be accepted and soothed.  I thought about love, loss and never being enough.  I re lived divorce, death and most of all emptiness.  I can fast forward only to find...3 dogs and being alone or in a corner with a window, a coloring book and lopsided pigtails...
Is this what I've become?  I've had a lot of time in my head.
I've had a vision of what life would be but it's not reality, I continue to look forward instead of now. 
I will continue to smile, to hold my head up high and still laugh through my sadness.  I will wear the mask that I have made my own for so long that I can no longer tell the difference between it and my own face.  I look into the mirror and smile, it is a lie, I tell myself I'm ok and again I lie.  I continue to lie just so I can go on walking, so I can get up in the morning and pretend that everything is okay.  I lie...
I cried today, as I have for so many days in a row...I can't seem to stop.
I look inside myself and I know that I lost myself 11 years ago when I experienced the most tremendous loss of all.  Although I tried to carry on with a heavy heart and an emptiness that I can not explain I did.  I did because I had something to carry me through, something I could ride on, depend on...then I lost that...and the biggest part of me died with both of you.  I have since been lost, looking for that hole to be filled, accepting the day to be with you, wishing that day everyday, to the universe, to God, to whoever is listening to please, please take me to you.  I sit, waiting...
Nothing has come.
They say God doesn't give give you anything you can't handle...better thing will come, they will make you stronger for tomorrow.  I wait.
Today I looked in the mirror, I did not recognize the person looking back at me, she was a stranger.  Where I have gone, where did I go? Will I ever return?
Who am I , what do I want, what makes me happy, where do I want to be????
------ I dont' know...
Accepting me is the first step, but how do I get there?
Being happy within myself is the start, but how do I find that path?
How do I find the path when I am in a dark sea of nothingness?
I've had too much time with myself and she is scary...
When I say TODAY I will be okay - she says Stop lying.  I need to silence the doubt within and believe that I AM ENOUGH! I am okay and at the end if my pigtails are a little crooked, I have the people around me that will make sure they are fixed, give me a fresh coloring book and sit with me to look out the window.
I need to accept me and start there.
Looking in the mirror...I see...

Time...

I hear I'm great, I'm wonderful, I'm more then enough, anyone would be lucky to have me...yet here I am alone.
Maybe yes, I can be a handful at times.
Maybe yes, I get emotional and unload a ton of feelings all in the same breath.
Maybe yes...
I know for sure I want to be the only one for someone, I want to be a priority, not a choice, not a backup, not a second guess.

I want love, trust, honesty, loyalty and someone I can turn to with no judgment.  Time will heal the wrong that has come across my heart.  But how much time has to pass just to find...that someone.
I know it's said I can have anyone, Really?! Tell me where???
Cause time is the only one that's knocking on my door and it is empty handed.

The Dark Inside

I get so lost in my thoughts that I lose sight of what's in front of me.  I lose the good times, I miss out on the memory that was to be made.  I go deep inside and try to hide into the darkest part of me.  Am I broken...
How can I climb out and just enjoy today, not worry about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...just today.  To smile...To enjoy...To be happy...
The loss of what was important, what made me strong is haunting me inside everyday.  I look for it to complete me, yet it left so long ago I feel that it took me with it.  I want it back yet it is nowhere in reach.  Not in sight, just gone.
I long to not be empty, to find what can fill the hole.  I look up to the sky, I call into the ocean waves, please hear me and guide me.  How do I find me...I am so lost.
Give me a sign, give me some peace, give me a way to be feel and be free again.
Not to need...
Help me to find a happiness within me, without anyone.  Help me to complete myself so that I'm not a broken puzzle, just one that's missing a few pieces.

I AM Enough!
Help me to believe that.
I AM Love!
Help me to feel for myself.
Help me to shut the darkness inside that calls to me so loudly.

Only You

When I stand alone facing my life, I realize I want so much for you to be a part of it. 

I know the circumstances, the life, the time and yet I would still want to be with you, only you...

The texts, the calls, and the time we are able to spend together mean more then the world. I appreciate you and all you give to me.

My world is definitely better with you in it, my life seems more complete once you walked in, my heart is content and my mind is quiet. For once...only you...

If life would permit, could we...could We be a "WE"?

I no longer see myself with anyone else, I see only me with only you.

A lifetime from now...tears cried, a heart broken and a torn soul, only you know how to repair the way of me. Only you...

I don't want to go my lifetime without you, I only want to go with you, only you.

Every place, every song, every drink, every walk, movement and feeling of your body next to me, on me, moving with me, in sync with each other. You know how to move me, how to be with me, what I want, how to give and the exploring of each other is always amazing every single time.  Only you...

I can't imagine my life in an emptiness of you, I will always be by your side, I will always give you my all and I will always want my lifetimes with you, only you.
#rideordie #harleynme #friendsfolife 

Always By My Side

No matter the time or distance you are always there. I thank you for that and I am eternally grateful, blessed and beyond words for your loyalty, dedication and friendship.  You try beyond words to give more then you have to make sure I am happy, content, safe and loved.  No words...
Through thick and thin, bad and good you have been there.  Sometimes to pat me on the back, sometimes to pick me up, sometimes to hold me up, sometimes to cheer me on, no matter the situation you are always in my corner.
YOU are a milestone in my life, I hope you know that.
You are the completion of who I am (broken and flawed) and put me together, you have a hand in making sure I come out on top.  Some would not realize what it takes to be that person that is the upside to someone else.  When you have had the life I have, sometimes there's some points that take you down, a relationship, a memory, a bad experience, trust...the list goes on.  But then you have someone that is the ying to your yang and things just fall into place, they are the calming waters to your insanity, they have an understanding and they know you, really KNOW you.  They come in and sooth the storm that erupts, you don't even realize it until you can breath again.
You...the whisperer...
So thankful for everything you give.  It's so much more then you have and I realize what it takes and you still make it happen.
I honestly don't know what I would do without you, I'd be lost, devastated and incomplete...
I will not complete this lifetime with out you...
#rideordie #harleynme #friendsfolife

Imperfections, Insecurities, Implications

Do you ever find yourself at a crossroads? 
Yesterday was great, you were strong, independent, a beast to be reckoned with, perfect in your flawed ways, no shits to give, you were your all. 
Then today came...
And it broke you.  In all your glory, your high, it came like a torturous storm in the night and you became weak.  How did this happen, how did you let it happen?
You gave your power to someone else...You handed over a heavy heart looking for protection, but the protection you were looking for wasn't strong enough to handle your imperfections and insecurities.  You should know better!
Handing over a heavy heart, damaged, broken and torn can only be handed to someone that is strong enough and knows how to heal, is patient, kind, un judging, and has unconditional love to stand by your side no matter the consequences.
I know that now.  I've learned the hard way.  I've now seen the implications of handing over something that is treasured so dearly to me.  Not again.
There are not many people that you can show your true self to, you have to make sure they can handle seeing you in your naked, raw and emotional state.  It's not the pretty beauty that they see first site, you have to make sure they are ready to calm the storm, to be by your side and walk through it with you with whatever it is you show, give and are.
It takes a great hand to hold you, to pick you up and to stay.
Not everyone is ready to see imperfections and insecurities, though most of us have them in us, but when you can accept someone else's, make sure they are strong enough to accept yours.
Don't be broken, don't let someone have the power to weaken you. 
Take back YOU!  There is always someone there who no matter what will be by your side, they push you to your strength, they help you regain your power and they see you for who you always are.  YOU!
Be the best version of you for You, because you can, YOU have the power.
#harleynme #friendsfolife #rideordie