The Holidays

The holidays bring a mixture of emotions, everyone has something different that they feel.  Happiness, love, togetherness, cheer, loss, sadness, emptiness and loneliness, wherever you are in your life we can all feel.  No matter what emotion the holidays bring, you are entitled to feel any and everything you want and can.  Time is the only gage you have to heal, repair and continue, you alone have that and you can take all the time you need.  There's so much that goes on in our emotions and there's so much that goes on with loss, it's hard to jump back to the normal.  
Holidays bring a time of togetherness to continue making our memories and laughter with those from holidays before.  They also bring loneliness when we argue or disagree with those we are close to and we do not get to make a new memory of this year together.  They bring emptiness for those of us who have lost and all we have is the memory of the holidays before, cherishing those moments in our mind and keeping them close.  But during the holidays I reflect and give Thanks to those who loved so deeply in my life that they scarred my heart and it is too hard to forget.  I thank them for being there for me, I thank them for loving me so much that their love always kept me warm.  I'm grateful for what they shared with me, they shared themselves, the most important part of your life you could give to someone. I thank them for being with me for as long as they could, for holding on, and for sharing with me all the moments we had.  I thank them.  
And though my holidays or anyone out there can relate to having them without some of the people in our lives that are now gone, I can go through them and know that they are there with me in spirit to share every new moment I am having.  My pictures may be absent of someone who I Loved so dear, but my heart will be full thinking of how wonderful you would have felt being here.
With all my Love and Thoughts of you - not only during the holidays but every day of my life - Thank You.  Pudgy, Grandma & Grandpa 

My Thoughts...on missing you

The days you've left behind are empty and full of tears, I don't think I ever get through one thinking of you that doesn't bring my eyes to water.  It's been rough, almost 6 months and I still expect your excited self at the door when I come home from work.  I still look under the bed, expecting to see you rolled in a ball in your bed, or your legs stretched out and hanging off.  I still expect...you, physically, You.  The nights are lonely without you curled up right next to me, in and out of the covers, the disturbed sleep, yet I slept so good.  You, it's all I need, the missing piece, the part to make my heart whole, just you.

I know how much I took your love for granted, I know how many times I said not now, I know...and it makes this even tougher.  All those times, all the not nows, all the time away, I'd give anything to have those back - I Miss you.  It's a long and hard road that I travel now, an emptiness lives inside me like I've never known, you completed me in so many ways I can never explain.  I miss you.  I remember the days of happiness, your back tongue kisses, your head in my lap and the sound of your snoring. I Remember all too well.  The walks, the groomer, the vet, the pet store, the babies and how much you loved ice cream.  I remember all too well.  The look in your eyes when I was sick, after thyroid cancer surgery or on the days I just couldn't get out of bed.  You were there, I remember it all too well, like it was yesterday.  11 years you gave to me, the love you never held back on and that can never be replaced with the life I'm living now.  I will forever miss you.
When the news came in about your sickness, the lil pup body that was no longer the same frisky one you'd always been, it was the toughest.  To know there was nothing I could do, only pills the ease the pain and to love and hold you everyday.  I prayed, I sang to you, I kissed and loved you, every moment of everyday trying not to think of what was to come.  11 years could never fill the time that 2 months took, the happiness I tried filling myself with would only bring more tears to fall.  The day came when it was no longer in my ability to keep you going, though I tried and I fought, time was finally up.  You looked at me with eyes wide, a peace within them and I know that was suppose to give me a little peace inside.  It did not.  I look back on the days and weep from the moments that I wish I could have did everything wrong, I'm told I did everything Icould and I was the best mom.  I tired.  But my little one I hope that one day I can see your tongue out, panting face, I can feel your slobbery back tongue kiss and that you will paw me again just like the yesterday I try to hard not to forget.  One day...at the rainbow bridge.  No emotion can fill the emptiness of missing you, only the love you gave me that I keep close tries everyday to let one tear less escape.  But my heart will still tighten and my throat will still close - I Miss you.
Pudgy every single fucking day - I Miss YOU!

Not Now...

If the time comes that my heart can no longer reset itself, I will need to go on.
If there's a moment that my eyes no longer have tears, I will need to go on.
If the feel of your warmth against my skin no longer shines upon me, I will need to go on.
I never want to...
I never want to know my life without, I never want to stop crying for how much love I have in my heart for you, and I never want to not remember how much I loved holding you.
Never in this life time or the next, I never want to go on....
Like the seasons, the months, the years and time, it will like everything else start to fade, just a little with each passing day. But not my spirit, not my love, not my memories, they will stay.  As hurtful as the nights are, as empty as the room feels, I know that will become more bearable again.  There will come a day when I can look at your face and my heart will not tighten up, my eyes will not overflow with water and I will be able to breath.
But not today...Not yet...Not now...
I asked for so much when you were here and now I ask for so little to have you back, but there's no exchanges, no refunds, no playbacks.  It's the time when life pushes, I must go on.
But I don't want to...not today...not tomorrow...not ever.
When I thought the end was near, I asked for a second chance, I asked for a little more time, I was granted that, but it went so fast.  We can't outrun death, we can't outrun time, we can only stand by and watch as it takes away breath by breath the ones we love.  We don't live forever and I do know that, but for you, I wasn't ready.
Not today...not tomorrow...I can't go on.
I have the most treasured memories like they were dreams of yesterday, so strong in my heart and in my mind.  Playful moments, pesting days, working on patience, but most of all the love that we shared between us and the love you gave everyone around you.  I know in your heart you were ready and you tried to make me strong, you want me to go on.  To be the strong person you knew, the one who protected you and loved you with their all.  My heart and soul are so incomplete without you, so much is missing, a big hole of blackness and in the midst of that I know you are saying...
"It's Okay Mom, you need to Go On."
But for me it's not today, it's not tomorrow, it's not now...
Until time moves forward and starts to heal a small piece, it's not now.  11 years wasn't long enough and it will take double that in order to sew a small piece of emptiness back together.  Today is just another day that I wake up, put one foot in front of the other, look at the empty spot on my bed, tell you how much I love you and that I'm trying to go on.
But until my heart can reset, my eyes can no longer cry and my body can with stand the cold...
It's not today, it's not tomorrow and it's Not now.
Forever you will be My Furever!
Pudgy 03/04/2004 ~ 02/05/2016

Emptiness

I open the door, I hesitate and still look down, walking slowly, and then realize you're not there.  I keep thinking I need to rush home, there's something I need to do, someone I need to take care of. But you're not there.  There's so many things, so many words, so many moments I want to recreate. I want to reset, I want another chance, I would give anything to have you back. 
One chapter of loss and emptiness is one we can't bring back, it's the kind that's lost forever, the one that leaves us physically, the only thing here is the memories and the heartbreak. 
It's the kind of loss that you will only meet again when  you leave this world to go beyond the stars.  
Second chapter is where you pass on the gift of love you have been accustomed to in order to make some one else's life whole, complete and happy.  It's the kind the loss that you experience within your world but you've made the world of someone one else complete and full.  
The first chapter hurts the way no other can, it's the emptiness you will never get over, death. The second chapter is the one you look forward to hearing about from the people you have shared your gift with, life.
In their own way there is a loss and emptiness that is hard to get through.  Losing and letting go.  
As I walk in the door, I stop, look down, hesitate and go slowly...
Then I realize you're not there...and my heart is broken, shattered on the floor, and I close the door behind me to slowly pick up the pieces.

5/2016