Not Now...

If the time comes that my heart can no longer reset itself, I will need to go on.
If there's a moment that my eyes no longer have tears, I will need to go on.
If the feel of your warmth against my skin no longer shines upon me, I will need to go on.
I never want to...
I never want to know my life without, I never want to stop crying for how much love I have in my heart for you, and I never want to not remember how much I loved holding you.
Never in this life time or the next, I never want to go on....
Like the seasons, the months, the years and time, it will like everything else start to fade, just a little with each passing day. But not my spirit, not my love, not my memories, they will stay.  As hurtful as the nights are, as empty as the room feels, I know that will become more bearable again.  There will come a day when I can look at your face and my heart will not tighten up, my eyes will not overflow with water and I will be able to breath.
But not today...Not yet...Not now...
I asked for so much when you were here and now I ask for so little to have you back, but there's no exchanges, no refunds, no playbacks.  It's the time when life pushes, I must go on.
But I don't want to...not today...not tomorrow...not ever.
When I thought the end was near, I asked for a second chance, I asked for a little more time, I was granted that, but it went so fast.  We can't outrun death, we can't outrun time, we can only stand by and watch as it takes away breath by breath the ones we love.  We don't live forever and I do know that, but for you, I wasn't ready.
Not today...not tomorrow...I can't go on.
I have the most treasured memories like they were dreams of yesterday, so strong in my heart and in my mind.  Playful moments, pesting days, working on patience, but most of all the love that we shared between us and the love you gave everyone around you.  I know in your heart you were ready and you tried to make me strong, you want me to go on.  To be the strong person you knew, the one who protected you and loved you with their all.  My heart and soul are so incomplete without you, so much is missing, a big hole of blackness and in the midst of that I know you are saying...
"It's Okay Mom, you need to Go On."
But for me it's not today, it's not tomorrow, it's not now...
Until time moves forward and starts to heal a small piece, it's not now.  11 years wasn't long enough and it will take double that in order to sew a small piece of emptiness back together.  Today is just another day that I wake up, put one foot in front of the other, look at the empty spot on my bed, tell you how much I love you and that I'm trying to go on.
But until my heart can reset, my eyes can no longer cry and my body can with stand the cold...
It's not today, it's not tomorrow and it's Not now.
Forever you will be My Furever!
Pudgy 03/04/2004 ~ 02/05/2016

Emptiness

I open the door, I hesitate and still look down, walking slowly, and then realize you're not there.  I keep thinking I need to rush home, there's something I need to do, someone I need to take care of. But you're not there.  There's so many things, so many words, so many moments I want to recreate. I want to reset, I want another chance, I would give anything to have you back. 
One chapter of loss and emptiness is one we can't bring back, it's the kind that's lost forever, the one that leaves us physically, the only thing here is the memories and the heartbreak. 
It's the kind of loss that you will only meet again when  you leave this world to go beyond the stars.  
Second chapter is where you pass on the gift of love you have been accustomed to in order to make some one else's life whole, complete and happy.  It's the kind the loss that you experience within your world but you've made the world of someone one else complete and full.  
The first chapter hurts the way no other can, it's the emptiness you will never get over, death. The second chapter is the one you look forward to hearing about from the people you have shared your gift with, life.
In their own way there is a loss and emptiness that is hard to get through.  Losing and letting go.  
As I walk in the door, I stop, look down, hesitate and go slowly...
Then I realize you're not there...and my heart is broken, shattered on the floor, and I close the door behind me to slowly pick up the pieces.

5/2016

Always Wanting...

Have you ever sat back and re-evaluated where you are, who you're with, where you've been or how you got here?  Sometimes there's an empty feeling that appears and eats at you like there's something missing...The feeling never leaves it just keeps you "wanting" but you never really know exactly what, with so many things coming at you.  A better relationship, a better job, better family support, better love (or just love period), a companion, a lover, a friend, a partner, a life...Something to look forward to, to be ambitious about, someone to plan a future with, someone who wants you for just simply you!
Wants...I used to think they were the devil in disguise now I've come to realize they're actually my hopes and dreams, the things I want for myself because I deserve to be happy.
I know I can be complicated let's deal with the reality that no one is perfect, maybe my quirks or damaged side isn't "fitting" enough for you.  When you love someone unconditional that means you take everything about them and heal them, you can you know.  You reassure them that their demons are now yours and you will fight to destroy them so they will feel safe again.  I've been alone for what seems a long time (being with someone that's not really there - is literally being alone), no matter what I tried to do to make things better, stronger, more easy, I was fighting an uphill battle and I'm strong enough to admit that now.  There's no more denial of how I "wished" things were or they'd become, the simple fact is that I was not a solid part of your life, I was not etched in stone and that's Ok.  I'm Ok!  I've been able to look inside myself and move on, I've been able to let go and realize that one day I will be strong enough to find someone that will appreciate me and will be by my side and when I'm not there they will find me and want to be with me.  
When you're always searching, there will always be "Wants".  The Secret is when someone leaves you with no "Wants" your search has finally ended and you can focus on making your life, your destiny and your dreams come true.  I've always wondered how that would feel to have no Wants.  To be complete.  To have someone Want YOU!  What's that like?
I think all my life I've been searching...for a whole heart, that was willing to only be mine, for that unconditional love, for someone that my worth was worth their world.
I won't give up, it's just taking me a little longer with the road I chose to go, I always thought of flowers and butterflies ~ I've just ended up with some thorns and mosquito's...But it's made me stronger  to endure what life has in store.  I may have fallen a couple times along my journey, but I've been strong enough to get up by myself and I'll keep on keepin on, it's what I do best.  If one day I'm given that ONE...who will leave me with no Wants - I will be forever his and I will love so deep that he will know there is no searching, because we will have each other to dream and make our future for and with.
One day..."If's" are always a possibility, I won't give up - maybe happiness and love will one day be on my side, I've waited this long, maybe...just maybe No Wants will come my way and I'll finally be complete.
01/2014
  
 
  

Our Books...

There's a saying about closing the chapter and starting a new one, like in our lives.
But what happens when that chapter seems to start and duplicate itself, when do we get tired of reading it?  When do we get tired of the repetition this book now has?  When do we decide no matter how we "wanted" it to end, we have to face the true hard fact that it's just Not.
I think I've come to a real hard truth that not only does that chapter have to end, it's time for that book just to be closed, put back on it's shelf and a new one to be open, begun and enjoyed.
It's hard...Goodbyes are Always hard, if it was easy we'd end every farewell with a "Hey, See Ya Later" and a good ol' hand shake.  
If you're like me you have to have the no regrets, no "what ifs", no reasons to turn around or take any steps back.  Now every once in a while you do stumble, like me, we're all human.  We have that one or two that we will continue to try and 'rewrite', we always want the ending to be different "this time".  We try to change ourselves, because well apparently we're the problem. Unfortunately, sometimes no matter how hard we try, that chapter can't be rewritten, WE can not be rewritten, we are Who we are. Time allows us only so much, to spend it, to throw it away or to value it.  I'd like to start valuing it, along with valuing myself.
It gets hard to know who you really are when you've lost yourself to someone else's reality, dreams or wants.  You get so caught up in trying SO hard to make yourself something you really are not. No matter how many times you want some of the past in your present, you have to face the fact and realize it's there for a reason.  To be put behind you so that you can finally shed the weight of it and move on.  
You know what it's like to be tied to a tether? To only be able to go so far? You're tied to it and you keep going in the same circles, you keep going backwards, it holds you from ever getting ahead or being able to just move forward.  The past and trying to write Love, is a lot like that.  No matter how hard you try you may never be able to get ahead, you may not be able to get past the tether, you may never be able to be truly Free.
There are times, very few and unique, where you don't give up and you keep fighting for that one chapter to come up that will ' Save' you.  The ending turns out different, the prince rescues the princess and they ride off into the kingdom where they live happily ever after.  Do you want to know the secret of how that changed, how it happened, how the chapter was actually exciting and different this time around?  Both people were - wait for it...wait for it...
Still "IN LOVE" and they Both wanted the same thing ~ To MAKE it Work!
No matter the risks, no matter the struggles, no matter the time, the effort or the work that was going to have to be put in it - they both wanted IT!
You see nothing can be one sided, it doesn't work that way.  If only one person wants it, you can't 'Make' the other person want it as well.  Love is such a silly creature, there's two faces to his story.  I've loved and I'll never let go, but to be 'In Love', that's the true heartache.
No matter how hard this book has been, the chapters never change, because the truth is only one of us is still 'In Love' and wanting, while the other has settled to be comfortable with a wall.  A wall that has been admitted to only Loving with what they have now, but they will never be able to love like they did long ago, that has past.  Bingo - Reality Clue in sight.  That Love has "PAST".  It's the very first time that I was actually hit with a punch in the face of truth, no matter how hard I try the fact of the matter is I will be the only one.  There is no combined effort to bring forward the love we once had, yours has left, while mine was still baring hope.  I've come to find that if I want MY happily ever after, I can't keep holding myself back from finding it.  There should never be a limit on Love, it should be unconditional, accepting and without walls.
So sometimes, we just have to close the book, put it away and open a brand new one.  You never know what you'll find, but I guarantee it won't be repeated chapters of heartache.  You'll actually pick up a new book that has wonderful chapters in store for you.
The first chapter starting like this...
As I opened the book and started reading, I was so inspired by what I found.  An individual so strong, full of life, not afraid, her laugh made smiles to all she touched.  It's exactly where I found..."ME". 
09/2013

Finding Inspiration

There comes a time where all you want to do is get away, escape this life and start a new one, close the chapter, walk out the door, get on the ledge and just...
Let go ~ and Fly.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't forget the past, run away from it or pretend all the wrongs didn't happen.  You can only keep moving forward, admit your mistakes and realize you only have the Happy you make, not someone else.
What makes you happy?  That's a million dollar question, loaded with possibilities, all the right with a little wrong and a question only you can truly answer from inside.  You can always be given a smile on the outside, but it's the one on the inside that will never be forgotten. 
Though the past can sometimes haunt you, it's not always the nightmares that we avoid, it's the things that make us hold on that we can't shake.  It's the tenderness that only a certain person can give, the way they remember how to kiss you, touch the side of your face, lift your chin, hold your hair at the back of your neck, how when they hug you they don't want to let you go, the warmth of their body next to yours, the only person that kisses you on the forehead and tells you how much they will always Love You with their eyes.  The eyes that look deep inside you without letting go, they don't look away and when you say your goodbyes it's the one thing that you never take for granted because the past you have, has taught you one thing...
That goodbye could actually be just that for awhile. 
There's always One, just One that makes the whole world stop when you're with them.  That one is usually the "Bad" one, the one who lives up to the reputation of everything naughty and nothing really nice, the one that is the true meaning of "heart breaker", that One that will forever be embedded in your heart.  Somehow we forget one little thing -- if we weren't as special to them as they are to us -- they wouldn't be coming back either.  How do we wind up in the same place?  We say, well it didn't work and it was what it was, but yet here we both are still with Love, Unconditional acceptance and still finding each other.
There has to be something...something that still holds us together.
When I'm down, you have a way of picking me up, when I'm lonely you'll hug me and hold me, when I'm scarred you'll kiss my forehead and tell me everything will be ok and when I need someone to Love me, make me feel like I'm the only gal that exists, you put me on top of the world.  I call you and you kiss me like I'm the only one for you - you have a way of making me feel desirable, sexy and priceless.  Somehow ONLY You can do that to me, there's never been another that can make feel exactly the way you do.
We go through the world finding laughs, smiles, sadness, tears and always hoping there will be someone to fill that void so we don't step backwards.  But, it doesn't always happen that way, sometimes we do step back and for all the Right reasons.  It's those times that the "Bad" boy I tried to stay away from wins because he makes me find inspiration, he makes me remember who I am, how I CAN feel, what it means to Love, to Want and to be Desired.  He makes me remember that happiness doesn't have to be searched out, it's actually right there when you're with the right person who knows how to bring it out of you.  It's those times that the "Bad" boy is really the Right guy just seen in a different light, I won't let your secret out of the bag.  For the last 8 years it's been the same ol' thing, but the one thing that has kept my heart warm, my hopes up and inside knowing I can be treated better then I currently am is that whenever I need you, you're here and you always bring me back to finding inspiration within myself, in our Love and pushing me to never give up with or without you.  But deep inside I know we'll be together for the rest of our lives, what would inspiration be if we didn't truly have someone that inspired us in the first place.
09/2013

Curse or Life

Curse or Just Plain Life...

I was talking to a friend the other day and am convinced that my life was cursed at birth by the Fates, those evil b*tches have a sick sense of humor.
I wasn't graced by Eratones with such great happiness, instead I think Achlys lurked in my shadows and said I'll take you under my wing. Aphrodite and Eros over shot my luck and at times I feel I was blessed more by the goddess Artemis always ready for the hunt.  I definitely have a part of Hera that will always be my strong point.  No matter what, I know for a fact that the Furies have always been at my side, for better or worse.  They are there for the long term. Alecto lives inside me to the fullest, Megaera only gets a hold of me when I've finally had enough and let's the grudging begin.  But Tisiphone, she never lets me down, in the end - I know I can't control wanting to avenge it all. How most times I feel Psyche is the best thing I'll ever have, since it seems the most fitting how most times I feel my soul is disappearing or being crushed.
Maybe it's just life...in all it's crazy delusional, dysfunctional ways.
As for me I'm blaming the Curse of the Gods how this is turning out.

I look and just want to see the bigger picture, sometimes that vision gets clouded when the fog will not lift or the mountain I'm at the bottom of keeps getting higher.  When will "One Day" finally be here?!?! I've waited for it for a long time now, just waiting and wondering if it will arrive in the life time.

Realizing

Realizing...

I don’t know how it happens, well that’s a lie, I do I let you in.

I can piss, complain, whine, talk sh*t and make everything that we once had sound like you were a total d*ck, but in the end it’s my cover.  The reality is I accept you, I don’t try and change you, I don’t want to even give you a hard time.  You are who you are and you have been from the start, you’ve never hidden that.  I guess the reality is you actually make me realize who I really am.

In the beginning giving you my heart was probably my fatal mistake, but it was something I never regretted giving you.  I know at 24 you were not versed in playing the game, and playing a master was a fatal move, but you took it in stride.  The hurt that was caused to me was my own fault I should have known what I was playing with, but old habits die hard.  I let my guard down, I believed in empty promises, but the one thing, the one thing that you had above all else was the hold on my heart.  You see, my heart knows intentions, good or bad it feels them and you, you had good intentions, just f*cked up ways for delivery.  I fell and I fell hard, I believed and I let my guard down, but THAT – that was all me, I can’t blame you for what I did.  I’ve always said I can’t get mad at the truth I can only be disappointed in the lies.

Somehow your imperfections hit to close to home and I realized you actually bring out the real me.  Like it or not I have to face the fact that my flaws cause the “not good enough” effect.  Are we one in the same?  Is this why I can easily accept you?  Do I look at you and see myself? Sometimes I think the answer is yes.

I get so tired of being judged, being told how to feel, or how not to feel, what I should let go of and what is good for me.  Can’t I just be me without the load of being what everyone else wants.  Somehow I feel deep inside that’s where we are the same, always trying to be what everyone else wants and not ever being who we really are. 

You told me, you get tired of never being able to tell the truth, but your heart has the right intentions, you respond to what you think everyone wants to hear.  I do hear you. I respect that of you.

When I’m with you, you bring you the me that wants to live, you make me strong, you make me feel alive and you make me see just how important I am.  It’s like the feeling of being able to conquer one’s self, having the confidence to keep going when sometimes I’ve only felt like giving up.  Oh wait, those giving up moments you were there and you fought to keep me going, you made me fight to keep going and you got SO mad when I didn’t want to.  You shook me and told me I didn’t have a f*cking choice, because it wasn’t going down like that, you insisted I fight and for you I did.  We’ve had this crazy, insane, nothing like it in the world bond…Somehow it ties us and keeps us both going in a strange way.  You make me believe in me again and you know I accept your flaws and still find you perfect.

Sometimes we need that.

The reality is you make me find myself, you make me feel like I actually mean something and that if taking on the world is what I want, you’ll be there and have my back.

Finding me again is what I’ve needed in order to go forward, so if I never let go of you means always having the real me – it’s a gamble I’m willing to take, because the reality is – You make me come alive and actually not want to give up.  
9/2013