Accepting Me

I've had too much time in my head...Too much time to think, too much time to re live, too much time in the hurt and too much time fast forwarding.  With or without me life will go on.  I think about the days that I could just drive over for a pot of beans, to talk about anything and everything and never be judged, only to be accepted and soothed.  I thought about love, loss and never being enough.  I re lived divorce, death and most of all emptiness.  I can fast forward only to find...3 dogs and being alone or in a corner with a window, a coloring book and lopsided pigtails...
Is this what I've become?  I've had a lot of time in my head.
I've had a vision of what life would be but it's not reality, I continue to look forward instead of now. 
I will continue to smile, to hold my head up high and still laugh through my sadness.  I will wear the mask that I have made my own for so long that I can no longer tell the difference between it and my own face.  I look into the mirror and smile, it is a lie, I tell myself I'm ok and again I lie.  I continue to lie just so I can go on walking, so I can get up in the morning and pretend that everything is okay.  I lie...
I cried today, as I have for so many days in a row...I can't seem to stop.
I look inside myself and I know that I lost myself 11 years ago when I experienced the most tremendous loss of all.  Although I tried to carry on with a heavy heart and an emptiness that I can not explain I did.  I did because I had something to carry me through, something I could ride on, depend on...then I lost that...and the biggest part of me died with both of you.  I have since been lost, looking for that hole to be filled, accepting the day to be with you, wishing that day everyday, to the universe, to God, to whoever is listening to please, please take me to you.  I sit, waiting...
Nothing has come.
They say God doesn't give give you anything you can't handle...better thing will come, they will make you stronger for tomorrow.  I wait.
Today I looked in the mirror, I did not recognize the person looking back at me, she was a stranger.  Where I have gone, where did I go? Will I ever return?
Who am I , what do I want, what makes me happy, where do I want to be????
------ I dont' know...
Accepting me is the first step, but how do I get there?
Being happy within myself is the start, but how do I find that path?
How do I find the path when I am in a dark sea of nothingness?
I've had too much time with myself and she is scary...
When I say TODAY I will be okay - she says Stop lying.  I need to silence the doubt within and believe that I AM ENOUGH! I am okay and at the end if my pigtails are a little crooked, I have the people around me that will make sure they are fixed, give me a fresh coloring book and sit with me to look out the window.
I need to accept me and start there.
Looking in the mirror...I see...

Time...

I hear I'm great, I'm wonderful, I'm more then enough, anyone would be lucky to have me...yet here I am alone.
Maybe yes, I can be a handful at times.
Maybe yes, I get emotional and unload a ton of feelings all in the same breath.
Maybe yes...
I know for sure I want to be the only one for someone, I want to be a priority, not a choice, not a backup, not a second guess.

I want love, trust, honesty, loyalty and someone I can turn to with no judgment.  Time will heal the wrong that has come across my heart.  But how much time has to pass just to find...that someone.
I know it's said I can have anyone, Really?! Tell me where???
Cause time is the only one that's knocking on my door and it is empty handed.

The Dark Inside

I get so lost in my thoughts that I lose sight of what's in front of me.  I lose the good times, I miss out on the memory that was to be made.  I go deep inside and try to hide into the darkest part of me.  Am I broken...
How can I climb out and just enjoy today, not worry about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...just today.  To smile...To enjoy...To be happy...
The loss of what was important, what made me strong is haunting me inside everyday.  I look for it to complete me, yet it left so long ago I feel that it took me with it.  I want it back yet it is nowhere in reach.  Not in sight, just gone.
I long to not be empty, to find what can fill the hole.  I look up to the sky, I call into the ocean waves, please hear me and guide me.  How do I find me...I am so lost.
Give me a sign, give me some peace, give me a way to be feel and be free again.
Not to need...
Help me to find a happiness within me, without anyone.  Help me to complete myself so that I'm not a broken puzzle, just one that's missing a few pieces.

I AM Enough!
Help me to believe that.
I AM Love!
Help me to feel for myself.
Help me to shut the darkness inside that calls to me so loudly.